Today I found these words that seemed to fit that theme...as well as a more recently one discussed here about what we wish we had been told.
Over and over again adoptive families talk about the joys of being a family. So why talk about grief? Because that’s where adoption has its beginning.
The pain is always just below the surface. When talking about the experiences that led to his need for adoptive parents, one boy told his caseworker, “It’s like a bruise that I don’t think about most of the time. Then something bumps it, and it hurts again.”
When a child gets his permanent family, he has already lived the loss of loved ones. It doesn’t matter whether that love was imperfect or harmful. He has lost years of learning, loving and growing.Innocence and the chance to just be a kid is often the casualties of this hurt.
These words are on a blog post entitled "Does it Have to Hurt" at Adoption Lives Transformed. It continues:
When we care about the child, we are confronted with the devastating consequences of his losses. We wish we could have protected him from the experiences that left him scarred and frightened. And we get angry....I have often dscribed the pain of my loss as a chronic pin that flres up at times ans soemtimes goes into remission of sorts. The auhtor of this blog post quotes an adoptee who descibes his loss and ensuring pain as being: “like a bruise that I don’t think about most of the time. Then something bumps it, and it hurts again.”
And what about the pain of the birth family? Parents completely lose their relationships with their child, the opportunity to be a parent and their places in the social order of the community. Grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts lose a member of their family.
I was most impressed with the authors take on anger - a subject and emotion which never leaves me entirely. I am grateful for her very enlightening, "aha" words that feel so very right deep down in my core, at the very root of the hurt:
When we love, we care enough to get angry.