Adoption Agency Uniformity for Adopters?

Q: Should Congress pass a law requiring adoption agencies provide services to all potential parents, including gays, lesbians and single parents? Or should agencies continue to set their own adoption policies?

This question is being asked of social workers in light of adoption is becoming increasingly entangled in the gay rights struggle.

It seems to lead to a further conundrum: Should all adoption agencies be bound by the same rules or should religious agencies be allowed to follow their own set of standards and restrictions beyond those set by the state?

I think of myself at the time I was being pressured to relinquish my daughter. I was being convinced that my child deserved two parents: a mother and a father. That was reason number one for me to lose my parental rights, as it was for nearly all in that era. Thus, I would have been devastated, as many of us from that generation were, if I had found out that my child had been placed with or wound up being raised by, a single parent. (Gay couples did adopt at all back then. It was more unheard of than single parenting.)   

Although I have never been religious and was in fact raised by parents who I jokingly refer to as non-practicing atheists, I was strongly aware of my Jewish ethnicity and as such selected a Jewish adoption agency so that my daughter would be raised in that heritage and culture.  I trusted that by selecting an agency of a particular denomination, my child would be placed within that community. Not so for all who did likewise.  As we collectively found out after the fact, once we sign the papers we lose all control. Our children became chattel of the agency to do with as they see fit, or shall I say what profits them most. And so, many of the babies placed with New York's most infamous Jewish agency, Louise Wise, were placed in non-Jewish homes.

So, on the one hand I believe that agencies should be able to provide specific services for those who desire such. However, if they are not going to able by the wishes of the mother anyhow, then why give them that power?

My own personal case is again enlightening.  I chose an agency called Jewish Chid Care Association of New York (JCCA) now also known as Ametz.  I was trying very hard to obtain the support needed to keep my daughter and delayed signing papers for six months at which time the arm twisting was too intense to resist any longer.  I was told - it being 1967 - that to delay my decsion beyond six months would deem her "unadoptable" since it was a buyers market at the time with a huge inventory of infants. I was told she'd bond with her foster mother and no one would want to adopt her. In essence, sign by six months or doom her to a life of foster care. I signed.

Never during any of this process was I ever informed that she was being fostered by an Italian Catholic family in the Bronx.  Mind you, I had not signed away my parental rights during this period and yet was uninformed that although I chose a Jewish agency and requested - assumed - a Jewish home for my child, that she was living in a Catholic home (albeit a very loving and caring family).

Oddly, despite the hard sell to sign by six months so she could be adopted, she was not adopted until she was a year of age. Again something I was never informed of.

Many years later, I was horrified to learn that my daughter had endured this horrible transfer at the age of a year - when she was in fact calling her foster mother Mommy. When I confronted the agency about their reason for doing this I was informed - more than a decade after - that the reason was that I requested a Jewish home for my daughter. Yes I had, but I was never asked if that criteria over-rode her remaining with a loving family with whom she had lived since birth and was very bonded....a family who despertaely wabted to adopt her.

What does all of this mean and how does it relate to the original question? I guess my feelings on the issue are that the MOTHERS who are relinquishing should have a right to selection criteria for their children while they are still their mothers and have the right to do so. They should be able to request a married man and a stay-at-home mother if that is their choice, or practicing Buddhists, an interracial couple, a single working mother, or two Daddies. Their choice - like the choice of who one dates, marries or creates a child with - is a personal one with personal criteria and not bound by laws of discrimination, civil equal rights.

But these are not the questions being asked. And when they are asked, they are not always upheld any more than requests for open adoption are...because when you relinquish your rights, you relinquish ALL of your rights.

The questions are always: how does adoption best serve the paying clientele? Can they "discriminate" against those willing to pay their fees, or should adoption be mandated like the sale of homes to be done blindly of any any discrimination?

Whose rights are paramount in adoption? 
Whose rights should be paramount?

Since adoption is a privilege - not a right or entitlement - I see no reason why agencies and individuals in private adoption - cannot set criteria as they please, hopefully in the best interest of the child.

Let me be clear and forthcoming and state that is a radial as i am about adoption, I am equally as radical in all my liberal views and fully support same sex marriage as the right of adults to do as they chose. I also want to clearly state that I do not believe that either hetero- or homo-sexuals are inherently good or bad parents. I believe in fact that same sex parents may be optimal for, for instance, a gay child.  I do not hold with the nonsensical and ttoally unproven mythology that homosexuality is learned nor that gay parnts would encourage it.

Discrimination based on age, sexual orientation, ethnicity has no place whatsoever in home sales or apartment rentals, employment etc. But children are not a commodity. They are human beings with their own right to the best care possible.  Adoption agencies have always use selection criteria to screen who is best suited to parent based on facts such as age with precious few outcries of discrimination.  I see no violation of anyone's rights in continuing to make such selection criteria based on the choices of mothers and the particular agencies religious or ethnic affiliation. I believe a Mormon agency has a right to place children only with Mormon families. I think we can no more legislate how a religious agency acts than we can legislate the dogma of their religion.  If you don't agree with their beliefs, you simply pray at another house of worship or not at all. As a Jew, I would no more apply to adopt a child from an Amish adoption agency - if one existed and if I wanted to adopt - and then scream that they were discriminating against me.

I do not see adoption as part of the gay rights issues as adoption is not a right for anyone, nor as it is an age discrimination issue.  The only discriminated against parties in adoption are those denied equal access to birth certificates on which they are named and i find it sad that gay rights are eclipsing that issue.

What do you think?

Jewish Child Care/Ametz

October 2, 2009...I received an email from a list I am on as follows:

FREE HOW TO ADOPT DOMESTICALLY AND INTERNATIONALLY MEETINGS - NY AND NJ

For those looking into adoption: In this time of economic worries and limited adoption options, Ametz rolls back the cost of attending out initial HOW TO ADOPT DOMESTICALLY AND INTERNATIONALLY MEETINGS. Come to these FREE sessions to learn the ins and outs, and possible options of domestic and international adoption, without committing to the process or JCCA.

NEW YORK CITY - MANHATTAN
Wednesday, October 14th at 6 pm

ROCKLAND - SUFFERN, NEW YORK
Thursday, October 15 at 7:30 pm.

NEW JERSEY - MANALAPAN, NEW JERSEY
Thursday, October 29 at 6 pm

For details and to register, go to www.jccany.org/ametz or call 212-558-9949

Kathy Brodsky, LCSW
Director, Ametz Adoption Program/JCCA
120 Wall Street - NYC - NY - 10005
212-558-9949
www.jccany.org
NY and NJ licensed agency
Full Hague Accreditation through 2013

JCCANY - Jewish Child Care Assoc. of NY - was "my" agency. The one I surrendered to (figuratively and literally) 42 years ago.  The one who promised me my daughter would have a better life without me and pressured me to sign...and then kept her in foster care for a year before she was suddenly wrenched from her foster family and given to another family to be adopted...

And...one of these free seminars was no more than 30 minutes from me. So, I went.

It was a bust for them. No one showed up but two social workers and me. I blogged about going on Oct. 28.  One of the two social workers was a local woman named Bobbi who said she would try to help me accomplish what I had not been able to accomplish in 42 years - receive a copy of the surrender I signed.  At Bobbi's suggestion, I wrote yet again and cc'd her. Here is the mail is sent:

    From:     mriben@AdvocatePublications.com
    Subject:     Post Adoption follow-up
    Date:     October 30, 2009 3:44:38 PM EDT
    To:     ferrerl@jccany.org
   
Leona,

As you may recall, I believe we had correspondence in the past.  I was once again encouraged to contact you regarding a long unsettled matter.

For more than 30 years have been unsuccessfully trying to obtain from JCCA a copy of the relinquishment and consent to adopt and any other papers I allegedly signed. I say allegedly only because I was never given a copy at the time and have been steadfastly refused a copy since, despite having met Barbara and Stanley Hirsch the adopters of my daughter, Alicia Beth Hirsch.

Despite the fact that my relinquishment papers would in no way identify the adoptive family (whose identity is clearly known to me) as it took place prior to any adoption, and despite the fact that no law ever prohibited JCCA from giving me a copy (as Louise Wise - a NYC adoption agency has done), and despite the fact that all good ethical practice in adoption and common decency would call for giving one a copy of a legal agreement one had signed by...I have steadfastly been refused such consideration.

I was refused redacted copies and I was refused a blank form.

My daughter is dead, Leona. She took her precious life on Feb 27, 1995 at the age of 27.  I have precious little to connect me to her. This would be helpful in any healing I might be able to accomplish.

Why is JCCA refusing this simple, humane request for common decency? Have I not endured suffering and loss?  What is JCCA hiding? Was perhaps legal notice not given to my husband and father of Alicia? Did not sign anything?

I have cc'd Adam Pertman who has addressed issues of ethics in adoption at Ametz/JCCA venues, as well as other colleagues of mine in the field concerned with ethical adoption practices such as those at stake here.

With sincere hopes that this can be resolved once and for all,

Mirah Riben

And then I waited pateintly.  Nov. 17, I let Bobbi know that I had received no reply.  Bobbi assured me she'd intervene. She seemed amazed herself that her employer had been so rude and dissmissive.

Still, no reply.


No "out of office" or vacation reply.  No "I'm sorry" but we cannot help you.

Nothing, after an entire MONTH.

So much for ethics in adoption...

I post this and will spread the word. I hope that anyone considering using either JCCA or Ametz realizes they are dealing with an agency with no ehtics whatsoever!

Follow-up on Agency Reunion Mix-Up

Follow up to Oct 12 posting:


Catholic Charities of Trenton, NJ who matched a returning father with an adopted young man alleged to be his son, only to have them find out AFTER THIRTY YEARS via DNA tests that they are unrelated...now refuses to help, despite admitting to having the all the answers to the resolve the mishap at their fingertips!

"We have them [the records/files of the adoption] in our physical custody," Francis Dolan, director of the Diocese of Trenton's Catholic Charities, said. "We're the custodians, but we don't own them. We're legally not allowed to share any information."

In the most amazing "good cop bad cop" double talk ever, Lisa Thiabult, a spokeswoman for Catholic Charities says: "If there was anything we could do to solve this mystery and to bring healing and closure to these people we would do it. We share their frustration and I can appreciate the incredible suffering this has caused all of them."

While Dolan says: "records from St. Elizabeth's Home has determined that there were six to seven male infants adopted from the facility. Unfortunately, adoption law in New Jersey dictates that unless the individuals reach out to Catholic Charities themselves and consent to allow their records to be opened, they must remain sealed."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME????

They can't pick up a phone and call these six or seven people and ask them if they would be interested in meeting someone who might be their father and is interested in discovering if they are his son???

Adoption agencies act as intermediaries in this fashion all the time! Obviously this agency, like my own dear personal JCCA, fear lawsuits more than being the humanitarians they claim to be.

They'd so anything to prevent suffering? Suffering and loss are their bread and butter!

As an aside, it is interesting that all the news stories about this case revealed the name of the birth mother, with no indication that she either initiated or ever took part in this reunion.

Help Requested

I am posting to solicit your concrete suggestions as well as moral support.

Tomorrow night I will be attending:

FREE HOW TO ADOPT DOMESTICALLY AND INTERNATIONALLY MEETINGS - NY AND NJ

For those looking into adoption: In this time of economic worries and limited adoption options, Ametz rolls back the cost of attending out initial HOW TO ADOPT DOMESTICALLY AND INTERNATIONALLY MEETINGS. Come to these FREE sessions to learn the ins and outs, and possible options of domestic and international adoption, without committing to the process or JCCA. Co-Presenting: Ametz partner agency, Children's Home Society & Family Services.


Kathy Brodsky, LCSW
Director, Ametz Adoption Program/JCCA
120 Wall Street - NYC - NY - 10005
212-558-9949
www.jccany.org
NY and NJ licensed agency
Full Hague Accreditation through 2013

WHY Have I Registered to Attend? 

Ametz, aka JCCA which stands for Jewish Child Care Association, was "my" agency.

My daughter, Alicia was born July 15, 1967.  I refused to sign papers and Alicia was placed with a foster family while I tried to get my life together - without the help of my parents who wanted me to relnquish.  I was able to visit her in a sterile room at the agency -- picture an interrogation room on any CSI show: table, two chairs and a huge two-way mirror occupying almost an entire wall. I knew they were watching to see if I would harm my daughter in any way. It was too awkward and surreal to imagine.

I never saw the foster mom and she never saw me. She handed "the baby" to a social worker and disappeared. Then "the baby" was handed to me in this room.

It being 1967, I was told repeatedly -badgered - that if I did not sign papers by the time she was 6 months old she become "unadoptable." And so on the day she turned 6 months old I finally caved. I have no idea what I signed because the papers were drenched with my tears that blurred my vision and I was never given a copy of what I signed. I left the agency in the same zombie-like state I entered and proceeded to medicinally numb myself for the next year or so...

Fast forward ten or twelve years. Late 70s, early 80's.  I co-founded the original Origins.   We held monthly support group meetings and as a result I began to see some mothers' relinquishment papers.  It became very clear very quickly the wde variation of wording. Some stated that the mother agreed never to have any contact with her child. Some said she agreed not to have any contact during his minor years. Some said nothing about the future or any contact whatsoever.

So...wanting to find my daughter ad planning to initiate a search as soon as humanly possibly, I wrote to "my agency" and told them that having seen these varied agreements, unless I had a copy of what I had agreed to - how would I know if I was in violation of that agreement?

I was seeking a copy of my relinquishment papers - papers that preceded any adoption and had nothing that could identify her new identity or the adoptive family.

I was denied.

I wrote again and again over the years.  I was told that the freedom of information did not apply to non-governmental agencies.

In 1982 I learned her new identity and wrote to her parents offering any medical history or anything else they might need.  Sometime after meeting her aps and then my daughter, I wrote again to the agency naming her aps and saying that since I already knew who they were, could I now have  a copy of my relinquishment papers that do not identify them anyhow. Still no.

In meeting her aps, I also found out that despite the pressure on me to relinquish by the time she was 6 months old, she remained in her foster home until she was a year old and calling her foster mother "Mommy" and then was suddenly removed when an appropriately approved adoptive family - with 3 biological sons - appeared.

In 1995, when I found out accidentally that my daughter took her life at 27 years of age I wrote yet again to JCCA. I was STILL denied even redacted copies - or even a BLANK FORM so that I could see the wording used in 1967 and thus know what I had agreed to or not.

So, why am I going?  What do I hope to gain?

I want to  pubkically confront Kathy Brodsky who refused me in writing in recent years.

I am VERY OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS. The following plan came to me while presenting at the ARM conference because I was on a panel with mothers who had lost children to death at birth or later.  They made the connection and were very receptive to the loss we experience in adoption. So, I thought I would use that connection and empathy...

My plan is to wait until Q & A and then stand up say the following:

Most of us here in this room have experienced loss: loss of the dream of a pregnancy, misscarriage, possibly still birth.  We know the pain of loss and want to maintain memories of our lost babies in any way we can. No longer are mothers told not to hold their babies who have not survived. We know now that mothers need remembrances.

Yet, I who have lost my daughter am denied any semblance of any shred of evidence that she was ever born to me and existed. (Not really true, as I DO have both her original and amended BCs).  But I will let all in the room know that Kathy Brodsky and JCCA have denied me a copy of a "contract" I signed - something that is unacceptable in any other legal agreement.

What does that say about the ethics of Ametz?

Your thoughts, feedbacks and prayers encouraged...PLEASE!