Friday, August 16, 2013

Adopter Entitlement: The Bold New World is HERE

The late, great Annette Baran often used the phrase "child-centered adoption."  It seems that the concept (or was it always just a pie-in-the sky dream, an ideal, a goal?) died with her.

We all know that the Brave New World of creating human beings is here, but along with it we also have a BOLD and BRAZEN new era of adopters entitlement!

Of course, adoption has operated at the behest of the adoptive parent(s) - the only paid client in the alleged "triad."  But the arrogance, self-centeredness and self-indulgence of these people has gone off the charts lately. There is no shame.  Just me, me, me. The Internet is littered with "my adoption journey" blogs depicting every step of infertility struggles and the trials and tribulations of "excruciating and embarrassing scrutiny" adopters must "endure"...the exorbitant amounts of money they spend, often on failed adoptions...and on and on and on.... with them at the center of the drama seeking public sympathy for every indignation they "have to" suffer to simply become parents, all the while of course, ignoring the fact that they could more easily, quickly and far less expensively adopt from foster care.

And, if all that's not bad enough, we are subjected to those seeking our sympathy when they give up on a child!  We are supposed to understand and support them in their "difficult" decision to bail on their commitment of "forever" and dump the child entrusted to them. We are supposed to be supportive of their right to SUE adoption agencies for making false promises to THEM while they break their promise to an innocent, at-risk child!

The Unrelenting Battle to Adopt Veronica Brown. 
This case violates all sanity. I cannot imagine arriving from another planet and hearing of these non-related strangers fighting for their "right" to a child who quite obviously has a loving, caring family!  Isn't adoption - this alien might ask - supposed to be to help orphans and children who are unwanted, abused or neglected?

And the center ring of today's adoption circus, ladies and gentlemen, kids of all ages...I give you Matthew and Melanie Capobianco, who held onto Veronica for nearly two years after knowing that her father wanted her and was doing everything in his power to stop them from adopting her. Now, they have the audacity to call the recent actions of Veronica's father, Dusten Brown, "kidnapping." ! ! !

After two years without allowing Veronica's father to visit, they now have the nerve to thumb their nose at Dusten's offer of visitation with this retort:
"Now that we were at the point where they knew the adoption would go through, they offered this as if they've been thoughtful and considerate to us all along." 
First, this sounds like kids in a schoolyard saying you hit me first. Secondly: Where is King Solomon when you need him? Does this statement not scream that they seem to believe this case is - or should be - all about THEIR best interest? Who are they thinking of here - Veronica or themselves?  Why do they presume that they deserve thoughtfulness or consideration in this matter at all?

But they are not alone. One of their supporters presents a classic case of the bold new era of adopters. Alicia Towler, bragging about "battling the tribe" for a child says: 
"Adoption has this unique dimension of connection — not only to your own family, but beyond, widening the scope of what constitutes love, family ties, and community. It is a larger embrace. By adopting, we stretch past our immediate circles and, by reaching out, find an unexpected sense of belonging with others."  
This woman's words could not be more ironic if she tried.  

Does she even hear herself?!  What about the "connections beyond" of the child??? What abut HER widening scope, love, family and community; her "larger embrace" her "belonging to others." ?

All meaningless. Only those of the adopter count.

The TRIBE that is this child's extended family fighting for her; her connections, her family, her roots, and her heritage.... are all exactly what these people are proudly bragging about fighting to TAKE HER from. Do they really have no inkling of that? Are they THAT blinded by their LUST for a child; their own neediness and desires?

Alicia ends by saying how blessed she and hubby were to have been "victorious" in their battle over the tribe.  Yes, it's all about WINNING the PRIZE!  It's all about THEM!
This is the tone of adoption today!  

There is no shame in fighting loving mothers, caring fathers, bereft extended family...whatever it takes to get what you paid for and feel you somehow DESERVE. And the public awards them with support and accolades for their "altruism." And our US government rewards them with tax credits!

This new bold breed of child snatchers not only wants to be patted on the back for paying for and fighting to take what they covet, but they also want our sympathy and pity!

Alice Hubbell writes about "Healing After Adoption."
We had been through the infertility roller-coaster and were still trying to recover from that when we got the call that we were going to be parents...
As a social worker I struggled with feelings I was not prepared for. Both my husband and I realized we needed to open our hearts and heal after our adoption.... As an adoptive parent, it took time for me to feel connected completely to this little baby and feel like he was really my son.... It took patience with myself to realize I also was grieving the loss of carrying my son in my own womb. I needed to allow myself to grieve and find peace... 
She realized "she" was grieving...but as an adopter and social worker she never gives one thought to the loss and grieving her baby is experiencing. No, again, it is all about HER feelings and how we, the public, should feel sorry for the loss she suffered and even adoption did not instantly heal.

This next example is second hand. It comes from Adoptionmania where it is copied from an online conversation elsewhere on the web. It goes like this:

 @gsmwc02 @anditweetsalot @shanellelittle @mrsrenkert actually; there are mental health criteria one must pass to b an adoptive parent

@WeMonetize: And what in your mind would deem them “mentally competent” to parent? And how does an evaluation ensure that?

: Do you just think agencies should place kids to whoever knocks on their door and asks for one?

Greg: No, don’t think I ever said that. But you also don’t want to discourage good candidates.

Courtney: If they’re good candidates they won’t have an issue being evaluated

GregAgain you have children and are clueless on the mentality of an infertile considering adoption.

Courtney: to be perfectly frank; I’m less concerned with adults fellings than I am with children’s welfare.

Greg: Less? I don’t think you do at all. You live in that bubble where no one else’s POV matters.

Courtney: read it again. I am LESS concerned about adults feelings than a child’s welfare.

Greg: Don’t have to read it again. You’ve made it clear you don’t care about pain or grief of infertility. We just need to suck it up.

Courtney: what do you think the adoption industry needs to do to accommodate infertility grief?

Greg: Recognize and support that grief. Don’t outcast the childless and look down on them as you. It’s an extreme hurt.

Courtney: I’m not understanding how the infertile are outcast in the adoption industry; I actually would say quite the opposite

Greg: It’s a society issue. Adoption community can help demand of adoption by not contributing to outcasting infertiles as u are.

Courtney: I am not outcasting infertile people; I don’t know where you get that from. I just don’t put their needs ahead of kids needs

Courtney: in what tangible way do you want support? This is what I’m not understanding.

Greg: Recognition of loss and not try to tell them they should just adopt a child in need.

7rin at Adoptionmania calls Greg and others like him "Poor Entitled Infertile (PIE for ease)." I call them Pathetic, Pity-Seeking Arrogant Child Snatchers. 

I am only surprised that Greg did not pull the infamous ace in the hole comment here that fertile folk who are able to reproduce don't have to jump through the hoops those seeking to adopt have to. This is the crux of much of the emboldened anger over in PIE-land. They refuse to recognize that adoption should at least maintain a semblance of a PRETENSE to be making the best choice for the child!  

But why should they recognize that when the entire process of American adoption practice revolves around them. It starts with their demand and serves to meet it. The entire adoption industry - every mega-billion dollar of it - is there to serve their every whim. What color, age, etc. do you desire? Here's a menu of options to serve you. Like customers seeking to purchase real estate, or a new vehicle, they are asked to consider how much they can afford to spend and how much time they can invest in waiting and are given lists of countries with prices and time factors to choose from.  

If there was ever a doubt in anyone's mind that children are simply a commodity in adoption - a product to be contracted for - it is evaporated now. Children are the product - with no rights allotted other citizens -- and their parents simply the disposable containers they arrive in.

Adopters like these EXPECT the public to both applaud and pity THEM, and, they call us bitter and angry! Damn right we are! 


*Peach* said...

"If there was ever a doubt in anyone's mind that children are simply a commodity in adoption - a product to be contracted for - it is evaporated now. Children are the product - with no rights allotted other citizens -- and their parents simply the disposable containers they arrive in."

So true...Veronica is just the highlighted example, but just think how many occur every day?

TruluWonderfulPeep said...

Sociopathic, arrogant narcissists, every one of the nutcases. There needs to be an outright uprising to stop this madness in this country...

Mirah Riben said...


Unfortunately, the public buys it hook, line a sinker. They get all the sympathy and kudos they seek! I've been at this for 40 years and see it just get WORSE.

amy said...

Marvelous post!! So true, but I'm hoping cases like Dusten's open a few eyes of the "adoption lovin' public!" Here is another case of a father/grandmother fighting an unethical adoption agency. I'm sure they could use some support and advice. They seem totally lost.

Mirah Riben said...


Why is it a closed group? I would suggest they check immediately into the putative father registry laws in the state in which the child was born, the state they and their son live in, and the state where the adoption is being attempted. Also, what agency is it? Who is the attorny for the adopters? I would also suggest they go very public with this immediately, before they are hit with any gag orders.

Amy said...

Hey Mirah. Here is a link to the news story: This is the adoption agency's fb page. Children's Friend in Rhode Island. I don't know the lawyers. I haven't spoken to the Grandmother, Doreen, personally yet. Should I tell her to make it an open group?

Thank you for your advice!!

Mirah Riben said...

Yes if she wants support! I wouldn't even make it it a group, just a FB PAGE. But she needs to check those putative father registry laws cause that is the adoption agencies only case against the baby's father asserting his rights. many states have these laws in place that the father has to have registered in advance of the birth - in other words, any time a man has sex! And if has not registered in advance they cna get him on that as not supporting her during the pregnancy, even if he didn't know she was pregnant!

Mirah Riben said...

And they can do it themselves and save attorney fees. Just google each state + "putative father registry" online.

amy said...

Thank you! I passed that info. onto the grandmother. She replied that RI does not have the putative father registry. Is there any other way I can help to get this case some attention?

As a mother of a 28 year old daughter lost to me through adoption as well as being the daughter of an adoptee, my stomach is in knots over these cases. I feel just as much for the fathers as I do for the mothers. This must end.

Thank you for your help!!

Mirah Riben said...



amy said...

I messaged you through fb, but it said it is going into your "other" folder. :)

I do apologize for hijacking your blog post!

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