The article begins:
Emotional bullying is when someone tries to gain control by making others feel angry or afraid. It is characterized by verbal abuse such as name-calling, sarcasm, incessant teasing, threatening, mocking, putting down, belittling, ignoring, and lying. Also known as adult and workplace bullying, emotional bullying also includes such abuse as exclusion from a group, tormenting, ganging up on others, or humiliation. Moreover, this type of bullying also extends to racially or sexually abusive comments and behavior.
Ah yes, we have all experienced this on every list we've been on! We can name names and recognize very specific examples of each and every negative behavior listed here: name-calling, sarcasm...I know I for one have seen a great deal of that, as well put downs and lies.
The author then very much echoes what I had concluded about the low self-esteem of the emotional bully. They are most often people who feel so badly about themselves that they can only feel better by belittling others. Putting others down is their only means of feelings superior in a world in which they feel so immensely inferior. Anyone who has been in a verbally abusive marriage or romantic relationship knows this all too well. It also happens in the workplace.
....[emotional] bullies exist along the same continuum as personality disordered persons who have anti-social tendencies and sociopaths. "While they may never exhibit criminal behavior, their inability to have compassion and understanding for others links them to these more severely affected persons. Psychologically, the root of all of these self-serving traits along this continuum is an internal lack of selfhood."As for how to cope with this cruel and deviant behavior the article goes deeper than simply the advise to ignore them that we have all heard, and I for one often have trouble doing. I am very much guilty of attempting to argue back or trying to "defend" myself against very personal vicious attacks. It is far easier to tall someone to "not take it personally" than it is to do, when YOU are called a hurtful name, at least it's hard for me! The NY "don't back down" in me often gets triggered. But like road rage, we all know where that can lead and it aint good! And "you started it" needs to be left in elementary school yards and toddler playgroups. I assume those who can rad can very easily draw their won conclusions.
I am getting better at "taking it from the source"... turning the other check and walking away from it...though I am still learning. I am not by nature passive, so it is a challenge. I try and remind myself that we are all damaged by our loss and suffering in pain and a great deal of that comes out as misdirected anger. As the article says:
...it becomes easier to ignore a bully once you understand that they are acting out of their own pain and insecurities and that to take it personally doesn't do you any good whatsoever.There is apparently, too some conflicting advise in this area:
Experts say that the best way to address bullying is to take a strong, proactive stance. In other words, stand up to bullies. If enough people stand up to a bully, the reasoning goes, eventually the bully will be forced to change. However, according to web counselor Burr, "it depends on what you mean by 'change'."I think some of us got this advise from our parents when we were bullied as kid sin school. In my experience, this works for the occasional, out of character, loss of temper nasty comment from an otherwise balanced and professional person. The article continues:
...while it would be in everyone's best interests for the bully to recognize and change their behavior, it isn't always possible. In other words, it is up to you to change your behavior and your response to the bully....[by] spending as little time, energy and attention as possible on the bully and his or her antics.One of the final suggestions is:
- Be confident and look bullies in the eye. Speak in a calm and clear voice and name the behavior you don't like and state what is expected instead. For example: "Stop teasing me like that. I want you to treat my feelings and opinions with respect."I hope you will all read this article in full and pass it around. (The link is in the first line of this post.) I found it insightful and very helpful, and again, I want to thank the anonymous person who sent this to me. We can all - including me - use all the help we can to deal with be being bullied...without falling into the trap of trying to fight fire with fire.
No, I am NOT playing victim. Victimhood is not a position I am at all comfortable with, and not part of my persona. I have plead guilty to, and take full responsibility for my part in these flaming wars and vow to work harder still to change. If each of us would so the same...take responsibility for OURSELVES and stop looking at others faults or what we dislike in them... the Internet - and the earth - would be far safer, saner, and more enjoyable places!
And so...I paused to rethink my "free speech" policy in regard to flaming, abusive comments. As a former university student and employee I know all too well the battles and debates over freedom of speech versus hate speech versus censorship. After some thought I have to conclude that what a publicly or private ly supported/financed institution does is one thing. This is a privately owned and controlled blog. My blog. I want to keep it a SAFE PLACE, and will exercise that right from this point forward.
DISCUSSIONS are clearly welcome on this and any future (and past) topics posted, of course! But discussion must be limited to the FACTS and ISSUES presented in the post. personally attacking or flaming comments will NOT be posted-- or a best will be carefully censored and name-calling etc. DELETED!
Please consider this when attempting to comment on this blog.