Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Why Giving a Child Up for Adoption Would Be Wrong for Me, back in April 2010, ran "Why Giving a Child Up for Adoption Would Be Wrong for Me" by Alex DiBranco who has worked for the Nation, Political Research Associates, and the Center for American Progress.

Today this comment was posted to the site:
I am 19 years old and am 4 months pregnant, and am expecting to carry my baby to term and give it to the adoptive parents i have hand chosen. I have had 2 abortions before, and i couldnt imagine doing it again. I think carrying the baby to term and giving it to someone who cant have a child and would be able to provide for it the life i wouldnt be able to is the right decision, but it wasnt an easy one. i have been going back and forth my whole pregnancy, and still am a little scared i will forever regret my decision, but after much strenuous thought it seems like the right thing for me to do for my baby. I am not ready, and will not subject an innocent child to my mistakes that i will continue to make in my young, inexperienced life. i grew up with a young mom and i feel like, at 19, she has finally grown up to be a proper mother figure.
After multiple frustrating attempts to reply - even opening another ISP - in desperation, I am posting my reply here in the hope it may help someone. Please feel free to bookmark a link to this page or copy and paste the entire reply:

You sound quite mature, bright and articulate. You are capable of "much strenuous thought."

I wonder if you have spoken to both women who have chosen to mother, starting at a young age (other than you won Mom), and to women who chose to relinquish a child for adoption?  bear in mind that 19 years ago, single parenthood was not as accepted as it is today and thus your mother had a hard time and experienced judgments and lack of services that you will not. She may be resentful of having had such a hard time of it. Today there are organizations and online networks dedicated specifically to helping young moms!

I wonder if you are aware of the lifelong, irresolveable grief eperienced by mother who lose children to adoption? And the post traumatic stress disorder common...and the fact that mothers who have placed a child for adoption experience higher rates of secondary infertility, and so you may be placing the only child you'll ever have? have you considered that possibility? can you live with it?

And I wonder, too, if you are aware of the added difficulties, confusion, hurt anger adoptees feel? Always wondering why they weren't kept? Those who grow up in open adoptions and witness their mothers mature further, marry, have other's very hard for them. if the adoption is closed (as many that start out open wind up) then they are left wondering who they look like etc. Adoptees are over-represented in special ed classes, prison and mental health facilities because it's an extra burden on growing up.

Are you aware of the number of adoption that begin open and then close? Some close because the mothers fins visitation too painful or simply too costly and difficult to manage. other close because the adoptive parents, for whatever reason they choose, simply violate the agreement. Open adoption contact agreements are not enforceable, though if you use a really agency, they may provide mediation if it begins to fall apart.

So, if you have considered all of this, please DO find a very reputable agency and do not simply deal directly with prospective parents.

DO NOT accept prospective adopters paying your expenses while you are pregnant! Let welfare provide you with housing and health insurance for you and your baby. That allows you five more months to be clear on your decsion without feeling obligate or pressured which is that happens when people accept medical or housing payments from those who want their child. Do not let any agency move you out of state where you loose all your support system. And do not allow your child to be placed out of state as it limits your opportunity to visit.  remember, as harsh as it sounds, the child you are carrying is a very sought-after commodity and people will LIE and befriend you for an opportunity to get your baby form you.

DO draw up a document specifying EXACTLY how much openness you want and they agree to: letters, photos, updates and in person visits at what intervals? Monthly? Annually? And have the document reviewed by an attorney or at the very least notarized. But remember that no matter what you do, you cannot hold them to it once you relinquish, because you will be all rights to your child and they become the legal parents, you become, legally, a stranger to your child.

DO NOT allow prospective adopters into the delivery room or immediately afterward!!  It will in no way harm your child or their ability to bond with one another, but what it will do is give you time to meet your son or daughter, hold your child, look into his eyes and make a really informed choice at that time...and if you chose to, say goodbye in privacy.

You and your baby deserve no less than this.

I wish you both the very best.  Remember, you will only be 19 for a very short time and the decsion you are about to make is FOREVER!! Nothing is constant but change. you WILL grow older and possibly marry. those who adopt your baby will also undergo changes in their lives. they may die or divorce and your child would wind up raised by a single parent anyhow! Adoptive parents are not perfect and some even abuse or send away the children they tried so hard to obtain....and you may never know.

If you want more information and resources where you can speak to people who have been through this, please contact me, or

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