REVISED: 12/20 6:56 pm
Adoption Can be Selfish [Duh!] admits a guest blogging adoptive parent, identified as "Kathy" at Rage Against the Minivan.
"Adoption is not an unselfish act," she says. OK, no argument there. Kathy continues:
We didn't choose adoption because we wanted to help a child or save him/her from a terrible life. We chose it because it was the only way to grow our family.Also, OK... Kathy even adds: "Adopting our son was one of the most SELFISH things I’ve ever chosen to do."
And she's not alone. The comments applaud her!
- "So much yes."
- "Yes and Amen. I could have written this post."
- "Yes!!!! Thank you!!"
It cost huge amounts of money, and five years later we are still dealing with the financial aftermath. We did it because it is what we wanted - not to be noble or selfless or save a child - but because the thing we wanted most was to be parents, and this was how it had to be done.
If you offered me the chance to do anything else – travel the world, buy a brand new car– and told me it would cost as much as we spent on an adoption, I would tell you no because it would be too expensive, no amount of money was too much to bring our son home and into our family.Such unabashed WHINING or, is it bragging?!
Who had a gun to her head? Kathy - like every adopter - had the option to adopt from foster care and save herself all of this expense. But she CHOSE not to, and CHOSE to pay the fees she paid.
With all her talk about selfishness, Kathy - and the vast majority of adopters - see it only in terms of themselves and miss the most selfish aspects of adoption:
- that every person who pays the outrageous fees increases the demand and thus increases baby brokering and child trafficking to meet the demand
- that a good portion of the dollars they pay go to bribes and unscrupulous baby brokers and child traffickers
- that the same amount of money could be far better spent supporting charities that help FAMILIES in crisis and impoverished villages throughout the world by building schools, digging wells and helping to provide medical care and supplies....
Worse still, she writes with total lack of thought, posts all of this in public where her child(ren), when they are old enough, can read it. Kathy displays utter, selfish disregard for how any adoptee reading it might be made to feel? The GRATITUDE! The indebtedness for the huge investment...the expectations they must live up to to warrant such an expense!
Most of all...what about her adopted child? If she writes this because this is how she feels, I don't doubt for one minute Kathy is not projecting it, AND saying it within earshot of her adopted child(ren)!
And here's the kicker! The blog which posted this guest blog post - without comment is Kristen, mom of four children "within four years via birth and adoption." But, hold onto your hats. Kristen
is not JUST a mom and a blogger (whose credits include Huffington post)...she also describes herself as.... get this: A Marriage and Family Therapist!
And yet despite her education, her training and a certificate hanging on her wall... she posted Kathy's "all about me, me, me" essay without any without a one word of her own as a preface, a footnote or any commentary whatsoever.
Does family therapist, Kristen care how this blogpost - posted on HER blog - sounds to adoptees? Is she unaware of all the jokes about Jewish and Catholic guilt from mothers who complain: "Oy, you should only know the pain I suffered to deliver you! Twelve hours in labor!"
In this case money is the guilt-inducer. We could have had a new car or a vacation but instead we CHOSE YOU...because we love you so much! (Now be grateful!)
No adopted child chooses to be taken form his family, his roots, his heritage. Kathy chose to do that TO him because SHE - selfishly - wanted to and has now let him know that loud and clear.
Kathy is far from alone, as the responses to her post indicate... and, as one can read every day on adoptive parent blogs.
Why is it, I ponder, that SO MANY who adopt need to seek public attention and play victim?
Why do they seek sympathy for their infertility, sympathy for their infertility treatments (and the cost), sympathy for the "imposition" of a home study and the "scrutiny" that they alone must endure and natural parents do not have to go through, sympathy if a planned
Why does the blogosphere just explode with so much adoptive arrogance, pomposity, entitlement and need to play victim all at the same time?? Even when they CHOOSE to terminate an adoption and DUMP their kid, they write about what a difficult choice that was FOR THEM, and expect - and get - SYMPATHY and understanding for doing the unthinkable to a vulnerable child they committed to caring for ! Outrageous!
Is it a deep-seated RESENTMENT in paying these fees to adopt that gives them the haughtiness, the air of superiority that leads some to sue for wrongful adoption or return "goods" they find "unsatisfactory"? Or to just whine, bitch, moan and complain about the cost.
As a mother who lost a child to adoption I find it all quite disgusting, in very poor taste and THOUGHTLESS for the feelings of anyone but herself. Thoughtless to how her words might hurt the very child she selfishly took from his family and culture.
Adopters like this need to look in the mirror and see and hear what they sound like.
We were the ones victimized by adoption. We LOST in the alleged win-win process. Adopters use their money to grab our kids. They won and yet it is THEY who play victim and call us bitter. How ironic is that?
You may seek my sympathy but you get my revulsion. My pity is for your adopted child or children, subjected to being raised by a total narcissist.
And shame on Family Therapist, Kristen, for posting it without any comment whatsoever! In doing so her total agreement is implied.