Family medical history crucial for mothers too

My Reply to a NJ Letter:

Peter Franklin (Family medical history crucial for adoptees http://tinyurl.com/6no5ug) is of course right: Family medical history is a vital part of everyone’s health care.

Outdated laws that disallow adoptees and their original families access from one another put all of them and their decedents at risk.

I am a mother who lost a child to adoption and I have been working with this population, researching and writing about adoption issues for nearly 40 years. It is a red herring to believe that mothers want anonymity from their own children.

Mothers who lose children to adoption often go on to have subsequent children without any knowledge of genetic health issues effecting their lost child that might change that decision or be important to the health of their other children.

Medical information needs to be constantly updated and the only way to keep it current and accurate is for people to be allowed to communicate with one another. There is no other circumstances where adults are prevented from doing this, without having violated a law regarding harassment. Yet even convicted felons are not denied knowing their own birth names, ethnicity, correct date and place of birth as many adopted persons are because they are issued falsified birth certificates and denied access to their original one.

Why then do NJ adoption records remain sealed? Because those who profit from adoption operate better under the cloak of secrecy. It’s time to stop supporting baby brokers at the expense of the right of citizens to life, liberty and equality.

ABC

ABC has been running a series of articles on adoption corruption, kidnapping and exploitation in Guatemala, China...and now an article focused on David Smolin’s case.

I suggest a thank you letter to ABC for the courage to expose this scourge and using it as an opp to speak about domestic coercion and exploitation.

Comments can be posted; below is mine:

I wish to thank ABC News for this entire series on corruption on the multi-billion dollar adoption industry.

With all due respect for my colleague Adam Pertman, his quote herein seems to downplay the seriousness of this.

The Smolins story is indicative of the fact that no matter how much diligence intelligent, well-meaning adopters use, there is an invisible line between the small number ethical, reputable agencies and the less scrupulous, all the way to baby brokers at the other end of the spectrum.

One can deal with an ethical agency (or one they believe to be) that has been lied to by the foreign agency or orphanage. This is what led Davd Smolin to research the subject extensively and coin the phrase "child laundering." Children are often passed through many hands and the end agency has no idea of the truth.

THIS MUST BE STOPPED. It is not going to be stopped by chalking it off as an anomaly. We are currently looking like very ugly Americans in Guatemala, China and worldwide for our participation in the trafficking of kidnapped children.

Again, thanks to ABC! I hope you will follow up with a story on coercion in domestic adoptions and US baby brokers who move from state to state, and the total lack of regulation of the industry. I also hope that Pertman uses his resources and influence to do the same. Police the industry and stop the profiteering in all adoption.

Adoptee Survey

I am completing my honours in Psychology this year and am lucky enough
to have secured a supervisor who is allowing me to conduct research on
adoption!! As you can imagine, I am extremely passionate about
advancing what known about the outcomes of adoption (such as those on
our adult relationships and self-esteem) , primarily to bring about
awareness and insight within human service professionals, but also
wider society. However, I need help from adoptees to fill out a short
survey (should take no longer than 30 minutes), as I am having huge
difficulties finding adoptees willing to take part.

Please help if you can!! And read this statement if you are interested:

A study is being conducted by researchers from the School of
Psychology (Griffith University, Brisbane, Australia) to investigate
the broad relationships that exist between individual's experiences in
close relationships, intimate experiences and aesthetic preferences.
Furthermore, we seek to investigate the effects that people's
experience of being adopted at an early age has on psycho-social
outcomes that influence adoptees' later life and development.
Therefore, you may choose to participate in this research as either an
adoptee or a non-adopted person who will form a comparison group.
Secondly, we are interested in understanding the broad relationship
between psychosocial variables, namely an individual's childhood
relationships with parents, close relationships as adults, self-esteem
and aesthetic preferences.

Your participation will assist us in our attempts to extend existing
literature and heighten knowledge and awareness of Psychology and
Human Services professionals.

Participation involves the completion of four survey tasks, followed
by a demographic questionnaire. If you are an adoptee, this involves
some additional questions regarding your unique adoption experience.
It is estimated that your participation will take approximately half
an hour and your time and assistance would be greatly valued.

To demonstrate your interest and/or willingness to participate, please
email the researcher listed below, who is receiving supervision for
her research in Psychology Honours from the Chief Investigator Dr
Penelope Davis. You will then be forwarded an information sheet and
survey package, to be received by you and returned to us via. email.

Jane Sliwka
BPsychScience Honours Student
Griffith University, Mt Gravatt
School of Psychology

jane.sliwka@ student.griffith .edu.au

Thanks to all of those who have sent this around to other forums and
adoptee support groups!! Please everybody else feel free to do

The Blame Game

Blame bl-bl-blah-blah blame

written two years ago, it seemed to bear repeating...


What a lovely little game
It’s often quite inane
Spread blame; deflect the shame
With excuses that are lame

Take responsibility?
Create liability?

Blame bl-bl-blah-blah blame
Blame you mother
(but not your father!)
Blame your boss
Take a toss

Everyone sins
No one wins

Blame bl-bl-blah-blah blame
Blame a friend
(though the friendship
well may end)
Blame the booze
(You’ve nothing more to lose)

You can lick it…
That’s the ticket!

Blame bl-bl-blah-blah blame
Till there’s nothing left to gain
And no one left to blame
Just a trail of blood and pain
Are you insane? Or just immensely vain?

There’s just one answer to it…
The devil made ya’ do it!

Blame bl-bl-blah-blah blame
Blame the rich (they’re so greedy)
Blame the poor (they’re so needy)
Blame the enemy for
Our war

Pass the buck
What the fuck!

M. Riben (August 05)

Lead, Follow, or Get out of the Damn Way!

Why is it human nature that in every organization from PTA, to HOA's to Church's, to national non-profits there are small groups of "doers" and a loud, albeit small group of complainers.

You know? The ones who will bitch that there weren't enough signs posted about the cake sale. But ask them if they'd volunteer to post signs next years and they're always "too busy" or sick.

The one's that tell you you ran the flea market all wrong and spent to much on advertising. Ask them to be on the committee next year and they simply can't.

They are all over - the do-nothing complainers. They do nothing to help, but they sure bitch about the way others do the things they don't or "can't." They even complain about when the doers receive any credit for what they did! I've known of cases where the do-nothing complainers go so far as to call the doers "divas" who are attention seekers or show-offs!

Complain, bitch, moan, groan, complain... but DO NOTHING!

Some volunteer and then, somehow magically get sick, or get stuck at work and never make it to committee meetings and never come through in the end. their computers break, phones get disconnected, dogs eat their to-do list. But they complain plenty about what others did or didn't do. Some commit to do a specific job and simply don't do it! And still they complain. Or they do it so poorly it needs to be done over entirely!

Others come to the committee meetings, but spend the whole time complaining and being so disruptive that nothing can get done. That is why the saying came about: Lead, Follow, or get out of the way! If you can't do anything positive at least shut up and let those who can, do it.

If you cannot contribute in a constructive, positive manner to a group or organization why spend your time wasting everyone else's???

There is yet another odd group I've come across lately. They have an issue they feel strongly about but have no idea how to fix it. They have no plan, no strategy...But they are angry that YOU have done nothing to fix their pet peeve problem. I am sure local and even national politicians are faced with this a great deal:

"Why have you done nothing to end world hunger?"
"What do you suggest I do as mayor of your town to help that?"
Reply: "I don't know, it's your job to find out how to solve it."
Mayor: "Would you like to organize a committee to see what our town could do to help end hunger? You could meet in the town hall and I could advertise it for you. maybe get the library to set aside room for food donations"
"No, too busy. Sick. My dog has fleas."

Next day - an angry letter to the editor that the mayor doesn't care about the hungry. Or worse, that the mayor threw the guy out of his office; was rude to him; disrespected him...

Those who can, do. Those who can't: SCAPEGOAT, blame, and project their shortcomings on others. Jealousy? Envy? Frustration?

If you sit home and hibernate you offend no one. You play it safe by doing nothing and make no enemies. “No one ever achieved greatness by playing it safe.” Harry Gray

Doers do, not because of the rewards but because of their passion. “Nothing great in the world has ever been accomplished without passion” (Hebbel). But, ironically, the "doers" not only do - they often also get hated, and must bear in mind these words of Rabbi Boteach to his son: "Never fear being hated:"

"Small men want to be loved. But big men are prepared to be hated. Small men tailor their actions to suit the multitude. But big men will do the right thing no matter how much it inflames the masses.

"Abraham Lincoln was detested by both South and North as he fought for the highly unpopular cause of emancipation. Winston Churchill was loathed in Britain for speaking out against Chamberlain's fictitious peace with Hitler. And Martin Luther King Jr. was cut down by an assassin's bullet as he pointed out the injustices practiced against black Americans. No great man or woman has ever lived who was not prepared to be hated….Do what's right even it costs you friendship. Do what's virtuous even if it leaves you lonely."

Will you chose to be a brave - albeit possibly lonely and maybe even hated "doer" - or will chose to complain and bitch? Shaw said: “Forget about likes and dislikes. They are of no consequence. Just do what must be done. This may not be happiness but it is greatness.” Mark Twain shared the Rabbi's conclusion saying: “Be good and you will be lonely.”

I dislike loneliness, and would rather be happy, but I have no choice. My passion drives me to DO! I want to know at the end of the day, and at the end of my life that I did everything I could do, I left no stone unturned.

Those whose passion drives us to do, though lonely, must keep in mind the words of Rudyard Kipling:
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

I try hard to follow this advise because I want to live up to the meaning of success defined by Ralph Wald Emerson:

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty,
to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier
because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

Somehow bitching and complaining, criticizing, projecting, making excuses, being angry, nasty, mean or sarcastic appear no where in the list of goals for my life...Are they on yours?

I will keep on keeping on... knowing that: “Everything I did [and will continue to do] in my life that was [and is] worthwhile I caught [and will continue to catch] hell for.” Earl Warren

My goal is not greatness or "success" for myself personally. My goal is to be a part of accomplishing a great and successful end to corruption in adoption. I know to do that I must lead or follow. I cannot and will not stand in anyone's way - nor will I let anyone stand in my way or the way of other doers.

What Gets You Through?

Chocolate ice cream and Kaluah have become my drug of choice? Red wine, sometimes.

I hate holidays. All holidays.

I am the anti-Valentine. I hate Christmas, my birthday and every Hallmark occasion.

I hate The Waltons and Martha Stewart, too.

But most of all...I hate Mothers' Day.

Even if I were NOT a mother of a twice lost child with the three kids I raised all out of state or out of the country...I would still hate the day that mothers use to brag about how great their kids are and seek to top one another with glowing tales of what their darling offspring got them to celebrate their undying love for, and appreciation of, them.

Barf bag, please!

I hated the holiday growing up. Couldn't stand the mushy cards that talked about Moms who were there to wipe your every tear. Just didn't seem quite right for the Mom who could care less, who blamed you for "making your bed now sleep in it." No cards for Moms who caused more tears than they wiped, or stood silently by while you received harm that caused those tears.

Maybe if we stopped glamorizing Mothers' Day -- and in doing so, romanticizing motherhood -- we wouldn't have people thinking that being another was worth anything...after they had everything else!

For those of you who might be enjoying the day with your long lost child I am happy for you. For those of us who will not, I share your pain.

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. ~Rajneesh

Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible. ~ Marion C. Garretty, quoted in A Little Spoonful of Chicken Soup for the Mother's Soul

As I sip my Kaluah float, what gets you through the tough times?

Some people:

- take baths (bubbles or slats?)
- breathe deeply/meditate
- long walks
- shopping
- message
- play music
- dance
- paint/sculpt
- call a friend

Most of all, find one thing that you can DO to make a change. Write a letter, whatever! Doing an act of activism is so EMPOWERING it will get you out of dulldrum!

We are ALL Mothers on Mothers' Day...and every day.

With Mothers' Day approaching and all of us who have suffered a loss through adoption feeling tense and not our best...I hope that we can get be extra supportive of one another through this difficult time.

For some of us it will be a wonderful and very exciting day with a cloud over it as always, and for others a totally sad one that will require our full strength to get through.

Let's put aside differences and ALL be there for one another!

Since the late 70s I have met and networked with, "known," and helped thousands of mothers who lost children to adoption find their children since completing my own search in 1977 or 8.

Based on my experience women are not all of one mind based on the era they lost their child. If we were all of one mind, we wouldn't have as much discord among mothers who lost their children during the very same period in history. Some might say that those who do not feel their child was "kidnapped" or "stolen" are in denial or deluding themselves, and perhaps so...the fact remains that not all mothers share the same feelings about their experience and feel the same as all other mothers based on the era of their loss.

There are many varying factors that go into how mothers feel about their loss. Many variables other than the year the loss took place. We all come into the experience with baggage: good supportive parents who want the best for us, abusive parents, etc. For some of us it was a first love, for some it was rape, others may have had many sexual encounters and/or abortions or children, prior to their loss to adoption.

And each of us came to the experience with our own individual coping skills. Some of us went into long periods of denial, or waited patiently to be found. Thousands of others did not.

Some mothers lost more than one child, some had subsequent children and some did not. Most all have been reunited but some were never able to actually connect and meet their child for one reason or another.

Some are convinced to this day that they made the right decision. Some have gone on to become social workers and some have adopted themselves because they see nothing wrong with adoption.

If you speak to adoptees who have searched you learn that there are totally cold-hearted mothers who lost children to adoption who do not want to be found. Some have hired lawyers when found and gotten restraining orders on their own children.

YES...the social mores of past decades were different than they are now. No one denies that. But we cannot make hard fast rules with dated demarcation lines or arbitrary generalizations that during that period there were less options. I know of MANY mothers from the BSE whose mothers offered to help and they refused. So SOME had options, others did not.

Conversely, if an expectant mother today is very young, or from a religious family - particularly a fundamental religion or Mormon - for her it is still 1955! She has zero choices!

There are now many VERY ANGRY mothers of the second wave of mothers who lost their children to so-called open adoption and were duped! Many of them are far more angry than some mothers of the BSE….and for good reason! Their hatred for adoption is based on the way things are today. They were lied to and duped – not told they’d forget as we were…but COERCED with a new sales pitch that was designed to meet the social climate of today. Origins-USA advocates for mothers’ rights and keeping families together. That is our mission. That means we stand for the rights of ALL mothers and treat them all with the same support, no matter if they lost their child(ren) 50 years ago or yesterday.

Most importantly, it is a slippery slope of inferring - or outright saying - that some mothers had it "worse" or "suffered more" (as was said to me in email this week) because of the era.

We are a DIVERSE group. Diversity honors differences, while not making any individual or group superior or another inferior. Otherwise we get into many “pissing contests”: Is someone who has “other” kids is “luckier” than someone who doesn’t or couldn't? Do those who have been rejected suffering more than someone who has a good reunion?

It’s just kinder not to go there and to embrace all of us as mothers in pain than to make distinctions.

A loss is a loss and any mother who feels that loss and seeks our help deserves to be treated equally and not made to feel that her loss was any lesser because she did not suffer the trials and tribulations of the BSE.

The circumstances were different. The pressures and coercion was DIFFERENT. But different does not imply that either was WORSE, nor do all mothers in a similar situation share the same thoughts or feelings about it.

We need to accept, respect and honor those differences without question. We have all suffered being asked: "Why did you give away your child?" with a judgmental tone of "How COULD you?!" We cannot allow ourselves to ask those kinds of judgmental questions to one another.

We need not - and dare I say must not - ostracize those that do not fit neatly into a generalized stereotype of a mother who lost a child to adoption: a teenager forced by parents with no options, as those of us who were not teens need not feel extra shame or "shoulds" - as in "we should have known better" or been more able to resist the pressure. We are marginalized enough - let's not do it to one another!

We are all MOTHERS with no prefix! For me - a mother who lost my firstborn to adoption in 1968 - that includes not using an era defining and limiting designation prefix either.

-------------
* "Diversity" means more than just acknowledging and/or tolerating difference. Diversity is a set of conscious practices that involve:

- Practicing mutual respect for qualities and experiences that are different from our own.

- Understanding that diversity includes not only ways of being but also ways of knowing;

- Recognizing that personal, cultural and institutionalized discrimination creates and sustains privileges for some while creating and sustaining disadvantages for others;

- Building alliances across differences so that we can work together to eradicate all forms of discrimination.

Diversity includes, therefore, knowing how to relate to those qualities and conditions that are different from our own and outside the groups to which we belong, yet are present in other individuals and groups. These include but are not limited to age, ethnicity, class, gender, physical abilities/qualities, race, sexual orientation, as well as religious status, gender expression, educational background, geographical location, income, marital status, parental status, and work experiences. Finally, we acknowledge that categories of difference are not always fixed but also can be fluid, we respect individual rights to self-identification, and we recognize that no one culture is intrinsically superior to another.

Wishing you ALL the best POSSIBLE Mothers' Day - or the least miserable one!