I call your attention today to read Love and Adoption, a Grown in My Heart reprint of a post that was originally published in May 2010 at Our Little Tongginator.
There is some very good advise - which my be, hopefully, more easily heard digested because it is being given from an adopter to other adopters or those considering that path, such as:
As adoptive parents, we need to get past any insecurities we have about our childrens feelings for and connection to their first parents. Period. When your child asks you about his or her birthparents, you need to answer truthfully, respectfully and with great compassion. There is no place for envy nor insecurity. This needs to carry through into your child’s adolescent and adult years, when he or she may even choose to search for and/or increase contact with the other family.
She also says things like: "I’ll be blunt here… if you expect your child to feel grateful to you for adopting him or her, then you are being boastful" and asks adopters to listen with an open mind and heart to adult adoptees and not shut them out as bitter or angry.
We also must treat first parents with respect rather than rudeness. In the past two months, I have encountered several blogs plastered with Scripture and “pray for us” messages that also include derogatory terms describing natural mothers, including, but not limited to, “breeders” and “incubators.” Really? Come on, really?The author, who is adopting I believe (?) her second child, a "non-special needs" child from China, speaks to those who feel called by God to adopt and uses 1 Corinthians 13:4 to address the selfless love required to parent an adopted child:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
All well and good....BUT... it begins by accepting the notion that the taking of the child through adoption was the only or the best solution, even while giving lip service to Family Preservation.
What she OMITS is advising those who feel called by God to adopt to be very careful in interpreting God's words regarding saving or rescuing children. She neglects to warn them to be mindful that He might not necessarily mean by adopting them and taking them from their families and their culture. There are many ways to interpret God's calling to help children that will help them AND THEIR FAMILIES: Christian Children's Fund, SOS Village, Save the Child, UNICEF, foster parenting...even being a Big Brother or Sister, tutoring, mentoring...so MANY, many ways to help children without making them possessions and severing them from their roots and heritage. Many ways to serve God and help families in crisis without severing family ties and filing the pockets of adoption industry workers...and baby brokers.
She neglects, of course, to stress that adoption - especially transnational adoption - must always be a LAST RESORT for children and families in crisis. Make sure all extended family of your family has been located and is on board with the adoption plan: Don't be a Madonna and take a child with family who wants the child. You do not want to find yourself in the position. Consider that lack of contentment is what the Bible calls covetousness -- wanting something other than what God has ordained for us.
Nor does she mention that the bible teaches us through the story of Moses, who returns to his people of birth, the importance of the connection to one's roots -- inseparable, even by adoption. And that it says in Job 23:9 "The fatherless child is snatched from the breast; the infant of the poor is seized for a debt" and that this is truer today than when it was written.
No, instead, she dances around the elephant at the center of the issue: that most adoptions today are totally unnecessary and contrary to serving the best interest of children an families in crisis. Instead, she begins with with the assumption that you ARE going to adopt, so at least do it lovingly...and we must applaud these efforts while pointing out that they do fall short of the mark.
We must over and over remind these well-intentioned "do-gooders" about that road to Hell and about the loving Christian intentional adopters, such as the Smolins and Rollings who unintentionally adopted stolen children.
Serendipitously, as I was writing this post, someone named "Tom" posted a comment on my post about John Wyatt's struggle for his daughter, "Baby Emma", the latest LDS contested adoption mess in Utah,,,and what he said is so prophetic. It applies to all adoptions, domestic and international:
"I believe that the thousands of well meaning adoptive parents who become ensnared in these crime ring human trafficking adoptions are victims too. BUT, those adoptive parents CAN become accomplices when they find out they have been victimized but they chose to then keep participating in the crime. these adoptive parents are no longer primarily victims of this crime but are now accomplices and criminals along with the human trafficking ring officials."