The Self-Centered Hubris of Adopters

Disclaimer: The following comments do not relate to ALL who adopt, so please save yourself the trouble of pointing that out to me or telling me how NOT like this you, or your adoptive parents, are.

REVISED: 12/20 6:56 pm

Adoption Can be Selfish [Duh!] admits a guest blogging adoptive parent, identified as "Kathy" at Rage Against the Minivan.

"Adoption is not an unselfish act," she says. OK, no argument there. Kathy continues:

We didn't choose adoption because we wanted to help a child or save him/her from a terrible life. We chose it because it was the only way to grow our family.  

Also, OK...  Kathy even adds: "Adopting our son was one of the most SELFISH things I’ve ever chosen to do." 

And she's not alone. The comments applaud her!

• "So much yes."
• "Yes and Amen. I could have written this post."
• "Yes!!!! Thank you!!" 

BUT, Kathy's admission of selfishness is not the end of her very brief post.  She adds:

It cost huge amounts of money, and five years later we are still dealing with the financial aftermath. We did it because it is what we wanted - not to be noble or selfless or save a child - but because the thing we wanted most was to be parents, and this was how it had to be done.  

If you offered me the chance to do anything else – travel the world, buy a brand new car– and told me it would cost as much as we spent on an adoption, I would tell you no because it would be too expensive, no amount of money was too much to bring our son home and into our family. 

Such unabashed WHINING or, is it bragging?!

Who had a gun to her head?  Kathy - like every adopter - had the option to adopt from foster care and save herself all of this expense. But she CHOSE not to, and CHOSE to pay the fees she paid.

With all her talk about selfishness, Kathy - and the vast majority of adopters - see it only in terms of themselves and miss the most selfish aspects of adoption:

• that every person who pays the outrageous fees increases the demand and thus increases baby brokering and child trafficking to meet the demand
• that a good portion of the dollars they pay go to bribes and unscrupulous baby brokers and child traffickers
• that the same amount of money could be far better spent supporting charities that help FAMILIES in crisis and impoverished villages throughout the world by building schools, digging wells and helping to provide medical care and supplies....

But instead, adopters like this choose to bring home a prize to commemorate their liberalism, or their Christianity; their altruism and their humanitarianism. Kathy could have chosen - heaven forbid - to foster a family... or, to "adopt" a child on paper only and send money to help his entire family, not leave them behind ad she selfishly chose one to "rescue" as a prize....like a hunter who mounts his trophy.

Worse still, she writes with total lack of thought, posts all of this in public where her child(ren), when they are old enough, can read it. Kathy displays utter, selfish disregard for how any adoptee reading it might be made to feel? The GRATITUDE! The indebtedness for the huge investment...the expectations they must live up to to warrant such an expense!

Most of all...what about her adopted child? If she writes this because this is how she feels, I don't doubt for one minute Kathy is not projecting it, AND saying it within earshot of her adopted child(ren)! 

And here's the kicker!  The blog which posted this guest blog post - without comment is Kristen, mom of four children "within four years via birth and adoption."  But, hold onto your hats. Kristen
is not JUST a mom and a blogger (whose credits include Huffington post)...she also describes herself as.... get this: A Marriage and Family Therapist!

And yet despite her education, her training and a certificate hanging on her wall... she posted Kathy's "all about me, me, me" essay without any without a one word of her own as a preface, a footnote or any commentary whatsoever.

Does family therapist, Kristen care how this blogpost - posted on HER blog - sounds to adoptees? Is she unaware of all the jokes about Jewish and Catholic guilt from mothers who complain: "Oy, you should only know the pain I suffered to deliver you!  Twelve hours in labor!"

In this case money is the guilt-inducer. We could have had a new car or a vacation but instead we CHOSE YOU...because we love you so much!  (Now be grateful!)

No adopted child chooses to be taken form his family, his roots, his heritage. Kathy chose to do that TO him because SHE - selfishly - wanted to and has now let him know that loud and clear.

Shameful.

Kathy is far from alone, as the responses to her post indicate... and, as one can read every day on adoptive parent blogs.

Why is it, I ponder, that SO MANY who adopt need to seek public attention and play victim?  

Why do they seek sympathy for their infertility, sympathy for their infertility treatments (and the cost), sympathy for the "imposition" of a home study and the "scrutiny" that they alone must endure and natural parents do not have to go through, sympathy if a planned abuction adoption falls through....and now this?  Are we supposed to feel sorry for Kathy's choices as to how she spends her money, too?

Why does the blogosphere just explode with so much adoptive arrogance, pomposity, entitlement and need to play victim all at the same time??  Even when they CHOOSE to terminate an adoption and DUMP their kid, they write about what a difficult choice that was FOR THEM, and expect - and get - SYMPATHY and understanding for doing the unthinkable to a vulnerable child they committed to caring for !  Outrageous!

Is it a deep-seated RESENTMENT in paying these fees to adopt that gives them the haughtiness, the air of superiority that leads some to sue for wrongful adoption or return "goods" they find "unsatisfactory"?  Or to just whine, bitch, moan and complain about the cost.

As a mother who lost a child to adoption I find it all quite disgusting, in very poor taste and THOUGHTLESS for the feelings of anyone but herself. Thoughtless to how her words might hurt the very child she selfishly took from his family and culture.

Adopters like this need to look in the mirror and see and hear what they sound like.

We were the ones victimized by adoption. We LOST in the alleged win-win process. Adopters use their money to grab our kids. They won and yet it is THEY who play victim and call us bitter. How ironic is that?

You may seek my sympathy but you get my revulsion. My pity is for your adopted child or children, subjected to being raised by a  total narcissist.

And shame on Family Therapist, Kristen, for posting it without any comment whatsoever!  In doing so her total agreement is implied.

Adoption Entitlement

You've seen, read and heard it. I've seen, read and heard it. And it can be vile and repugnant. It's the stank of entitlement to a child by those who have tried and failed to have one of "their own."

Amanda, an adult adoptee, commenting on a blog post says:

"I have come across some insensitive comments and entries on blogs in the past year or so. One complained that too many grandparents are stepping up to care for the babies in families instead of letting couples adopt them. One complained that too many teengagers are keeping their babies when they should do “the right thing” and surrender them. Some have just complained in-general that there aren’t enough babies to go around to couples who want them. Some downright pray and ask others to pray for the surrender of a baby.... 

"Heck, one of the first things someone said to me when I started my reunion journey was “just keep in mind, your parents couldn’t have kids” as if it is my responsibility to not only make up for children that they could not have, but put my desires, needs, and acknowledgement of having another family out there aside, for their bennefit.

"The attitude of children as a “supply” makes adoptees feel like a commodity. It’s not putting the children first. It’s not considering the adoptee or Original Family’s losses... "

The entitlement attitudes I read online are often VILE and repugnant. And the public seems to support the view that every infertile person is somehow "entitled" to a child - even those who simply waited too long to have a child otherwise. When an anticipated adoption fails to come to fruition the outcries and the support for the couple wanting the child are enormous, with underlying disdain for the "nerve" of the natural mother to "renege" on the "deal." Barely a voice is herd above the din rejoicing for a family that saw their way fit or was supported enough to remain intact. 

I find it all an ugly stain on the history of our society that we prey on and seek to exploit the vulnerable - here and abroad - to meet a "demand" and in doing so turn a blind on all forms of fraud, corruption and outright kidnapping, as exemplified by Timothy and Jennifer Monahan who were ordered by the Guatemalan government to return the child they adopted when it was PROVEN that she was the victim of kidnapping. And the US Sate Dept stands in violation of international treaties by sitting on its hands and doing NOTHING in stark contrast to when it is a US child in foreign hands, as was the case for David Goldman - the US State dept was fierce in regaining custody from his son's Brazilian family who kept him illegally. In that case the US and US legislators were fierce in their efforts to undo the wrongful custody and have the child returned to his natural father. These two cases illustrate clearly prejudice and ethnocentric attitudes in whose parental rights have any value and whose can be trampled and ignored....and the victor applauded as a rescuer!

How can we think of adoption as an act of altruism when it takes children, one (or two) at a time away from their heritage, culture, language, and leaves their family behind in poverty?  The tens of thousands of dollars people are willing to pay to take one child from his or her culture and heritage - leaving his family behind in the same poverty - could do so much better if used to build a school, but medial supplies or dig a well and help an entire village instead of exploiting poverty. 

Adoption exploits poverty. I have dubbed it Reverse Robinhoodism as it takes from the poor and gives to the wealthy.  And our government supports this new colonialism with tax breaks that are not limited to the adoption of special needs children or those in US foster care. 

Demand for children is at the root of corruption and adoption fees far too often support unscrupulous baby brokers and child traffickers who fraudulently pass off stolen and kidnapped children as "abandoned" and they get passed through legitimate, "reputable" American adoption agencies who claim to have no way of checking their true identity, as was the case with the Monahnas, as well as with the Smolins and the Rollings families and many, many others who unwittingly became the parents of kidnapped children.

Also VILE is the way those adopting are so intent in getting what they want they turn a blind eye to OBVIOUS flashing red lights, like bribes and do not report “irregularities" - such as two children with the same name or same photo -  for fear they will be black balled and not get a child.

This is seen in books like “Finding Fernanda” by Erin Siegal, my book “The Stork Market,” and in the film “Wo Ai Ni (I love you) Mommy” where the adoptive mother counts out the bribe cash in her hotel room and says that she knows some will think this wrong but it’s just how things are done!

People need to make a choice to be part of the problem of part of the solution! Far too few people stand up and STOP the process and seek an investigation as did Betsy in Finding Fernanda. I know of only one other brave adoptive mother who did: Jennifer Hemsley. Others do their part by speaking out after the fact. Some become activists, like David Smolin who writes extensively on child trafficking for adoption after becoming an unwitting parent to two girls who were stolen from their mother in India.

We need activists. Ethiopia is the latest country to be STRIP MINED for children to meet the demand for adoption! It is impoverished and not protected by the Hague.

We need more to stand up and say NO! We need all the help we can get to battle the moneyed forces of the multi BILLION dollar adoption industry and their powerful lobbyists who spread propaganda such as intentionally inflating the number of orphans in the world, knowing that 90% of the children in orphanages have family who seek reunification and use orphanages to provide temporary care, food, medical aid and education they cannot otherwise afford. 

Why do we need to turn the tide? Because, as Amanda so eloquently said:

"Focusing on those adopting also does not help prevent children from being put in orphanages. It does nothing to eliminate a family’s poverty. It does nothing to encourage counties to eliminate stigmas against single mothers or provide social welfare programs so that families do not have to be separated first by poverty and then by adoption. Adoption should always be child focused; period."

How do we stop the insanity? One way is for those adopting to say NO when faced with something that smells fishy. Be a hero and truly "Christian" or altruistic person by NOT adopting and not being part of the problem.  Send the money you would have spent to obtain ONE child to an NGO like Save the Children, UNICEF, or Christian Children's Fund. Consider becoming a foster parent or look into foster-to-adopt programs, or become a Big Brother or sister. These are truly altruistic ways to help children and put THEIR needs above your wants and desires.


Another way is to put more effort into educating young women about the prevention of many causes of infertility and that it is not so simply to "just adopt" - a phrase I also hear far too often. We also can stop encouraging adoption with tax breaks that were intended to help the children in foster care - more than 100,000 of whom COULD be adopted - but are used instead to support adoptions that ignore them and may be in fact supporting criminal acts or unethical coercion.

Stop the insanity! Stop the exploitation. Stop the pervasive entitlement attitudes. Educate yourselves and others to the realities that there are NOT millions of children needing to be adopted. there are far more people wanting to adopt than children "available" and this creates corruption.

The tide is slowly turning. Adoption agencies have closed as countries like Guatemala close their doors to adoption. And even as new countries to exploit come up, some will never reopen. Reproductive technologies keep making newer and newer breakthroughs, some of which very sadly mirror the anonymity that is as the heart of the evilness of adoption.  On the upside, more and more adoptees are speaking out not just about the right to access to their truth but also to their feelings about in general - all of which are not so grateful.  Adults adopted from overseas are articulating the good and bad of having been taken from their homelands and raised in the land of the "free."

And, finally, adoptive parents are beginning to get less than positive feedback and kudos for have "rescued" children. many complain now about being asked "insensitive" questions such as how much did they pay for their kid as the truth of adoption as a supply and demand business is being exposed more and more every day by zealous investigative reporters like E.J. Graff and Erin Siegal.

Right to Adopt?

There is a major misconception being put forth:

"Adoption, for the most part, is a right that nearly everyone possessed by law,"  claims Caty DiDonato  Anderson. "Unlike the issue of gay marriage, which is a right many states have yet to grant (except for in the case of California, Arizona, and Florida, where the constitutions have been changed in order to exclude gay marriage), adoption by same sex couples or single gay people is a right that is being taken away."

"Among rights guaranteed to U.S. citizens is the right to have a child."

WRONG! The constitution protects parents right to nurture and maintain a relationship with their blood-related children! It does not grant anyone a right or entitlement to anyone else's children!

Add your comment to mine:

There is no right to adopt! It does not exist. Not in the U.S. constitution or anywhere in the world. It is not a right or an entitlement.

Ina Hut, upon resigning in disgust as director of Wereldkinderen (World Children) the largest adoption agency in the Netherlands recognized that “would-be parents have strong desires, and I understand that. Everybody has the right to want children,” she said, adding: “but you don’t have the right to children. Children have the right to parents. The right to children doesn’t exist on this planet.”

Adopting someone else’s child is a privilege. In private adoption that choice is left to the mother of the child. In state adoptions that right is the state’s to chose who is best fit for each child’s needs because adoption is about finding homes for children, NOT finding children for anyone who wants one (although the privatization of adoption has created a money talks market place).

Some same sex couples – and single people – may make fine parents and may even be preferable for some children. But that is a case by case selection, and considered along with other criteria such as age.

The people who have their rights abdicated by adoption are the adoptee and his original family. Every adoption takes the link between them and eradicates it then issues a new falsified birth certificate stating the child was “born to” his adopters. In denying those spearated by doption acces to their own original birth certificates the US is denying them their civil human rights – a right all others have.

They are the wronged party in adoption – the ones adoption is supposed ot be all about.

GET OVER IT!!

First it was the movie Orphan that got aps panties into bunches, and now this?

In the OMG Department this morning, is this comment:

"....on ABC, a tearjerker reunion series called “Find My Family” has angered some members of the adoption community with its attempts to reunite grown adoptees with their birth parents, a practice that, according to the critics, can marginalize the parents who adopt and raise children."

The excerpt above is from "Two Reality Shows Stir Publicity and Anger" in the NY Times today.


It compares Find My Family to outrageous ethnically stereotyping MTV reality show, as if there were any comparison.  It states the show "has been called exploitative by some groups that represent adoptive parents, while online discussion groups of people who gave children up for adoption have hailed the series for its potential to help break down legal obstacles that have sometimes made such reunions difficult..."

“The show is very exploitative,” said Martha Osborne, the founder of RainbowKids.com, an adoption advocacy Web site. Osborne said she supports efforts to allow adoptees and birth parents to exchange medical information. But the show’s methods bother her, she added. “Anytime you film somebody in real time having an emotional breakdown,” as “Find My Family” repeatedly does, she said, “that is exploitative.”

On FirstMotherForum.com, a blog that discusses issues among women who had given children up for adoption, Lorraine Dusky, one of the site’s authors, praised the series: “Maybe this will be heard by people who think it is unloyal somehow for a person to search out his or her roots, parents, family, when it is a most natural desire of consciousness.”

An ABC spokeswoman said on Friday that network executives were not available to discuss the series. But the network seemed to anticipate the objections. Before the show was broadcast, it made available to reporters taped interviews with the show’s co-hosts addressing several issues. Each of the hosts, Tim Green and Lisa Joyner, addressed the question of, as ABC put it in the materials, “why the show is not exploitative.”

“I personally wouldn’t have gotten involved with the show if it were exploitative,” Joyner, who was adopted as a child and who has adopted a child herself, said in one of the interviews. “We’re not dealing with a thousand-dollar or million-dollar prize, or a shot at fame. The only prize – the only ultimate gift that these people get – is their family.”

Any adoptive parents upset about ANYTHING affecting their ADULT children need to GET OVER IT!!  Does their "entitlement" and "ownership" have any expiration date prior to their death? The answer is: not for SOME.

Let me preface the remainder of my rant by saying that "some of my best friends" are adoptive parents and that, like any other segment of a society, cannot be painted with one brush stroke. Some are extremely open-minded, caring and selfless people who "get it." But things like this boil my blood, though it is an inevitable outcome of the adoption system we created and live with in these united states.

It is the nature of the beast - whole adoption process that puts aps in the driver seat with no co-pilot. It's ALL about THEM: what they want. They get to make all the choices: how much they want to spend, what age and gender they want, what health issues they are "willing to accept," what nationality they prefer, whether or not they would allow any contact with the birth family...and how much and when they are "willing" to tell their child.  All choices are THEIRS. They hold all the cards because they are the only paid customer and the only one who is catered to.

The entire murky industry exists because of their desires!  And, THEY get more sympathy and compassion and understanding than any other member of any so called "triad." Triad my behind -- it's a royal PYRAMID with them holding the major portion AND the crown on top.

It all revolves around THEM!  And their power and control reigns over even their adult children, many of whom live in fear of "hurting" them so they don't search or search in secret. What a rotten shame SOME of them can be so cruelly controlling and so lacking in understanding of the normal, healthy, human needs and desires of anyone other than themselves.  What shame that parents who would worry about adult reunions are so insecure about their ties to the children they raise....children who are clearly old enough to marry.

They are NOT the only ones who suffered a loss prior to adopting!  Their kids - the ones they "love" so much - lost too!

GET OVER IT!