Friday, August 28, 2009

Adoption Give-Backs

In adoption abuse extends beyond physical and sexual and transcends all other types of emotional abuse non-adoptees could ever experience. High on the list of discpiciable things done in the name of adoption by those who dare call themselves "forever families" is terminate, "disrupt" or end their if divorcing a spouse.

Some simply return to the source, or dump into the foster care system.not so, however for the majority of these cases which involve kids from outside the U.S. These kids wind up in residential treatment centers or passed on - recycled? - to another set of "desperate" parents; parents by choice, not chance.

I am always rendered heart sick by such tales of utter rejection and abandonment and the permanent scaring on the soul of the children...the lack of preparation and false expectations on the part of adopters...

And yet, the only small comfort in this is that the child is spared living in such a home with people who could that, or being abused.

Case in point: The New York Times MotherLode Blog, 8/26/09. Note that many commenters praise her for her honesty! (Was that why she posted it and exposed herself to criticism? Being called brave, honest, courageous -- ptied and agreed with by others who committed similar shameful acts?) I find that like praising a man who cheats on his wife for then being "honest" about his deceitful behavior! Especially when he reveals it only after being caught, and expects forgiveness.

In criminal law, admitting a crime doesn't get you off scott free, and certainly doesn't win you accolades...why should it in the world of morality?

One of my fav adoptive moms expresses similar revulsion and does so very well. I highly recommend you read...ThirdMom's reponse.

As I commented on the Times site, why post this if she has no tips to help others avoid her failure, and hardship for herself as well as her child and other children?

Bottom line:

  • Why is it that adoptive parents openly ask for and receive far more pity for their physical short-coming (no pun intended, or is there) than the blind or amputees ever would?
  • Why is their loss of procreative ability a loss the world needs to share and mourn with them, while ours are ignored?
  • Why has adoption become a public event with blog after blog about every step of "their" painful "journey"?
  • While do they get pity even when they give away a kid they promised to care for, but we get NONE? (Not that I want pity, thank you very much...just a little compassion).


Anonymous said...

Why is it that adoptees cannot divorce their abusive a-parents? Why are WE kept as prisoners by the people who adopted us?

"Disruption" (LMAO) SHOULD be a two-way street.

triona said...

Anonymous, I totally agree.

This touches on the same questions I asked in my latest blog post. Why are adoptive parents the "rescuers", the "heroes" while mothers and adoptees are totally ignored? I have no pity at all for adoptive parents who "disrupt" the adoption. They signed up for parenthood, they signed up for the long haul. What the heck do they think they would do if the kid was biologically theirs? Probably try harder. But since they bought via adoption they think they have the right to return the goods. It's the kids I feel for in that situation.

Margie said...

Thanks for the link, Mirah. I'm still scratching my head about that article, especially since several others by the same author (one of which was subsequently pulled) tell a very different story. It's very odd, but mostly very sad for that little boy.

AdoptAuthor said...

Yes, yes and yes...but as sad and heartbreaking as it is i cannot help but think of the Kenny Rogers lyrics: ya' gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em" and I believe most of these kids are better off dealign with the motional scars of rejection than being kept and abused or worse.

No one should be forced to be a parent who does not want to.

I just want to never hear the term "forever family" or be told "any dog can give birth" or any assumptions about adopters being more highly motivated because they do not become parents by accident. THAT is exactly what makes t so much worse!

AdoptAuthor said...

Jean Mercer, developmental psychologist with a special interest in parent-infant relationships, comments on this case:

"he adults in these situations need guidance and treatment as much as the children do...When problems arise, treatments also need to take this into account. Therapies that focus primarily on "fixing" the child are not likely to be helpful. Treatments that emphasize extended eye contact [which this mother tried unsuccessfully, and then felt more doomed] between parent and child are especially problematic."

maryanne said...

OK, I finally read the article. I was expecting something about a demon child of at least 5 destroying the home, killing pets, terrifying siblings. But this was about a BABY who this adopter (no kind of Mom in this story:-)just didn't like. The worst thing he did was eat poop and smear it around, and not give HER the emotional strokes she wanted! Hardly reason to get rid of a kid. What about parents who have kids with medical conditions that leave them in diapers forever? What about parents raising autistic kids who give little emotional response? Those people I feel sorry for, and also feel great admiration because they perservere and love their kids forever despite the hardships. This woman deserves any criticism she gets for her "poor me" attitude and her lack of any sense of responsibility for further scarring the life of an already hurt child.

What the hell were these people thinking when they adopted, especially after having a slew of daughters they raised?? Like others here, I feel really bad for the baby, but the adopter comes across as selfish twit. No pity for her. This story and those like it make me sick.

AdoptAuthor said...

Indeed, maryAnne,

He was no threat of harm to anyone in her family. In fact it was also her kids who she said did not "attach" tO HIM!

URGHHH...this woman just took way too much on. One has to join in Margie in scratching our heads and wondering WHY...

Hope you saw the comment by the child psych who actually "gets it"!!

maryanne said...

Yes, just read that comment, very refreshing after all the attachment therapy bullshit that is out there. It should be required reading for prospective adoptive parents. So should that awful blog, which also should be read by mothers considering surrender who think all adoptive parents are saints and better than them.

For sheer selfishness, irresponsibility and immaturity, I can't think of anything a young single mother could do that would be worse than what this "entitled" adoptive mother did and then had the nerve to cry in her beer about.

RussiaToday Apr 29, 2010 on Russian Adoption Freeze

Russi Today: America television Interview 4/16/10 Regarding the Return of Artyem, 7, to Russia alone

RT: Russia-America TV Interview 3/10

Korean Birthmothers Protest to End Adoption

Motherhood, Adoption, Surrender, & Loss

Who Am I?

Bitter Winds

Adoption and Truth Video

Adoption Truth

Birthparents Never Forget