Solo Mama laments not being told: "that they had parents...No one put a face on them and told us this was something we should start thinking about right away, because our kids would. "
She regrets that, "No one explained that hundreds of thousands of Chinese families would quietly take in abandoned children, largely girls. In fact, the agencies proclaimed the opposite."
Solo started her list with "Don't get me started" ...well, where do I begin?
Number One: Yes, Virginia, you were lied to, we all were. Truths are regularly withheld, such as known health issues or those adopters can assume such as those known to be associated with certain regions (FAS) and those common to institutionalized children.
While the tactics of adoption practitioners resemble those of used car salesmen, the kids they are pushing - unlike used cars - do not come with CAR FAX vehicle history reports reports.
Number Two: While adoptees are totally in the dark, the most lied to and deceived out of all in the so-called "triad" are mother considering adoption or being pressured into, 'cause let's face the fact that without the baby-makers there's be NO babies to adopt no matter how slick the salesmen are. They'd all have to switch to surrogate baby farming!
Yes, Virginia, the biggest, boldest lies are sved for scared, vulnerble women who are already at financial disadvantage and so have no one prtetcing their rights, as adopters do. After all, if an adopter sees behind the curtain, realizes the truth and backs out, there are thousands other in line behind her glad to jump up one space in the line! Not so birhmothers, at least not so of those producing white, or light-skinned, healthy children! No, they need more coaxing - and when that fails - just steal their kids at gunpoint!
And so what do mother show lost their kids to adoption wish we were told:
1. That there are no guarantees in life:
- you may never have any other children
- that the "profile" you were given may be a pack of lies
- the adoptive parents can die or divorce leaving your child with just one parent while you may marry, possibly even the baby's father
- your child's life may or may not be any better off
- you child may even be abused, abandoned or killed by those who cared enough to adopt him!
- your child will undoubtedly feel rejected and abandoned even if in a very loving family
- your child will never be able to know who you are or that you cared and loved him; and you will never be able o know if he is ok
- that you will NEWVER FORGET no matter what you go on to accomplish in your life and it will effects every area of your life forever and ever
- that the ripple effect will damage all of your relationships past and future and effect any subsequent children you may have and your relationship with them
- promises of open adoption re just promises and can be broken; they are unenforceable because you have signed away ALL your parental rights
- that if they break their promise they can move away and your adoption is just s closed as if it had never been opened, and there is nothing you can do about it except feel deceived and betrayed and cry and stomp
- that you may feel numb, or believe you have done "the right thing" but eventually, it WILL wear off...
- that you feel forever guilty and filled with shame - not for having gotten pregnant - but for giving away your own child; that people will never understand and you will always feel judged; that you may suffer PTSD, depression and a whole host of other known lifelong effects
- that even if you reman beleiving it was good decsion and you "get on with your life" and put it all behind you - your kid can find you and burst your bubble and life you built on lies, sealed records or not.
- that if you try to find your child - or he tries to find you - adoption agencies will have their hands out again asking for more fees, and may lie to you all over agin.
The saddest part - and the part we need to keep in the forefront of our minds - is that these were not things that WERE done in some historical past. This is standard operating procedure still today!
Adoption practitioners for the most part are used car salesman. They are entrepreneurs concerned about one thing and one thing only: their bottom line! Making that sale! Closing that deal! Transferring that kid for their fee!
Adoption today has been aptly called the wild west - virtually no rules!
And so it is our moral duty and obligation to tell the truth, 'cause they sure won't!
That is why I began writing about the dark side of adoption in the 1980s and will continue till they pry my keyboard and mouse from my cold dead - very twisted and gnarled - hands!