Sunday, July 13, 2008

Adoption Dichotomies

There are perhaps more contradictions in the world of adoption than agreement amongst those whose lives are irrevocably changed by it.

ONE: Fundraising - by private parties and even churches - to help people pay ridiculously high adoption fees to obtain children through private adoption, thus supporting the often coercive and exploitive world of child trafficking...RATHER THAN fundraising to help support mothers in crisis keep their families intact.

This has become so widespread here are websites and articles that lists various to fundraise to support baby brokers: -

Agencies, of course, encourage this practice - beg and humiliate yourself, use your freidns and acquaintances to support your "need" to obtain a child at any cost:

This one specializes in one fundraising method:

And there there are the untold number of sites of private individuals and churches holding fundraisers:

Seems like an especially OBVIOUS irony that children are most often placed into adoption because of lack of financial ability on the part of their natural families...and yet these strangers who cannot afford to have one, get help!

TWO: Adoptive parents complaining about news reports that identify adopted chidlren as adopted children. This is very odd inasmuch as politicians, celebs and others who adopt often use the fact as a badge of their nobility and altruism.

I cannot count the number of blogs of people walking those who chose to read through the TRIALS and TRIBULATIONS of their "adoption journeys." Google "adoption journey and you will see THOUSANDS...this is just a very tiny sampling:

Readers are expected to offer sympathy every step of the way, starting with a long list of failed infertility treatments. TSK TSK what a shame they make you jump through all those hoops! Imagine, a home study to ensure you might actually be fit parents! How UNFAIR these blogs claim, that others can give birth without having to complete all these forms, etc.

If they go overseas, that's another entire adventure and full of tales of unfair delays, etc. etc. Kinda brings me to IRONY NUMBER...

THREE: Adopters can be angry when their adoption falls through, but how dare a natural mother be "an angry, bitter" person about actually and literally losing HER child!

FOUR: The myth that adoption is 'the same as giving birth' and nurture trumps nature. The so-called "forever mothers" who raise a child are the "real" mothers...that is of course until their child turns out to be difficult. They are then the first to cry "bad blood."

Then there other blogs - a smaller number - who also seek sympathy, but in in these it's for the fact that they ordered a and paid for a BMW and wound up with a lemon, or simply a Chevrolet.

Just yesterday I was speaking to someone about one of my books on adoption. A woman within hearing distance, butts in ad says, "Oh, you've written a book about adoption?" "Yes," I reply.

The woman then puffs out her chest ad very proudly announced: "I'm an adoptive mother" and then pointing to an 8-10 year-old red haired tyke next to her, she says: Domestic!" as if describing the type of automobile she had chosen, a domestic model over an import.

It seems clear to me that adoption is often analogous to the olf joke about husbands and wife and their division of responsibility for their children's behavior. "When he's good he's mine; when he's bad he's hers/his."

So it seems with adoption, that adoptive parents are allowed to point out their children's adoption status if it is thought to be to their advantage - a source of status for them...or if they want to separate themselves from a "bad seed." But others should not.

Why? Is adoption like "the N word" in that it's acceptable when a Black person uses it but not at all proper or acceptable for a white person to? If so, that makes the word adoption a dirty word.

In all of this, one can only wonder what sense of self the impressionable children growing up with these dichotomies are learning? What messages are being sent about them? That they are the proud "domestic" model their Mom obtained and is proud to show off? That the word adoption is good or bad? Something to be ashamed of? Something private like masturbation? No, that's a bad analogy because masturbation is natural and on does it to themselves - whereas adoption is unnatural and done TO children and their natural families.

Perhaps it's most like divorce. When an acquaintance announces they are newly divorced, the polite response is often to ask whether that is a good thing or not for them. New divorces are sometimes eager to get back into dating and will make it known immediately that they are in fact divorced. being divorced myself for more than a decade, I prefer to identify myself as a single woman rather than a divorce.

But again, that doesn't quite fit as it is I who get to make that choice. It is beyond my writing abilities to come up with any analogy for the oddity of adoption.

Be sure to see also: Gotcha Day! for the biggest irony of all.


pickettsghostdivision said...

Celebrity adoption, Identified Adoption, Open adoption, Domestic adoption, one child, too many companies. This leads to eventual consequences of despair. That what we read in the newspapers are the symtoms of unregulated adoption that I call, "Over-Corrective Feather Plucking Syndrome."

AdoptAuthor said...

Not sure what you're saying Ghost except DESPAIR and UNREGULATED ADOPTION.

THAT, I understand all to clearly!

David Archuletta said...

All the wrongful adoptions and horrific placements that have continued to grow in numbers, are the result of this barrage of these quick-fix solutions that defeat their purpose.

Here's another one for you, filed under "Adoptee Family Conundrum".

This quandry is really not that much of a conundrum, or a paradox as it is an ever growing battled social issue that I think is never to be resolved because big money wins either way. It is just my observation though, the question is,"Should a newborn child grow up in constant exposure to his/her real family, when in fact this adult has just spent the last eighteen years having done just that."

AdoptAuthor said...


Could you explain further?

david archuletta said...

Other than say this child is adopted. And the social issue about newborn adoptive parents wanting their child to know nothing about where they come from until the kid decides for himself. he can either be mad at his adoptive parents or grew up thinking just like them. if this explains it , i myself would say the "saying" would be pro adoptive parent. i am stuck in the middle ground on this subject. may i have work on my communication skills, or nobody thinks like me . i guess i'll find out. let me know

AdoptAuthor said...

You're saying that you're 18 and adopted, right?

Sorry to ask this, but you are not the second runner-up on America Idol, are you? I think he was younger.

You are stuck between believing that adoptive parents should be HONEST or not? Whether adoptees have a RIGHT to know the truth of their own identity?

david archuletta said...

I am 48 and my son was adopted without my knowledge [long story, but ever so true'] And no I am not him, i had to close my facebook acct. due to hundreds of friend requests from 16 year old girls, if only i had that kind of interest in my book, which reminds me. i say this not to sell a book ,but if you go to lulu you can read ten pages. david archuletta..i take it your an author too. i dont write like this gensrally but my meds work whern they want to, i have parkinsons disease. my fight is against nj and i push for bf rights as well as adoption reform in general . i do not mean to pat myself on the back but Rosie O'Donnells funded Children of the World adoption agency is out of business because of my investigations my evidence and my leg work, no help only adversity from ther state of nj, crooks all. i guess my analogys really came out of right field i gusess let me know david

david archuletta said...

I forgot to answer your question. yes i am stuck, the kid will eventually know any way, there is only about a 5 year gap from the age he should not be subjected to such minfo, so that is not that bad. unless like i said, the ad parents brainwash him, but that would make them bad people in the first place

AdoptAuthor said...


Thanks for clarifying! I am sorry for your loss. I am also sorry about your health and for making such bad assumptions.

I knew your name sounded familiar for another reason.

Your book is on our Origins-USA website:

I bow to you for taking down any adoption agency and doubly so for taking down ROSIE! She is not on my list of favs!

David, I'd like to chat with you more via private email.

AdoptAuthor said...


I forgot to add that yes, I am an author of two books on adoption.

So you're saying that your son will be 18 in 5 years...I am sorry to tell you this, but his aps are not required to tell him even if he's 80! Unless you mean that YOU will tell him!

david artchuletta said...

Thanks, my goal is to now expose the nj dyfs for negligence and conspircy that invovled a lawer also. this is a tall order, i have evidence but nobody wants to hear it. i also have to properly market my book. yeah we can talk my email how do we exchange email adresses. on this site? or some other way, i dont know anything about computer etiqutte or safey

david archuletta said...

my son will be 7 in october. i would tell him if i could only when he was about to become a teen ager, yeah we can talk by email

RussiaToday Apr 29, 2010 on Russian Adoption Freeze

Russi Today: America television Interview 4/16/10 Regarding the Return of Artyem, 7, to Russia alone

RT: Russia-America TV Interview 3/10

Korean Birthmothers Protest to End Adoption

Motherhood, Adoption, Surrender, & Loss

Who Am I?

Bitter Winds

Adoption and Truth Video

Adoption Truth

Birthparents Never Forget