Friday, March 22, 2013

Reunification of Adoption-Separated Persons

When the media has asked me about reunion outcomes I always tell them that just like all other interpersonal relationships, they run the gamut from great to awful and everything in between and many - as we all know - can go back and forth and back again.  Parent and adult child relationships are difficult as is, but add the baggage of feelings of rejection, guilt, feelings of betrayal, loss, shock, anger, feelings of abandonment....and you've got a powder-keg waiting to explode.

When adoptees or parents who have relinquished ask me about reunion I have often said: Expect nothing except to find the truth. Whatever you find, good, bad or indifferent will be your truth.  I also usually remind searchers that they are proceeding at their pace in their time and readiness, but the person they are finding and seeking to enter into a reunion with is totally unprepared and caught off-guard. They often need time to readjust to this new reality.

Recently, a Facebook conversation led to another point of view.  The views expressed by "Buck Wheat" as she is known online, were so thoughtful and insightful, so  important to share that I asked her to write a guest blog post. 

I hope it opens a healthy and helpful discussion.

Here it is:

Reunion and Expectations
by CV

I hear both moms and adoptees say to enter into reunion with no expectations. I believe this is misguided advice. I also believe it is impossible. I cannot count the number of times I have read or heard adoptees and moms say I had no expectations but it isn’t long before I hear them say what they found wasn’t what they expected! Remember, you are entering into reunion because YOU believe you are ready. Expect that there may never be the perfect time for those you find and they may not be ready.

From my experience and research, here is what I believe we can reasonably expect.

We can expect to find a wounded soul. I know it seems obvious but it’s important to remember because we need to be kind, gentle, and compassionate with the trauma survivor. We can expect that there may be some sort of self-medicating for the pain. Be it drugs (prescription or illicit), alcohol, workaholics, or food. It’s natural for humans to self-medicate and we should not condemn or judge them for it.

We can expect that our “other” (I use the term ‘other’ when referring to adoptees or moms. It is for brevity and not intended to diminish anyone) may not be able to face their pain thus unable to acknowledge ours. It isn’t their fault! People are ready to face it at their own pace and we must respect that. Setting an example of facing our own is all we can really do. Tell anyone who isn’t ready that they might have ‘adoption issues’ and you’ll likely be met with rage. Haven’t we all seen someone scream ‘I’m NOT angry’ complete with the red face, vein pulsing in their forehead after you ask them why they are so angry? It is easy to believe they are being self absorbed, don’t care how we are affected, flawed for not being strong enough to see their own let alone our pain but it is simply fear. There is no value, comfort or healing in taking it personally because it isn’t.

We can expect that people don’t understand the difference between feelings, beliefs, and the truth. This certainly isn’t isolated to adoptoworld. Understanding the differences is critical! By far, this is the most important thing I’ve learned in my journey. It made the difference of feeling crushing pain and despair to understanding and compassion.  Feelings and beliefs fluctuate. The truth is constant. Feelings are happy, sad, angry, shame, etc. Feelings are never wrong, they just are. We need to honor, and validate them. Beliefs are a different matter and it is healthy to question them, it isn’t disrespectful. I find myself explaining these differences most often when talking with moms and adoptees about rejection and abandonment. I am very careful to challenge beliefs, not feelings. I challenge those that say ‘I feel rejected. I feel abandoned’. I do that because those aren’t feelings, they are beliefs! I strongly believe that there is no rejection of people in reunion – ever. It is a rejection of the pain, not us.

We can expect that trauma victims may not know what the truth is. Just because our other says something doesn’t make it true. You will be told their beliefs but they could be false and can’t be assumed the truth. This is counter-intuitive, I know. The brainwashing by society and the adoption industry affects us all at some time to some degree. I lied to myself and lived in denial to survive. The fog is very powerful. It wasn’t long ago that I would’ve said I had a choice, that I had no regrets. Those were my false beliefs and not the truth. As with everything with adoption, you can’t take anything at face value and must look deeper.  Does anyone out of the fog really believe the adoptee that says adoption had no affect on me? Do we believe the rape victim that says it was her fault?

We can expect that we, or our other, may unconsciously sabotage our reunion. This can happen when we believe inherently (often unconsciously) that somehow we are unlovable, that we don’t deserve good things in our life, we can’t trust anyone. How can one not have a seed of the belief of being unlovable when the one who was supposed to love them the most left them? Moms tell themselves they are unlovable because what kind of person gets themselves in a position to lose a child to adoption? We may believe we aren’t worthy of a relationship, that they are better off without us. Our misguided belief of ‘rejection’ may terrify us and give us any reason to ditch our other. A get them before they get me defense mechanism. What can be most confusing is that a pullback can come when reunions are going well. It’s the realization of all that we’ve lost and will never get back that can cause some to put the brakes on. Again, it’s the pain being rejected, not the person.

We can expect that reunion will bring grief to the surface. I didn’t start to grieve the loss of my son until after we met face to face. Grief can cause us to lash out at our other or anyone else. It is akin to having psychological sunburn. Things that would not normally hurt, the slightest touch can cause an extreme pain reaction. The grief can seem never ending. I found making a list helped. Putting it down on paper stopped it from being free-floating. It allowed me to give it the respect and acknowledgement it deserved. I don’t hold back the tears anymore. I hope that one day I’ll discover I don’t need to add to the list anymore.

We can expect that social graces we give and receive from those close to us may not apply in adoptoworld. For example, a friend would return your call or email in a day or two. We need to understand that our other may need time to process, may have an uncontrollable urge to prove that you aren’t that important. You see, we convince ourselves that it hurts less when we diminish the value and importance of our other. Another false belief because trying to ignore our pain certainly doesn’t make it go away. We’d all be pain free if that actually worked!

We can expect that if setting healthy boundaries is hard for us it will be exponentially more difficult with our other. We all have the right to be treated with respect and dignity. It is natural for adoption to cause ‘nuclear’ rage and it could be directed to our other instead of the adoption industry where it belongs. It isn’t fair or right but understandable. Moms need to have compassion and patience for their kids that vehemently exclaim that we had a choice; there wasn’t a gun to your head. Expect that the miniscule exception to the rule, the ‘dumpster babies’, women who just don’t want to parent, abortion will be referenced.

We can expect regression. Moms will often regress to the age when they lost their child. I’ve seen my son regress to the contemptuous teenager, raging toddler and then to the kind, contemplative adult in mere moments. I couldn’t believe the youthful energy I had upon reunion. The downside was that some of the immature attitudes came through as well. The world was once again black and white and not the spectrum of gray that comes with experience and maturity. This wasn’t constant but my younger ‘inner child’ would come through when triggered.  I’m grateful I was able to recognize that when my son said he never wanted to see or speak to me again it was his inner child coming through. If I took him at his word, face value, I would have left him alone and it could’ve been decades before we reconnected again, if ever. I followed the advice of a wise adoptee and continued to send my notes of loving and missing you every month or so. After over a year of silence, he has responded. I know there will be mountains and valleys on our path but I will never give up hope!

We can expect that we can’t travel this journey alone. We need the support and compassion of those that are on the same journey and those that have travelled before us. It takes work to know something intellectually and to know it in our bones. I believe it is our responsibility to face our own pain. I believe we have a duty to learn about our other’s experience and pain, too. Above all, we cannot judge and condemn them for not facing their pain or healing on our schedule. We need to accept where they are. We can only change ourselves.

We can expect that our capacity for love, compassion, and empathy can carry us through. “Perfect maturity is when a person hurts you, and you try to understand their situation and don’t hurt them back. – unknown”


Anonymous said...

Thank You so much for this wonderful post. I'm going through a very difficult reunion and at times I feel like giving up. Sometimes I feel like I can't go on any longer. The wise advise in this article has give me clarity and hope.

Becky said...

Thank you, Buck Wheat, for this beautifully written summary of our life experiences. It never ceases to amaze me the similarity in our stories and always helps to know one is not alone.

Lorraine Dusky said...

Great post, Buck Wheat. I hope lots of people going into reunion read this.

nadese said...

Great writing. proud of you. I want to add that if i had to wait a minute longer to reunion with my dear loved one i think i would die. And while this was the first i realized that everything the agency told me about the adoption was a lie. that my love expected me to be a mom, to fulfill the things they missed and yet they were an adult. i had to search deep to think of nurturing verse while respecting our ages. I was not prepared for how different it was than what i was told. I did tell my love about the taking and i was not believed. I think because there is pain in adoption and to have to "hear" any more pain is too much to ask.. so we just take it a day, week, month at a step. Do i wish it could be different? of course, but since the damage is done, we must carry on the best we can. Don't let the bad reunion stories scare you. just as noone should give up on you, you should put the best construction on your loves too.

Anonymous said...

I so very much needed to read this tonight. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us, Buck Wheat.

Barbara said...

Wonderful insight in this post on reunion. As a reunited adoptee who had a joyful reunion experience with my birth mother and her family, as well as with my birth father and his family, I realize just how blessed I have been and how different my reunions could have been. Even when all are delighted to reunite (including 4 parents as all mine were) it is a shock to the birth parents initially and does take some adjustment. I gained six married half siblings with children whose greatest gift is being a strong family for my children. It sure could have been very different. Thanks for sharing great perspective.

Mirah Riben said...


It is a shock to whomever is found. Sometimes it is the birthparent who initiates the search and contact and the adoptee who is shocked!

Anonymous said...

This is a great post. I wish I'd had it when I started on the journey.

cammie dazz said...

Hello I am new to the form. my name is cammie, just wanted to say
I appreciate you sharing your insight and experiences of your reunion. I have not been on a form since 2006.

cammie dazz said...

Hello I am new to the form. my name is cammie, just wanted to say
I appreciate you sharing your insight and experiences of your reunion. I have not been on a form since 2006.

Laurie M said...

Thank you for this. Wish this wise advice had been available in the early 80's. Such gentleness with our hearts needs to always be practiced. As an adoptee who lost my parents then longed for info on my birth mom only to be rejected I felt responsible for causing pain. It's as if I was "discarded junk" a constant struggle even today. Through prayer I know God doesn't make junk and even though I don't know where I came from, I know where I'm going. Wishing for peace, gratitude and closure for my birth mom.

Shar Valerious said...

There is no such thing as rejection of people in reunion. It is rejection of the pain. It isn't personal at all. Please read The Girls Who Went Away. Your mother is traumatized. It isn't your fault. You are loveable and always have been. Please don't give up. We can break through and find some healing. I found tremendous help at

Mirah Riben said...

Shar - Most all behavior comes from one of two places: love or fear. It is not so much rejection of pain, i think, as putting up a self-protective wall because of the FEAR of possible pain or being rejected again.

The major impediment to reunion is adoptee FEAR of hurting their aps.

Nancy said...

I am so glad I found this page. I have been searching for answers regarding my wayward reunion and this has given me great insight.

Mirah Riben said...

Nancy - You can also find post-reunion help on Facebook. There are groups for birth, first, original mothers and for adoptees.

Shula B said...

Wonderful and Beautiful. Thank you!

Just a quick thought for those who encounter the "obviously" angry person who says "I am NOT angry!" I think I have said this very thing with the very same appearance countless times. :-) I'm not sure for everyone else, but what I mean when saying this is I really am not angry... I am terribly and deeply hurt, in a lot of pain, and I feel helpless to do anything about it. To anyone who encounters this statement, try tacking on the rest of the sentence. It might make more sense and open a dialogue that could be life changing. :-)

Ladybug said...

Thank you for your insight and wisdom!
I could write a book on my own experience of being an adoptee as well as my recent experience with a reunion and most recent rejection.
I am 54, have searched for my birth mother most of my adult life. I finally found her August 2015 due to dna test and tracing the family down! As if finding her wasn't one of the happiest moments of my life, but to also discover that my mother and entire maternal family had always wanted me, always kept me in their thoughts and prayers their whole life.
My mother had me until the age of 2.5, she placed me in voluntary foster care after she had married an abusive alcoholic and was pregnant with his child. (My heart broke for her)
Her and the rest of the family always longed for the day of being reunited with me.
She insisted on getting a dna test as well, to prove that I was her daughter. (Although hurt and anxious, I remained very patient )
Dna was the proof that she needed and it was a positive match!
So we proceeded with our first reunion the week after this past Christmas. She insisted that my husband and I stay with her, which was most definitely ok with us. It was a fairy tale dream come true and the whole week was more than I could've ever prayed or hoped for!
She arranged for the whole family to spend a day together, which was overwhelmingly and wonderfully accepted by us all!!!
There was so much sharing, caring, conversation and most of all the most warming unconditional love, I was home and it felt like home!!!
Then till now....rejection!!!!
It has been almost 2 months with phone calls and texts being ignored from my mother, half sister, aunt, cousin. Everyone that I had communication with prior, have all shut down.
Needless to say, emotional roller coaster and blaming myself is an understatement.
I am an extremely strong person but this has me spiraling down every day and I don't know what to do or how to fix it.
I am also a very loving, compassionate, forgiving person. I am more than willing to allow and give her whatever space she needs or if she has decided that this is too much to handle, I'm ok with that as well. If only she would tell me. Her "fade out" and silence has only left me heart broken and my mind to wonder.
In my 25+ years of searching I was always open and ready for the possibility of her not wanting to have contact with me. I never had any hard feelings or hate towards her. I just needed to know who and where my family was and where I came from.
I have been through so much pain and bad things in my life, her actions of acceptance and rejection has left me so heart broken and more pain than I have ever felt.

Mirah Riben said...


I am so sorry! That would devastate and confuse anyone!

I am sure it's no consolation but, I will say it anyhow:

1. At least you know who she is and they are and got to meet them all.

2. It is not uncommon, though I don't know I have ever heard of it happening so suddenly and without any word.

Again, I am sorry. Are there nay adoption support groups in your area? If not, look for support online. Facebook hs many adoption-related groups.

Anonymous said...

My adopted daughter just found me and now I don't know what to say or do! I use to party, drinking, smoking about 38 years ago, met this guy got pregnant, he rejected me in the end said the relationship wasn't working, at the time he didn't know or I that I was pregnant! Being rejected made me want to party more and didn't want the baby I was carrying so I tried to have a miscarriage, I was really messed up then, then after having her, a C-section and we both were in bad shape, but later in life would have some medical issues, I had told the Hospital that I wanted to give her up for adoption, but returned thinking I would keep her, but then left her at the hospital to be adopted!I finally, stopped all the partying drinking etc., and regretted it very much, have gotten forgiveness from God, not from her, but I can't stop my self from thinking Ihat I am the most evil person in the world, someone said God has forgiven you but you haven't forgiven yourself, which is true! Now, I got FR from her on Facebook and message invite and I am at loss of what to do or say and don't feel worthy anyway! Don't feel worthy of seeing her or her to like me! Plus, I am ashamed to talk about my actions back then, I am 62 years old now! Please someone help!

Mirah Riben said...

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! There is an entire generation of women who did what you did and new ones every day!!! I am so sorry you suffered alone all these years. There are support groups of mothers who lost children to adoption. Check it out on FB. In particular there is Concerned United Birthparents. Please find them or find ME, Mirah Riben, on FB for support!! I pray you will reply to your daughter's request. It's th best way you can redeem yourself!! Especially since she wants to meet you. She may NEED you. Be prepared for anything. She may have had a wonderful life and just wants to thank or may just want or NEED medical history and you OWE her that!! She may also have had a HORRID life. Be prepared for anything, but do answer her call for you. Do not HURT her with the rejection you felt that caused you to lose her in the first place. Adopted are fragile and it takes guts to reach out to you. Do not reject her!! That would be a terrible unforgivable sin. Adoptees feel a basic sense of rejection from having been given away. Do not add more rejection! Tell her the truth and tell her who her father is if you know his name. If not, help get get DNA testing to find out. It is important for health history that she knows and it is also her RIGHT to know both of you. She will understand the truth. We ALL have made bad choices. An entire population used drugs in the 60s, even presidents.

Anonymous said...

I did answer back and told her thank for the Friend request, that I don't blame her if she hates me, as the papers she is given has what happened anyway, a record is kept, I actually told the Hospital the whole story, including trying to have a miscarriage! That is when she sent me a message invitation! I thought maybe she should write back after that, don't want to push it!! I don't have her medical records, probably she has them!

Anonymous said...

I did send har a message saying thanks for the friend request and that I wouldn't blame her if she didn't want to speak to me and Glad that she is found, her sister found her! I don't have her medical records I didn't take them! Her adoptd parents have them, I presume, but now she has her adoption papers so I am sure she knows what happened! I though since I did send her a short message that I should wait for her to open up the conversation, as I am not anxious to tell the story, I think she should send some kind of word besides messesenger invitation!

Mirah Riben said...

Good! She would NOT have access to your hospital records as HIPAA Laws prevent that. And it depend son what state she was born in whether she has ANY records whatsoever - even her original birth certificate. They are sealed in pst states.

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