SPOLIER ALERT: Do not read this if you TIVO'd Glee and haven't watched the reunion episode yet.
The TV version of "High School: the musical" has two adoption plots.
In plot one a student is pregnant and considering adoption and has lied about who the father is. There was some very convoluted stuff about a teacher's wife who was going to help her keep the pregnancy a secret and pretend to be pregnant herself and then take the baby...but that fell through. So, we wait to se if she goes trough with the adoption...
At the same time. the star character, Rachel, adopted by two Dads is reunited with her mother. The two are DEAD RINGER look-alikes and are both totally intro singing and performing.
They meet, the mother makes the daughter a costume for an upcoming performance, and they sing a duet. The mother -- who never had any other children -- decides she really wanted her baby back and cannot handle a grown up teenager and abruptly 'dumps' her!
I am hoping it is not yet totally over and she will have a change of heart. It was far too unrealistic for me.
One blog comment addresed watching it with her adopted daughter who felt vicariously the sting of that rejection! How sad.
I have yet to see a movie or TV show deal with adoption that did not appear to have been written by or consulted with adoptive parents and keep the show "safe" and inoffensive for that audience population, wither by killing them of totally (figuratively or literally, as in Mother and Child) or by ending with the sappy "Now I know who my 'real' parents are."
Before changing the channel from the subject of television viewing, I want to share a piece of a Dr Phil episode i caught by accident recent;ly. It may have bene a repeat. the young expectant mom wanted Dr phil to make her decsion for her whether to keep her baby or place him for adoption. Dr. Phil of course ays that the decision is hers and he will hep her by showing her ALL the options.
He then proceeds to tear apart her entire family as dysfunctional and asks if they would be a family she would choose to place her baby with. Then he has two young women speak to her.
The first is a mother who shares how proud she is of the loving sacrifice she made to place her baby and make a couple happy!
The second tells of the drudgery of being a teen mom!
Where was the voice of the mother who placed her bby for adoption with a promise of openness that was a lie and she is not distraught and will never heal?
Where were voices of adoptees who have to live with a lifetime of feeling rejected and abandoned because of their mother's "loving choices"?
So much for impartiality! So much for Dr. Phil! I was left wondering if he gets a commission from some adoption agency.
Showing posts with label adoptive parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoptive parents. Show all posts
Friday, May 28, 2010
Friday, October 16, 2009
Apologies and Forgiveness
Writing about governmental apologies caused me to ponder issues closer to the bone.
Have your parents apologized to you for their role in your adoption loss, or their lack of support for a parenting option?
If they did apologize, did it change anything for you? Did you accept their apology? Could you? Would you?
Have you been able to forgive those involved in your loss? Could you? Would you?
My parents went to their graves (the same year as my daughter did) never accepting my daughter as their grandchild, never accepting my pain. My sister and only sibling shared their feelings and never even sent a condolence card when Alicia died, stating that she never felt she was her niece. A non acceptable answer since condolences are sent to the living and I surely have always been her full blood sister. It is common practice to send condolence cards to neighbors, co-workers and many who ar enot related and whose love done we never met.
And yet I forgive them because they are simply ignorant people. I forgive them and let go for me which does not mean that I condone anything they did in this regard or that I have much to do at all with the one living member of my immediate family (for this and other reasons) SADLY. I am quite saddened by that because it is yet another loss for me and I have suffered so many...
I would WELCOME an apology from my sister but have accepted, with sadness and disappointment, that it is not to happen.
Acceptance of what cannot be changed and some forgiveness are the cornerstones of living in peace and contentment.
The anger I have not resolved is focused on my agency: Jewish Child Care Assocaition / Ametz of New York. I hold them totally responsible for pressuring me, lying to me and all that ensued to myself and more so to my daughter who has suffered far more than any of us still living. They were not ignorant. They are culpable. And they continue to violate me to this day by refusing to give me - even redacted - copies of anything I signed prior to the adoption.
How about you?
- Who do you most feel "owes" you an apology?
- To whom is your anger most focused?
Have your parents apologized to you for their role in your adoption loss, or their lack of support for a parenting option?
If they did apologize, did it change anything for you? Did you accept their apology? Could you? Would you?
Have you been able to forgive those involved in your loss? Could you? Would you?
My parents went to their graves (the same year as my daughter did) never accepting my daughter as their grandchild, never accepting my pain. My sister and only sibling shared their feelings and never even sent a condolence card when Alicia died, stating that she never felt she was her niece. A non acceptable answer since condolences are sent to the living and I surely have always been her full blood sister. It is common practice to send condolence cards to neighbors, co-workers and many who ar enot related and whose love done we never met.
And yet I forgive them because they are simply ignorant people. I forgive them and let go for me which does not mean that I condone anything they did in this regard or that I have much to do at all with the one living member of my immediate family (for this and other reasons) SADLY. I am quite saddened by that because it is yet another loss for me and I have suffered so many...
I would WELCOME an apology from my sister but have accepted, with sadness and disappointment, that it is not to happen.
Acceptance of what cannot be changed and some forgiveness are the cornerstones of living in peace and contentment.
The anger I have not resolved is focused on my agency: Jewish Child Care Assocaition / Ametz of New York. I hold them totally responsible for pressuring me, lying to me and all that ensued to myself and more so to my daughter who has suffered far more than any of us still living. They were not ignorant. They are culpable. And they continue to violate me to this day by refusing to give me - even redacted - copies of anything I signed prior to the adoption.
How about you?
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Adoption Creates Many People/Many Needs
For a long time - back in the dark pre-historic, pre-internet days - adoptees, (birth) mothers and adoptive parents - aware of the pain of adoption - joined forces and were called a triad. While we maintained separate groups such as CUB focusing on birthparents, Adoption Forum and ALMA, focusing on adoptees, and groups like APFOR (Adoptive Parents for Open Records) being obviously made up on adoptive parents...we all networked and got along
The good old days? Images of John Walton's family all saying goodnight? Hallmark cards and flowers? To some extent, yes. It was a simpler time. We got along easier - working jointly on events like a marches to Washington - because we all share done common goal: Open Records and all worked on search and support.
My first book (shedding light on...The Dark Side of Adoption) published in 1988 reflects this comraderie and the idealistic hope that we could all continue to learn from one another's perspective to increase compassion, honesty and openness.
Today, not only are the three sides of the old "triad" far more separated but even within each of those groups there are many subdivisions.
There are adoptive parents who support open adoption, those who do "theoretically" but "cannot" because they adopted internationally, and those who are simply opposed to it and chose closed adoptions. Some who buy into every myth and believe their child is "the same as if" born to them, and others who wear their adoption status proudly and loudly as a symbol of their altruism. Some who never mention it and others who blog and attend every conference on a option they can and make their life revolve around it (true of mothers and adoptees as well.).
There are adoptees who still believe that everything is honkey dory in adoptionland as long as as adults they are "allowed" the "privilege" of peeking at their own birth certificate as if it were a hornets nest. And there are a growing number of adoptees who want total equality, while still others seemingly want only to rant in total ANGER at having been adopted and want to speak out against the entire institution and in particular international adoption. And, of course, there are the: "My REAL mother is the one who raised me and I have no need for any other" variety, some who are quite boisterous about that!
And mothers...ahh...now there's a diverse group. There is not even a unilateral agreement on what they call themselves! Some now use:
Firstmothers
Original mothers
Birthmothers
Senior Mothers
BSE Mothers
Mother who lost children to adoption
Mothers!
And what they seek in terms of healing varies just as widely. Some want simply a sisterhood - like a sorority - which has an annual reunion called retreat. Just hang out, laugh...party.
Some are still coming to terms with their loss - having just awakened from their years of denial by being found, or being faced with a major change in reunion status...or because the loss was very recent, maybe even being contested. These mothers need a great deal of SUPPORT, hand-holding etc.
Other mothers are more interested in activism, and find it very healing because of its empowerment, others are focused on apologies for the past, and still others just seem to wallow in anger or self-pity. And, finally there are those still in denial or consciously against any involvement in or discussion of the subject.
Why decipher some of the major groups into which mothers (and others) fall within the adoption "movement"? First to point out that all are legitimate positions - there are no right or wrong ways to deal with something so personal. AND...many people have a foot in more than one grouping and/or will float back and forth over time. There are LOTS of us who are members of multiple groups, organizations and email discussion lists because each serves a different need and broadens our horizon and understanding. AND...many people grow and change over time, and their needs change.
More importantly, IMHO, is to recognize and allow for these different needs of mothers and be pleased that there are a multitude of groups to fill their many needs.
I have often drawn the analogy between my adoption loss and a chronic illness, such as my RA. Neither will ever be cured; both have ups and downs (remissions and flare ups); and both require a combination of treatments to just survive with a minimum of pain to be able to function. The rheumatologist who treats my disease often needs to refer me to orthopedic surgeons and others. Like any caring, non-threatened doctor who wants the best for his patients, he doesn’t deny me that referral for fear that he will lose me as a patient. He knows that the disease effects me in many ways and I need complementary resources to deal with it all.
It would be best for the health and welfare of all of us to follow this model and openly refer to one another. A far cry from putting down other groups simply because they face the issues with a different strategy, philosophy or mode of support.
Origins-USA, for instance lists meetings, conferences and events from other groups; participates in RegDay and in general networks with many, many groups and organizations from Ethica to aPEAR. We have no fear that our contact with them will "contaminate" or water-down our mission, because we are strong and committed to our goals!
While Origins-USA has recently established H.U.G.S. (Helping "U" Get Support) for one-on-one telephone and email support, and we also have a discussion forum...we currently have no in-person support groups and do not plan either a retreat or conference in the near future.. So why not refer people out for these services?
To withhold such options as are available is to replicate the cruelty of what was done to us to obtain our children.
We need to be the change we want to see. Thus, we need to be open and honest and offer all mothers all their OPTIONS!
The good old days? Images of John Walton's family all saying goodnight? Hallmark cards and flowers? To some extent, yes. It was a simpler time. We got along easier - working jointly on events like a marches to Washington - because we all share done common goal: Open Records and all worked on search and support.
My first book (shedding light on...The Dark Side of Adoption) published in 1988 reflects this comraderie and the idealistic hope that we could all continue to learn from one another's perspective to increase compassion, honesty and openness.
Today, not only are the three sides of the old "triad" far more separated but even within each of those groups there are many subdivisions.
There are adoptive parents who support open adoption, those who do "theoretically" but "cannot" because they adopted internationally, and those who are simply opposed to it and chose closed adoptions. Some who buy into every myth and believe their child is "the same as if" born to them, and others who wear their adoption status proudly and loudly as a symbol of their altruism. Some who never mention it and others who blog and attend every conference on a option they can and make their life revolve around it (true of mothers and adoptees as well.).
There are adoptees who still believe that everything is honkey dory in adoptionland as long as as adults they are "allowed" the "privilege" of peeking at their own birth certificate as if it were a hornets nest. And there are a growing number of adoptees who want total equality, while still others seemingly want only to rant in total ANGER at having been adopted and want to speak out against the entire institution and in particular international adoption. And, of course, there are the: "My REAL mother is the one who raised me and I have no need for any other" variety, some who are quite boisterous about that!
And mothers...ahh...now there's a diverse group. There is not even a unilateral agreement on what they call themselves! Some now use:
Firstmothers
Original mothers
Birthmothers
Senior Mothers
BSE Mothers
Mother who lost children to adoption
Mothers!
And what they seek in terms of healing varies just as widely. Some want simply a sisterhood - like a sorority - which has an annual reunion called retreat. Just hang out, laugh...party.
Some are still coming to terms with their loss - having just awakened from their years of denial by being found, or being faced with a major change in reunion status...or because the loss was very recent, maybe even being contested. These mothers need a great deal of SUPPORT, hand-holding etc.
Other mothers are more interested in activism, and find it very healing because of its empowerment, others are focused on apologies for the past, and still others just seem to wallow in anger or self-pity. And, finally there are those still in denial or consciously against any involvement in or discussion of the subject.
Why decipher some of the major groups into which mothers (and others) fall within the adoption "movement"? First to point out that all are legitimate positions - there are no right or wrong ways to deal with something so personal. AND...many people have a foot in more than one grouping and/or will float back and forth over time. There are LOTS of us who are members of multiple groups, organizations and email discussion lists because each serves a different need and broadens our horizon and understanding. AND...many people grow and change over time, and their needs change.
More importantly, IMHO, is to recognize and allow for these different needs of mothers and be pleased that there are a multitude of groups to fill their many needs.
I have often drawn the analogy between my adoption loss and a chronic illness, such as my RA. Neither will ever be cured; both have ups and downs (remissions and flare ups); and both require a combination of treatments to just survive with a minimum of pain to be able to function. The rheumatologist who treats my disease often needs to refer me to orthopedic surgeons and others. Like any caring, non-threatened doctor who wants the best for his patients, he doesn’t deny me that referral for fear that he will lose me as a patient. He knows that the disease effects me in many ways and I need complementary resources to deal with it all.
It would be best for the health and welfare of all of us to follow this model and openly refer to one another. A far cry from putting down other groups simply because they face the issues with a different strategy, philosophy or mode of support.
Origins-USA, for instance lists meetings, conferences and events from other groups; participates in RegDay and in general networks with many, many groups and organizations from Ethica to aPEAR. We have no fear that our contact with them will "contaminate" or water-down our mission, because we are strong and committed to our goals!
While Origins-USA has recently established H.U.G.S. (Helping "U" Get Support) for one-on-one telephone and email support, and we also have a discussion forum...we currently have no in-person support groups and do not plan either a retreat or conference in the near future.. So why not refer people out for these services?
To withhold such options as are available is to replicate the cruelty of what was done to us to obtain our children.
We need to be the change we want to see. Thus, we need to be open and honest and offer all mothers all their OPTIONS!
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Adoptee Opins Sought
Many on the receiving end of adoption, celebrate a "Gotcha! Day."
From where I sit, as a loser in this uneven, lopsided transaction...I find it a bit offensive.
I cannot help wondering how adoptees feel about it?
Were any of you subjected to it growing up, or is it too new? Either way, how do you feel when you hear adoptive families celebrating the day the "Gotcha!" -- snatched you up and away!
This needs to be added to my list of "Adoption Dichotomies" posted on the 8th.
On other issues:
- How old is old enough to be found by the mother who bore and lost you to adoption?
- How old is old enough for a mother to go directly to her offspring and not ask the "permission" of his/her adoptive parents? 18? 21? older? younger? Never?
As soon as she can?
- Would it have been preferable of you - and at what ages - to have had contact made to your adoptive parents first?
- OR, would rather have been just left alone forever, until YOU were ready to initiate contact?
- What was done right/wrong for you in YOUR contact?
- How do you feel in general about having been adopted?
- sucks
- no big deal
- would have preferred to have been born into adoptive family
- would have preferred to stay with and been raised by my immediate family?
- What's the best and worst parts about being adopted? Has it caused you pain? Confusion? Anger? Other feelings?
- Would you recommend others adopt?
- Would you recommend someone you love place a child for adoption?
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Rights and Responsibilities of Adopting Parents
As I wrap up all my post-conference thoughts, I was sorting through the materials I brought home. One was a flyer from PEAR: Parents for Ethical Adoption Reform, “a grassroots group of adoptive and prospective adoptive parents” concerned about “the lack of a unified voice for adoptive families” and “meaningful ethical adoption from the adoptive parents pint of view.” They formed together because they felt a lack of representation of “the people most impacted by the system.”
My work in adoption began in NJ in the late 1970s. As I was a part of the formation of Origins: An organization for mothers who lost children to adoption, another group was simultaneously being formed. APFOR: Adoptive Parents for Open Records. Their president, Carol Gustavson and members such as Sue Wright, Jane Nast, Alyce Jenkins are women I have laughed with, cried with, embraced and are still dear friends of mine to this day as many of them continue their work with the AAC.
More recently I have had the extreme pleasure of meeting Margie Perscheid, David and Desiree Smolin, Rick Boas... some of whom I had “known” via email and their work for some time now.
I have also met some closed-minded adoptive parents and some with attitudes of entitlement, superiority and down right nastiness...one who insist on laughing at child trafficking and slandering me for saying it exists! I also know some mothers who have lost children to adoption who I am not too fond of either. I judge each person for themselves, not their title, and try to approach the issues as objectively as I can, from my personal perspective as a mother who was on the loosing end of this alleged “win-win” process of adoption. My first book was reviewed positively by RESOLVE and Families Adopting Children Everywhere (FACE) for its toughness but fairness. I trust my second one meets he same criteria, though I did go one step further in writing The Stork Market and state that parents seeking to adopt, and those who have…can chose to be part of the solution or part of the problem. I stand by that statement. The parents I have named above have chosen the former.
Rights and Responsibilities
I believe those planning or considering adoption have a responsibility first and foremost to recognize that their joy in adopting is another’s tragedy and irrevocable loss. As historian and author Rickie Solinger says: “adoption only exists on the backs of resourceless women”
No one owes another a child and no child will resolve that loss. Loss of fertility is no greater than one’s loss of sight or limbs, or need of an organ transplant and people with such disabilities do not expect another to fill their need through sacrifice, and payment for such is recognized as exploitive and is thus illegal. Adoptive couples and individuals need to understand that every child has a right to remain with his family and that poverty is not a cause for family separation. No one has a “right” to adopt.
At the recent Ethica/Donaldson conference on ethics and accountability in adoption, the question regarding when a family is in poverty, is taking the child and placing the child for adoption with a financially better-off family "helping"? In response, David Smolin said "A child is only available for adoption when all efforts to keep the family together have been exhausted. That's basic social work. If a doctor saves your life by amputating your legs, but antibiotics could have fixed the problem, that's malpractice."
I believe that those seeking to adopt have a right to:
- fair and honest adoption practices from licensed, trained, registered professional social workers
- receive honest and fair counseling to help them have realistic expectations; to learn that adoption is not the same as birthing a child.
- understand and accept that unlike having a genetically connected child, adoption means parenting the child of another, and being able to embrace that fact and help their child with his/her issues around loss.
- get as much medical background as is possible before deciding if thy are able to handle a specific child
- maintain an open and free ongoing relationship with their child’s family of origins to the extent possible and to the extent such family members are able to - practically and emotionally, and to respect their decision not to if it is too painful
I believe that those seeking to adopt have a responsibility to:
- educate themselves about adoption practices and practitioners here and abroad. To understand that most are entrepreneurs and some are scammers and others slipshod. To know that – in the words of Kellly-Kiser Mostrom (The Cruelest Con) “if it sounds good true to be true, it probably is.”
- ensure that the child they are parenting has been freely and willingly given for adoption by his mother, father and extended family; that thy were not coerced or lied to in any way and that they fully understand the definition of American adoption – that it is FOREVER
- respect and honor their child’s heritage and his/her feelings of loss, rejection and abandonment in the most sensitive and real ways
- respect and honor members of their child’s family if they are able to maintain contact
- keep any and all promises made to that family, even when doing so is trying or difficult – as many family interactions can be, recognizing the extra difficulty of contact with people of different culture and styles, and with an awareness of their pain
I believe that if adopters want adoption to be ethical, they need to act ethically and demand ethical treatment and practices. I would be proud to work with the people of PEAR toward those goals. I stand shoulder-to-shoulder with them in accomplishing their goals of creating uniform standards for adoption agencies and practitioners and developing an enforceable code of ethics of enacting the standards set by the CWLA.
Such standards need to begin with the goal of finding homes for the more than 100,000 children in this country who have no families to return to and could benefit from stable, loving family care. I share with PEAR and all seeking ethical adoption practices to pressure the US to ratify the Hague – and also UN CRC - and to follow the basic tenants of both and respect the autonomy of countries struggling to find ways to care for their own, instead of practicing hat has been called “patronizing colonialism(1).” To put the rights of children first and center is to protect their right to remain in their families fist, and in their nation. Though difficult for those seeking children to accept, according to UNICEF, the adoption should always be last resort, and international adoption the last of the last (UNICEF Press Release, March 2007).
Making adoption ethical is in part removing the scammers, the baby brokers, the untrained facilitators, the traffickers so that people who wan to provide alternative care for children in need are not ripped off. . .but mostly it is so that children are not wrongfully taken for adoption and that those who need it are. I go beyond PEAR’s goal of “addressing fees in domestic adoption” to removing all profit from adoption everywhere over and beyond basic filing fees and actual costs. Money, greed, supply and demand are the root of all corruption.
Together, we can accomplish all of these goals.
(1) Christopher Bagley with Loretta Young and Anne Scully, 1993. International and Trans-racial Adoption: A mental health perspective. P. 155
My work in adoption began in NJ in the late 1970s. As I was a part of the formation of Origins: An organization for mothers who lost children to adoption, another group was simultaneously being formed. APFOR: Adoptive Parents for Open Records. Their president, Carol Gustavson and members such as Sue Wright, Jane Nast, Alyce Jenkins are women I have laughed with, cried with, embraced and are still dear friends of mine to this day as many of them continue their work with the AAC.
More recently I have had the extreme pleasure of meeting Margie Perscheid, David and Desiree Smolin, Rick Boas... some of whom I had “known” via email and their work for some time now.
I have also met some closed-minded adoptive parents and some with attitudes of entitlement, superiority and down right nastiness...one who insist on laughing at child trafficking and slandering me for saying it exists! I also know some mothers who have lost children to adoption who I am not too fond of either. I judge each person for themselves, not their title, and try to approach the issues as objectively as I can, from my personal perspective as a mother who was on the loosing end of this alleged “win-win” process of adoption. My first book was reviewed positively by RESOLVE and Families Adopting Children Everywhere (FACE) for its toughness but fairness. I trust my second one meets he same criteria, though I did go one step further in writing The Stork Market and state that parents seeking to adopt, and those who have…can chose to be part of the solution or part of the problem. I stand by that statement. The parents I have named above have chosen the former.
Rights and Responsibilities
I believe those planning or considering adoption have a responsibility first and foremost to recognize that their joy in adopting is another’s tragedy and irrevocable loss. As historian and author Rickie Solinger says: “adoption only exists on the backs of resourceless women”
No one owes another a child and no child will resolve that loss. Loss of fertility is no greater than one’s loss of sight or limbs, or need of an organ transplant and people with such disabilities do not expect another to fill their need through sacrifice, and payment for such is recognized as exploitive and is thus illegal. Adoptive couples and individuals need to understand that every child has a right to remain with his family and that poverty is not a cause for family separation. No one has a “right” to adopt.
At the recent Ethica/Donaldson conference on ethics and accountability in adoption, the question regarding when a family is in poverty, is taking the child and placing the child for adoption with a financially better-off family "helping"? In response, David Smolin said "A child is only available for adoption when all efforts to keep the family together have been exhausted. That's basic social work. If a doctor saves your life by amputating your legs, but antibiotics could have fixed the problem, that's malpractice."
I believe that those seeking to adopt have a right to:
- fair and honest adoption practices from licensed, trained, registered professional social workers
- receive honest and fair counseling to help them have realistic expectations; to learn that adoption is not the same as birthing a child.
- understand and accept that unlike having a genetically connected child, adoption means parenting the child of another, and being able to embrace that fact and help their child with his/her issues around loss.
- get as much medical background as is possible before deciding if thy are able to handle a specific child
- maintain an open and free ongoing relationship with their child’s family of origins to the extent possible and to the extent such family members are able to - practically and emotionally, and to respect their decision not to if it is too painful
I believe that those seeking to adopt have a responsibility to:
- educate themselves about adoption practices and practitioners here and abroad. To understand that most are entrepreneurs and some are scammers and others slipshod. To know that – in the words of Kellly-Kiser Mostrom (The Cruelest Con) “if it sounds good true to be true, it probably is.”
- ensure that the child they are parenting has been freely and willingly given for adoption by his mother, father and extended family; that thy were not coerced or lied to in any way and that they fully understand the definition of American adoption – that it is FOREVER
- respect and honor their child’s heritage and his/her feelings of loss, rejection and abandonment in the most sensitive and real ways
- respect and honor members of their child’s family if they are able to maintain contact
- keep any and all promises made to that family, even when doing so is trying or difficult – as many family interactions can be, recognizing the extra difficulty of contact with people of different culture and styles, and with an awareness of their pain
I believe that if adopters want adoption to be ethical, they need to act ethically and demand ethical treatment and practices. I would be proud to work with the people of PEAR toward those goals. I stand shoulder-to-shoulder with them in accomplishing their goals of creating uniform standards for adoption agencies and practitioners and developing an enforceable code of ethics of enacting the standards set by the CWLA.
Such standards need to begin with the goal of finding homes for the more than 100,000 children in this country who have no families to return to and could benefit from stable, loving family care. I share with PEAR and all seeking ethical adoption practices to pressure the US to ratify the Hague – and also UN CRC - and to follow the basic tenants of both and respect the autonomy of countries struggling to find ways to care for their own, instead of practicing hat has been called “patronizing colonialism(1).” To put the rights of children first and center is to protect their right to remain in their families fist, and in their nation. Though difficult for those seeking children to accept, according to UNICEF, the adoption should always be last resort, and international adoption the last of the last (UNICEF Press Release, March 2007).
Making adoption ethical is in part removing the scammers, the baby brokers, the untrained facilitators, the traffickers so that people who wan to provide alternative care for children in need are not ripped off. . .but mostly it is so that children are not wrongfully taken for adoption and that those who need it are. I go beyond PEAR’s goal of “addressing fees in domestic adoption” to removing all profit from adoption everywhere over and beyond basic filing fees and actual costs. Money, greed, supply and demand are the root of all corruption.
Together, we can accomplish all of these goals.
(1) Christopher Bagley with Loretta Young and Anne Scully, 1993. International and Trans-racial Adoption: A mental health perspective. P. 155
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