UPDATE OF EARLIER POST:
After all the brew-ha-ha (as in an uproariously funny big fuss-about-nothing) about the trailer which had the start character, orphan Esther ponders aloud that it must be hard to love an adopted child as much as their own...and adoptive parents in this country saw that somehow as a threat to their sanctity and petitioned Warner Bros pull the trailer......(OR, was it all just clever publicity?)
NOW, there are TWO NEW TRAILERS:
The first, a greatly abbreviated version of this, reveals that esther may not be an orphan at all since the orphanage never heard of her! Dum dah-dah-dum-dum...
In yet another preview showing on TV the ap says:
"I want her out of the house no matter what it takes."
BUT wait, wait...that's not all!!
There's more......
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She then says:
"I'll do anything to protect my children."
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That's right - adoptive mommy says "my" children about her other - REAL - kids!!
Wonder if there will be complaints about that?
Serendipitously... while researching something else recently, I came across advice on adopting a child into a family that already has biologically connected (real!) kids, as did actress Mary-Louise Parker. Preker says among questions she was asked about her newly acquired African child, is this gem: ""Somebody asked what her name was, and I told them Aberash. They said, 'Did you make that up, or did she come with that?' Like she was a car!"
"Many families blend biological and adopted children," the article informs us. (Adoptive Families magazine estimates that about 25% of its readers also have biological children.) Are there unique challenges in bringing home a child who’s been adopted when you already have biological children at home?
Of course -- but it might be less complicated than you think, says Adam Pertman, executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute. "Sometimes we think this is harder, or odder, than it really is. There are lots of complex kinds of families. What is it like when there are step-siblings, or half-siblings? What is it like when you live with a grandmother who takes care of the family? That doesn't mean you don't think it through, but I don't think we should be making it a bigger deal than it is, either."
Adam Pertman says: "It’s not unusual or weird or problematic. It's just another way to be a family. Talking about the issues involved in adoption is fine, but talking about them obsessively is not. You don't make a big deal out of normal things."Nice that existing kids are prepared...but I see little preparation for the new incoming child...and a total absence of the how to deal with the reverse situation: helping an adopted child adjust to a subsequent child BORN into their family!! It happens...we all know it does. And could represent quite a threat...As you prepare to adopt, keep your older child or children involved in the process (in an age-appropriate way) -- show them pictures and talk about what will happen. If you're preparing a family profile, let your children tell you what they'd like their part of the profile to say.
To help you, your child, and the rest of your family prepare and adjust, Adoptive Families magazine recommends Brothers and Sisters in Adoption: Helping Children Navigate Relationships When New Kids Join the Family, by Arleta James, a clinical therapist at the renowned Attachment and Bonding Center of Ohio.
11 comments:
"and a total absence of the how to deal with the reverse situation: helping an adopted child adjust to a subsequent child BORN into their family!! It happens...we all know it does. And could represent quite a threat..."
Yup, it happens. It happened in our family.
They are now in their 20's and close friends. In fact they are out together right now, after having been round to our place for dinner.
They also get along well with my reunited son who has just visited for the second time, and plan to visit him in the U.K in the near future.
You are a very lucky lady, Kippa! How wonderful for you and for them.
Still interesting that that scenario was omitted from the "blended family." It can be tough.
My daughter was adopted into family with three biological sons. I think it was one of many difficulties in her too short life.
I know I'm lucky.
Still, the point I was trying to make is that dire prognostications (and believe me, we were treated to a variety of such when I became pregnant after adopting. It's quite charming really, how some folks have the will to schadenfreude) don't always pan out as predicted.
My reunited son also became part of a family into which three bios, two girls and a boy were born after his adoption.
But I agree with you that the omission is unfortunate. It is something that deserves consideration along with the other blended family situations.
However, I also think that being *over* prepared (by professionals and therapists) is not necessarily such a good thing either.
Kippa,
Is your "reunited son" the eldest?
Are you comfortable sharing any part of your decsion to adopt?
My daughter was surrendered in 68. I remarried in 71 and looked into adopting from foster care. About 10 years later I fostered a couple of kids.
And thanks for adding "schadenfreude" to my vocabulary!
Yes, my reunited son, born '62, is the eldest in both his families.
I decided to adopt through social services 19 years after his birth.
I'm not sure what you mean about "any part" in my decision to adopt.
We certainly considered carefully beforehand.
When I had called social services with an interest in adoption in 1971 or 72, I inquired spcifically if there were any children approximately 3 years of age available. It took me many years of hindsight to realize that my own child lost to adoption was clos to that age! I was totaly unaware on a conscious level of that connection.
And, in fact, I later fostered teens when she was in her teens!
None of this seems to be the case for you...but I always find it intersting the ripples and tremendous effect our loss has on so mauch of our life and our decsions. Many of us act in so many ways to justify that what we did was "right" - as in becoming social workers or working in crisis pregnancy centers...it effects tremendously our relationships with our parents of course, and with any men our lives....greatly impacts the number of subsdquent children we birth - inetentioanlly or unintentionally. I beleive I "needed" to "prove" I could be a good mother.
I know other mothers who lost their first and said they conscosuly could never give birth again. Some expressed a definitive feeling that having another child felt like a betrayal to the first.
Yet, others we know, statistically, suffered a higher than average level of secondary infertility.
I often wonder how I would have felt had I adopted when I inquired - knowing all I know now ...
I helped one of my foster kids - a teen boy who had ben thrown out by his adoptive mother - find his original family. The poor kid was in a lousy no-win situation having had a less than adequate birth as well as adoptive family. At least he knows the truth, though the last I heard he was in prison. Very sad.
I guess you'll have to put me down as an anomaly then.
Or simply private person.
Whatever you need to believe, Mirah. If it fits your universe, fine.
I will say though, since I have never thought that relinquishing my son was right, either at the time or retrospectively, there was no question of justification.
It is as simple as this. I wanted to parent, though I wasn't prepared to go to extreme lengths to do so. My adopted son happened to be in need of a home. We made a fit. A year later, and my husband and I have been in Egypt and would never have adopted.
Incidentally, I have never believed that being adopted is the optimum situation for anyone. But sometimes it is better than the alternative.
Thank you for sharing, Kippa, though I am not sure why my respect for your privacy engendered sarcasm, anger, or upset...
I never judged you in any way. I merely shared with you my experiences and those of others I have met in the past 30 years. I even said: "None of this seems to be the case for you."
I was adopted into a family with 2 bio sons
They adored me when I was little I am lucky to see one of them once a year and the other one ---- well weddings and funersals is about all..
But then thats about all they see EACH Other and they are bio to each other...
Personally anything that doesnt fit the *normal* sucks. Because someone ALWAYS Gets hurt.
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