Saturday, September 19, 2009

What do YOU Wish You Were Told?

At Grown in My Heart, the topic being discussed is: "What no one told me about adoption" a topic continued and at 73Adoptee, and, very thoughtfully as usual, over at O Solo Mama.

Solo Mama laments not being told: "that they had parents...No one put a face on them and told us this was something we should start thinking about right away, because our kids would. "

She regrets that, "No one explained that hundreds of thousands of Chinese families would quietly take in abandoned children, largely girls. In fact, the agencies proclaimed the opposite."

Solo started her list with "Don't get me started" ...well, where do I begin?

Number One: Yes, Virginia, you were lied to, we all were. Truths are regularly withheld, such as known health issues or those adopters can assume such as those known to be associated with certain regions (FAS) and those common to institutionalized children.

While the tactics of adoption practitioners resemble those of used car salesmen, the kids they are pushing - unlike used cars - do not come with CAR FAX vehicle history reports reports.

Number Two: While adoptees are totally in the dark, the most lied to and deceived out of all in the so-called "triad" are mother considering adoption or being pressured into, 'cause let's face the fact that without the baby-makers there's be NO babies to adopt no matter how slick the salesmen are. They'd all have to switch to surrogate baby farming!

Yes, Virginia, the biggest, boldest lies are sved for scared, vulnerble women who are already at financial disadvantage and so have no one prtetcing their rights, as adopters do. After all, if an adopter sees behind the curtain, realizes the truth and backs out, there are thousands other in line behind her glad to jump up one space in the line! Not so birhmothers, at least not so of those producing white, or light-skinned, healthy children! No, they need more coaxing - and when that fails - just steal their kids at gunpoint!

And so what do mother show lost their kids to adoption wish we were told:

1. That there are no guarantees in life:
  • you may never have any other children
  • that the "profile" you were given may be a pack of lies
  • the adoptive parents can die or divorce leaving your child with just one parent while you may marry, possibly even the baby's father
  • your child's life may or may not be any better off
  • you child may even be abused, abandoned or killed by those who cared enough to adopt him!
  • your child will undoubtedly feel rejected and abandoned even if in a very loving family
  • your child will never be able to know who you are or that you cared and loved him; and you will never be able o know if he is ok
  • that you will NEWVER FORGET no matter what you go on to accomplish in your life and it will effects every area of your life forever and ever
  • that the ripple effect will damage all of your relationships past and future and effect any subsequent children you may have and your relationship with them
  • promises of open adoption re just promises and can be broken; they are unenforceable because you have signed away ALL your parental rights
  • that if they break their promise they can move away and your adoption is just s closed as if it had never been opened, and there is nothing you can do about it except feel deceived and betrayed and cry and stomp
  • that you may feel numb, or believe you have done "the right thing" but eventually, it WILL wear off...
  • that you feel forever guilty and filled with shame - not for having gotten pregnant - but for giving away your own child; that people will never understand and you will always feel judged; that you may suffer PTSD, depression and a whole host of other known lifelong effects
  • that even if you reman beleiving it was good decsion and you "get on with your life" and put it all behind you - your kid can find you and burst your bubble and life you built on lies, sealed records or not.
  • that if you try to find your child - or he tries to find you - adoption agencies will have their hands out again asking for more fees, and may lie to you all over agin.
I'm sure as long as this list is, you can all add more things you wish you were told, PLEASE DO!

The saddest part - and the part we need to keep in the forefront of our minds - is that these were not things that WERE done in some historical past. This is standard operating procedure still today!

Adoption practitioners for the most part are used car salesman. They are entrepreneurs concerned about one thing and one thing only: their bottom line! Making that sale! Closing that deal! Transferring that kid for their fee!

Adoption today has been aptly called the wild west - virtually no rules!

And so it is our moral duty and obligation to tell the truth, 'cause they sure won't!

That is why I began writing about the dark side of adoption in the 1980s and will continue till they pry my keyboard and mouse from my cold dead - very twisted and gnarled - hands!


Peach said...

Thank you for continuing to write and speak up!

Osolomama said...

I know it sounds so dumb to say we didn't know they had parents! Of course, we knew on some level but there is this baby patch idea that is maintained throughout the process. It's all about the babies and how many babies there are and no one ever talks about where they come from, not really. Ut's quite a feat, and all fictional.

AdoptAuthor said...

I DO understand! The rescue myth is very powerful. As powerful as the better life myth was for us. It draws in GOOD, well-meaning people who adopt out of religious conviction or just good will! It creates justification of or those who are adopting out of their own needs.

The slick advertising and propaganda spread by the industry WORKS and works very well. It is powerful and the lies are very hard to combat. We ALL need to keep speaking out and telling the truth "they hate to hear"!!

It takes ALL of us...MANY voices.

maryanne said...

My list would be a little shorter but include some of the same things.

1. That you will never forget you had a child, and that this child might be the only one you ever have.

2.That there are no guarantees in life, and adoptive parents can die, divorce, become alcoholics, addicts, abusers just like anyone else.

3. Adoption will give the child a different life, not necessarily a better life.

4. Open adoptions can close at the adoptive parents' wish once the adoption is finalized and in most states you will have no legal way to enforce the agreement.

5. Surrendering mothers are not praised or understood once the surrender is final. All the praise you are getting as a mother considering surrender will evaporate once the deed is done, and you will be generally scorned and thought badly of.

6. Some adoptees suffer feelings of abandonment and rejection because they were surrendered.

7. Some adoptees do not search and do not want to be found. There is no guarantee of a happy reunion in X amount of years.

8. Some surrendering mothers suffer lifelong problems with guilt and other issues because of the surrender.

9. Just as there are difficulties in raising a child as a young single mother, there are difficulties and repercussions of surrender. It is not always the easier or better choice. It is not the "more loving" choice. It is not the "more mature" choice. No matter what you decide you really want to do, it will impact the rest of your life in signifigant ways. It is sometimes a permanent and painful solution to a temporary problem.

Anonymous said...

If I'd had known (in the uterus) that I would be given to strangers and horribly abused. I would have wound my umbilical cord as tight as I could around my neck and saved myself from a living HELL that would be my "childhood".

No one should be handed over to mentally ill, alcoholic, child molesters just because they have money.

The system continues to give innocent children to sickos. Why aren't our politicians screaming for reform? Simple: They don't care about adoptees, just the flow of money and free trips from the adoption industry's lobbyists.

pickel said...

Thank you so much for linking and for speaking out. I am learning so much from the adoptee side of adoption and I love it.

Hope you can stop by GIMH more often and share. We really enjoy everyone's viewpoints.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing...

Margie said...

You nail this, as always, Mirah.

Truth is what it comes down to, and truth is still sorely lacking in the adoption world. I think there are efforts underway in many circles to put that right, but still: the truth is far to easy to co-opt in this experience, and that needs to stop.

Well said.

RussiaToday Apr 29, 2010 on Russian Adoption Freeze

Russi Today: America television Interview 4/16/10 Regarding the Return of Artyem, 7, to Russia alone

RT: Russia-America TV Interview 3/10

Korean Birthmothers Protest to End Adoption

Motherhood, Adoption, Surrender, & Loss

Who Am I?

Bitter Winds

Adoption and Truth Video

Adoption Truth

Birthparents Never Forget