Monday, May 24, 2010

Those Who Can, Do...

“If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.”

Do-Nothing, Nay-Saying, Energy Sucking, 
Chronic Complaining Criticizers and Put-Downers

In case you are not aware, there is a war of words going on. For many the issue is what percent of adoptees will be served by various bills and how many will be thrown under the bus. For others it's a heated debate between legislative incremental baby steps or holding out waiting for purity. 

The usual suspects are at it with their "deforming" name-calling! 

My position regarding access is clear and unequivocal, and always has been. I am for TOTAL EQUAL ACCESS without any retrictions. Anything else is not equality. restrictions ofd any kind are insulting discrimination and infaticizing. I have LONG (since the 1980s) preached that the term "open records" confused the issue and needed to changed to equal access. Morerecently I have writtenabout not comvoluting the issue with access to medical records or "all files."

This post, is thus not about whether adoptees deserve total equality or not. I believe we ALL agree they do. It is rather about the do-nothing, naysayers...the chronic complainers ... the “energy suckers” who suck the wind right out of your sails. 

These problem behavioral types think that it is their job to point out all the problems with the world, while it's your job to fix them. They seem to subscribe to the theory and make us all believers of the saying: "Those who can, do...and those do nothing, COMPLAIN and CRITICIZE!

That’ll never work…!”
What the hell are you thinking…?”
That’s a terrible idea…!”

Chronic energy sucking nay-sayer complainers feel helpless or impotent and are successful only at one thing: attempting to destroy the results of and kill the enthusiasm and productivity of those about whom they are complaining.

These Do-Nothing BUT Complain and Citicizers do not seem to understand - or CARE - about the difference between constructive criticism that helps and that which merely denigrates.  

Help? That's beneath them (or more likely something they are incapable of). They'll just stand by and watch others DO so they can complain afterward! Adoption reform has their fair share.  Those who do not help write legislation or support efforts in any way but are right there to jump on a bill they deem "bad" or "unclean."

Criticism such as this, currenly viral in the wake of adoption access bills with restrictions, is a text book example of those out to belittle you, and the two types of people who generate such negativity:  the “Never Was” and the “Once Was."  

The "Never Was" according to this site are often those who are so pessimistic they give up without trying. The "Once Was" it says, "had their moment in the sun, and they have used that brief success to create an expert facade. Though they haven’t done much recently, they relive their glory days by providing unsolicited advice (criticism) about how things should be done. It should be done the way was it was done 10 years ago — that’s how." 

Sound like people we all know? 

How DARE those who have done nothing berate those who have?  In my humble opinion,
unless you work WITH activists in states, you have no right to complain after the fact. PERIOD! 

** I do not see BN introducing their own bills or assisting anyone with model legislation or any other educational materials.***

When was the last bill BN introduced?
What was the result? Was there ever one other than the one individual BN member who put up the money to get it on an Oregon referendum?

Again - I am no fan of compromised legislation with restrictions. I HATE IT! It does not restore adoptee rights. It does not make them equal to non-adoptees. It misses the whole point that it even is a human rights the adoption reform movement has done since its inception (with the exception of ALMA's attempt). 

And... I readily admit that I personally have done nothing legislatively except writing letters, a few protests, signing the Orgeon ad, and testifying once decades ago.  

I thus do not feel I have any right to criticize those who do, and, as you have obviously guessed by now, I strongly resent those who think they do have that right. Once it's done, and a bill gets passed with restrictions...what's the purpose of all the name calling?

Bottom line for me: PUT UP OR SHUT UP! And, the final cliche: 

Lead, Follow or get out of the gosh darn $%&*ing way!


Von said...


Mirah Riben said...

Me or them?

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with this. It's easy to sit back and criticize. Not so easy to actually get anything done, especially the way politics are today.-DR

Anonymous said...

I am in agreement.

I couldn't be more tired of their cutsey sayings such as "deformer" either. It is meaningless.

CRobishaw said...

Thanks for posting this. I agree. Have for years.

Anonymous said...

The one individual BN member who put up the money to get it on an Oregon referendum wasn't even a BN member until most of the real work had already been done - the organizing, the advertising, the signature-gathering. BN saw it as a chance to jump on the bandwagon and fly the spermburst under the guise of assisting real progress.
In reality, they did little to advance OBC access in Oregon. Yet it is their one claim to fame.

Anonymous said...

Getting something done and it being totally half-ass just to pass it, is like passing gas and sh*t. That's what the Illinois law is: SH*T.

Mirah Riben said...

"Deformer" is far from "cutesy" and it isn't even mean-ingless or innocuous... it's just plain MEAN and pejorative.

Other Anon, I could not agree more regarding the IL law. IT SUX big time! it is NOT equal access. It is a discriminatory law!

HOWEVER, that doesn't mean that any grassroots adoptees wanted it that way...and it certainly was not helped to be any better - or even stopped by BN and those doing all the complaining and criticizing! THAT IS MY POINT!

Bitch about the law, yes! But who the f%&k are the "deformers" they are whining about?! This bill flew through because a legislator introduced it, to the best of my knowledge. And BN sat back and DID NOTHING until it was a done deal, then BITCHED!

Anonymous said...

The IL bill flew under the radar until it was too late. This was the work of sarah Feigenholtz and Malicious Melisha and their cohorts. You cannot fight what you do not know is happening.

Once BN knew about it they issued a bunch of action alerts and worked very hard to defeat it, but the fix was already in. Do you read Marley's Bastardette blog? If so you know how BN tried to defeat the IL bill including editorials, letters, faxes and phone calls. Many grassroots adoptees in IL tried to stop this bill. See Bastard Grannie Annie's blog. Some IL adoptees did support the bill, because "anything is better than nothing". Melisha Mitchell was an AAC Rep up until about a month ago, when they finally fired her for her dirty dealings with this bill, but they were curiously silent about really opposing it.

BN did what they could. What have you done but bitch, since you are accusing others. Are you still supporting the deform bill in NJ? How about Rhode Island, where relatives of a dead birthmother can still veto release of information. Then you are part of the problem. Pot calling the kettle black.

Mirah Riben said...

What have I *DONE*?? You joke! I dare say I have *done* more than my fair share to "reform" adoption practice. Howeverm if you are really unsure of that, please feel free to refresh your memory with my cv at

Legislation is not my primary activism, nor even the rights of adoptees...nor have i ever laid claim that it is. My area of focus is clearly indicated in the name of my blog. This was merely an annoying side issue that I decided to comment on. The counter productive nature of in-fighting is a longstanding concern.

I have *never* publicaly come out AGAINST any legislation and never would because I do not knock other people's efforts in that regard, even when a bill like the IL. gets passed that I may hate with a passion.

I respect people such as I respect Pam Hasagawa, who for the 30 years has worked tirelessly in NJ, even if we do not always fully agree 100%. I would never resort to name-calling someone as hard-working and well-meaning as she is!

While - as i said ad nuseum - I thinkanything short of pure bill is a disgarce and an affront to the human rights of adoptees - I am aware that there are some, e.g. AACers, who
ACCEPT bills that are less than perfect with the hope that incremental changes will ouccur on the future and nothing has been shown to me that proves that is not a possibility. But I do not know of anyone who has ASKED or requested those limitations to be put into legislation and thus name-calling is uncalled for IMHO.

I do not follow the BN blogs but sending out alters to kill a bill after the fact and crying that it came upon them too just shameful for what was supposed to be THE national voice for adoptee rights, IMHO! And this is not the first bill that came up suddenly without any help from BN!

And, as you may have noticed...i'm not the only one who is greatly disappointed with them and feel they have no right to criticize anyone else when they are INEPT! If you are happy to support their action alerts and last minute trying to kill bills - more power to ya', whoever you anonymously are!

I am not supporting either NJ or RI bills as I do not support any bill that denies any adoptees' rights. HOWEVER, I also not opposing them!

Bottom line: I feel I have every right to speak to the issues of those who criticize and denigrate the efforts of others without any hypocrisy whatsoever, simply because I do not.

Anonymous said...

"Malicious Melisha"

What, are you in grade five? Please don't tell me that you are advocating on my behalf.

BN needs close up shop and go home. Who isn't sick of their idiotic dribble.

Mirah Riben said...

Thank you! I indeed missed that childish nastiness. And if I am not mistaken the anon who posted that is the same who has accused me of being a schoolyard bully! Talk about pots and kettles!!

What is bullying?
per -
* constant nit-picking, fault-finding and criticism of a trivial nature - the triviality, regularity and frequency betray bullying; often there is a grain of truth (but only a grain) in the criticism to fool you into believing the criticism has validity, which it does not; often, the criticism is based on distortion, misrepresentation or fabrication
* simultaneous with the criticism, a constant refusal to acknowledge you and your contributions and achievements or to recognise your existence and value
* constant attempts to undermine you and your position, status, worth, value and potential
* being belittled, demeaned and patronised, especially in front of others [or in this case on public forums]

I am also reminded here of the saddle story:

If one person calls you a horse, light. If two people call you a horse, laugh it off. If three people call you a horse, get a saddle!

BN has a made name for themselves and it is - very unfortunately - not that of a respected national org or a legislative power. It is of this tacky BULLSHIT and people are saying loud and clear that they are FED UP with it!

BN needs to stop defending and smell the roses. Change their ways or become even more obsolete than they already are. I say that as LIFETIME BN member and longtime supporter, and with tremendous sadness and great disappointment. Nothing would make me happier than to see them be on the forefront of **fighting FOR** adoptee human rights! But they are NOT. Even my greatest accuser here cannot state one POSITIVE thing they have DONE. Sad...

Mirah Riben said...

And BTW - Bastardette has not as yet approved the comment I posted yesterday. When John Green from R,I. was very upset and complained on facebook that Bastardette was censoring his comments, I defended them and told him to be patient. I am taking my own advice....and waiting...

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