A Sad Day for Benjamin Mills: A Compromise for Vanessa

California woman, Ohio man settles [sic] adoption battle

The Associated Press

Posted: 03/15/2011 12:03:50 PM PDT

Updated: 03/15/2011 05:29:50 PM PDT

RANCHO SANTA MARGARITA, Calif.—A California woman has won full custody of a nearly 3-year-old girl she has cared for since birth after settling a heated court battle with the child's father and grandmother in Ohio.

Stacey Doss, a 46-year-old public relations consultant, said Tuesday that the settlement was reached in an Ohio courtroom where the girl's father was seeking custody.

Doss said she began the process of adopting baby Vanessa before she was born to a woman who said she had gotten pregnant during a one-night stand.

Shortly after the girl's birth, Benjamin Mills Jr. filed for custody and took a DNA test that proved he was Vanessa's biological father, halting the adoption proceedings.

Mills, his mother, and Doss became immersed in an interstate court battle over the future of the girl.
Doss was ordered to return Vanessa to Ohio in July but appealed and was granted a stay to keep the girl until further notice.

The settlement reached Monday awards full custody to Doss and visitation rights to Vanessa's paternal grandmother, provided Doss withdraws her adoption petition. Paperwork has yet to be signed to put the settlement into effect.

Doss, who lives in suburban Rancho Santa Margarita, some 50 miles southeast of Los Angeles, said she was shocked and pleased by the settlement and hopes the families can work together for Vanessa's sake.

"I am Vanessa's mother. She calls me Mommy," Doss said Tuesday. [If I call my lover 'Tiger' does that make him Tiger? If he calls me"baby" does that make me a baby?] "We have the relationship we have and I know what it is. That is really all that matters. The rest of it is kind of legalese." [And blood, and DNA, and heritage, and genealogy....]

Doss said she is still worried about Vanessa's safety because Mills has a history of domestic violence.
Mills was convicted of domestic violence in 2005 and sentenced to a year in prison, according to court records in Montgomery County, Ohio. His attorney, Ed Marks, declined to discuss any criminal history his client may have had.

Under the settlement, Vanessa will visit with her paternal grandmother twice in the next six months. A therapist will then evaluate how Vanessa has handled the meetings.

Attorneys for Mills said he hopes for Vanessa to establish a relationship with his family, including his two other daughters who live in the area of Dayton, Ohio.

"All parties felt this is the best way to move forward in the best interest of this little girl," said Marks, one of Mills' attorneys at Legal Aid of Western Ohio.

Baby Vanessa Update

I've blogged about this case. between Benjamin Mills, father, and Stacey Doss, foster mother.

The latest news is that a lawyer says mediation has been unsuccessful between a California woman trying to adopt a toddler and Benjamin Mills, the father from Ohio who is trying to stop the adoption. Richard Hempfling says his client, Stacey Doss, has been in Dayton for mediation involving 2-year-old Vanessa.

Montgomery County Juvenile Court Judge Nick Kuntz on Friday urged further negotiations and rescheduled a custody hearing for December.

Doss, of Rancho Santa Margarita, Calif., in July was granted an emergency block of a court order that required the girl to be sent back to Ohio. 

Father Benjamin Mills Jr., of Dayton, filed for custody in Ohio in 2008 before the adoption was finalized. A spokeswoman for his attorneys at Legal Aid of Western Ohio declined comment.

Contested Adoption: Father Lied to and Seeking Child

The father, Benjamin Mill, Jr. and his girl friend have two children together.

She lied to him about her plans to relinquish their third child and lied on legal papers that she did not know who the baby's father was while arranging a private adoption.

There were charges of domestic violence and Benjamin spent some time in jail but was free in time to get to the hospital just moments before his daughter left with a prospective single adoptive mother who was immediately told of his entry into the picture.

Stacey Doss took custody of baby Vanessa straight from the hospital. When she heard of Benjamin's interest with days, she welcomed into the open adoption arrangement and claims to have sent him an airline ticket to visit.

Two years have gone by, however. Vanessa has remained with Doss - though the adoption has never been finalized - while her father passed a DNA test and fights for his constitutional right to his raise his daughter. 

Interestingly, I was made aware of this case via n email seeking my help for the prospective adopter who is waging a media war with websites seeking support. Interestingly, the mass email for support called Doss Vanessa's "adoptive mother" and never mentioned that the adoption was never finalized. it also never mentioned that Doss new about the father's interest since the baby was days old. It was filled with unsubstantiated allegations about him which may or may not be true.  However, Vanessa's mother never pressed charges against him.

Story and video here.

My reply to their plea for help:

Thank you. I WILL be following and blogging about this case.

This adoption has not been finalized.

The mother of the child never pressed charges of domestic violence against the baby's father.

Only she and he know if he is or is not guilty, but he WANTS to raise HIS child and unless he is proven unfit and a potential danger to his child, it is his constitutional right to do so, regardless of his being demonized.

I pray that the parties involved can reach a solution that includes visitation - regardless of who "wins" in the end - so that the child experiences the least amount of harm, and I pray they do so as quickly as possible. All too often contested adoptions like this are dragged on at the advise of the attorney for the POTENTIAL/PROSPECTIVE adopters so that judges will find in their favor even if the adoption was done illegally. They know the longer is with them, the better their chances of a decision to let her stay there. I hope and pray this is not done because all too often it merely causes a far more traumatic separation at a later date when the child is older.

See the case of DeMartino/Helen Olga Scarpetta. See "Baby Jessica."

Do what is best for the child even if its hard to let go. We expect birth mothers to do that. Why would we expect less of a non-related foster mother? I was a foster mother and I know how hard it is to let go, especially when there are allegations of of abuse. But it the right thing to do, albeit painful and difficult.

Perhaps there is a biological grandparent who could foster grandparent who could care for Vanessa while the case is heard, or even permanently. I pray the court looks into that as well.