Saturday, November 15, 2008

In Memroium

Thanksgiving '08 - Without Alicia

The winter darkness closes in
Blocks the light of day, the light of hope
Holidays created to bring artificial light and cheer
Friends and family to lighten the spirit
can instead

be reminders of what is not present

Thanksgiving 1995 was on Thursday, Nov. 23rd
What friends were there with her? What family?

Then came Chanukah.
Who came to her humble rented room in Clifton, New Jersey?
What invitations? Phone calls?

Did the one who had coveted her just 27 years prior…
sought her out
Took from those who loved her
Did the one appointed “mother”
The one who did not come on
February 27, 1995
to identify her self-silenced, cold corpse
who did not claim her earthly remains
did not kiss her goodbye and put her to rest...

Did she call and wish her a Happy Holiday?
Invite her to join the family for dinner?
To eat and rejoice?

Or were they all too busy with their own lives to care?
The ones she called her brothers; "family"?

Or, had they given up?
Lost hope in the “nice Jewish” Barbie Doll
they had bought
who did not perform and meet their expectations?

Had she been left alone to fend for herself?
Abandoned by her alleged “forever family”?

Did she feel like a disappointment to them?
Not meeting the standards her “brothers” had met?

Did I not too let her down?
I wasn’t there either. Didn’t call.
Abandoned her yet again when she was at her lowest.
My lot to live with. My cross to bear…

As the darkness closes in.
As it did on February 27, 1995…

What had she to be thankful for?

Was Alicia’s prayer :
Look on my right hand, and see,
for there is no man that knoweth me;
I have no way to flee;
no man careth for my soul.

Did she cry out asking who is her refuge in the land of the living?

Did she pray:
Attend unto my cry; for I am brought very low;
deliver me from my persecutors;
for they are too strong for me.
Bring my soul out of prison…

Were her prayers heard?

miles away and years away
a tiny candle will flicker in the darkness.

A Yahrzeit light…a memorial

For 24 hours the flame will flicker
In a state of unsettled unstillness
Swaying this way and that
Dimming at times and then flashing brightly

For she who lived her life like a candle in the rain

Never Knowing....

Please visit Alica at: and
She lives on in our hearts...and in the work to preserve natural families...

"Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage: anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they don’t remain the way they are."
St. Augustine


Bernadette said...

What a beautiful memorial. Have a peaceful and happy Thanksgiving. Alicia certainly does live on in our hearts and work.

AdoptAuthor said...

Thank you. I will be spending it with Alicia's REAL sister: Adira, in New Orleans.

Anonymous said...

Over the years the sadness of your daughter's death still looms over the brightness of living in the now. I know all to well how it feels and I know what it is like to "live" with a broken heart. Even the most joyous occasions are dampened forever. No matter how many friends, family, beautiful surroundings and good food.....they are missing and they have taken who we were with them. Pray for them, us and peaceful days till we are together again. God bless Alicia, Paul and Billy, we love you. Your mothers.

AdoptAuthor said...

Please send me Billy and Paul's info for

I try to find balance between honoring her loss and not dwelling on it..

The Improper Adoptee said...

God-this brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry adoptauthor-I didn't know your daughter had taken her life-I am so sorry for your pain-she is waiting for you though-and someday you can reunite with out all the Adoptial abuse spewed on both of you. I know she feels love for you where she is right now-please let that give you strength.

AdoptAuthor said...

Thank you for your more than "proper" and kind thoughts.

maybe said...

Both heartbreaking and beautiful.

Lorraine said...

Oh, Mirah, so sad, so sad were the lives of our daughters....

my thoughts are with you, with her.

in friendship


Sandy Musser said...

Dearest Mirah:
What a beautiful and sad expression of your heartache. And we know that there aren't any words that can begin to soothe the horror of it all which never seems to end. Just know that you are enveloped by those of us who care and understand. Sandy Musser

Anonymous said...

Mirah, I am so sad for your loss, both of them. (((HUGS)))

AdoptAuthor said...

Sandy - it is that envelopment, uderstanding and compassion from my 'sisters" that has always gotten me through it and always will continue to.

maryanne said...

Very touching poem! May Alicia rest in peace, and may seeing Adira be some comfort in your sorrow that rises at holiday times.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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