Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Supreme Injusitices


As happy as I am about the Supreme Court decision regarding DOMA, I cannot feel celebratory in the wake of the S.C. gutting the 1965 Voting Rights Act and another very recent racist decision that favored White entitlement: http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2013/06/supreme-court-rules-against-indian.html. 

This decision is so overshadowed by news of DOMA that no one has heard of it, yet it is a monumental blow to the rights of Native American and the Child Welfare Act that protects their children.
I am supremely happy for the victory of gay rights and the one step forward, and do not want to rain an anyone’s parade, BUT… I am at the same time terribly dismayed at two recent - almost simultaneous - steps backward against equality and the rights of non-white Americans.
We are not free until all are free. We are not equal until all are equal.  I am sad, disappointed and a shamed to be an American when we can so easily stomp on the rights of peoples who have suffered such oppression.
Not to mention the fact that all adoptees are denied equality in terms of access to their own birth certificates – a human and civil rights denial in our own state – that is also ignored not just by the press, but by social justice activists as we focus all of our resources on one group. Read what NJ Senator Diane Allan has to say about this civil and human right issue here: : http://dissidentvoice.org/2013/06/the-last-and-least-recognized-americans-denied-equal-rights/  

Again, sorry to be a party pooper, but I just can’t dance in the streets with my gay friends while Texas took just two hours to limit voters rights, a child is torn from a loving father, and the rights of adoptees go totally ignored.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Baby Steps in Adoption Education!

The other day, I fell into a slump...feeling what's the sense of it all?

After nearly forty years of working to end the corruption, exploitation, coercion and profiting in adoption and seemed to just keeping worse instead of better. And there were such a precious few of us cared about anything beyond access for adult adoptees!

I’m a HUGE advocate for equal access, but there is so much MORE that needs to be done. And I was feeling hopeless, helpless, useless…

Then, today, in my doc’s waiting room I picked up a copy of a mag you only see in doctor’s waiting rooms. It’s called WebMD and has articles about the latest treatments advertised therein!

I never expected to turn a page and see an article on adoption and still have no idea what it was doing in a medical magazine…but there it was…I looked at the title with dread “What to expectwhen you’re thinking about adoption”

I could not believe my eyes when I read the opening paragraph:
"Adoption is created through loss," says Linda Hageman, executive director of adoption services at The Cradle, an Illinois adoption agency.
That's a statement you don't often see among the pretty pictures of giggling babies and happy families in adoption brochures. But it's true. The child loses his or her first parents. The birth parents face the loss of their child. And the adoptive parents often lose long-cherished dreams and expectations about having biological children.
An amazingly good start!   Unfortunately it went on to ONLY discuss the losses experienced by guess who? You got it…the only paying customer in the transaction!
Good advice is offered on dealing with feelings of loss of fertility, BUT…the idea that the child has also suffered a loss (never mind the original family) is never mentioned again in the short, one page article.
So it is far less than ideal… and it comes from The Cradle so is probably intended to give expectant moms warm fuzzy feelings about them as an agency that "gets it." (I have not gone mad and totally lost my objecgtivity, sense of reality, and even a bit of healthy cynicism)....but, just for today, I choose to take as a BABY STEP in the right direction! 
After all, ten years ago, even five…you would never see an opening line like that in print – or anywhere other than on FB or a blog!
So for today, I choose to see this as a positive step in the right direction and pat us all collectively on the back and say:  We Are Being Heard!!! We are being heard! We are being heard!
“Adoption is created through loss”
Nearly 40 years of saying this and it IS beginning to be heard and spreading to main stream media.

for tgoday I choose to be HOPEFUL.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Raising Awareness in the Struggle for Adoptee Rights

For quite some time I have written here and on FB comparing the adoption rights movement to the gay rights movement in an attempt to discover why they were so much more successful than we are; to learn and replicate strategies for success. I attributed our lack of progress, as compared to theirs, to fear and reluctance of adoptees to come forward in the huge numbers as gays do and say “We won’t take it anymore!” “We demand our rights restored.” I identified Stockholm Syndrome – fear of biting the hand that feeds them; fear of being rejected “again” - as a contributing factors that held adoptees back and made them often, if they did search, do so in secret or only after the death of their adoptive parents. And just search; maybe find out some facts and then close the box. Or, even if they have a reunion that is ongoing, few of those even join in the political activism to create changes for others. It’s kind of a “hooray for me” thing. I did what I needed to do to satisfy my curiosity and that’s that.

I was not wrong about any of that. But I had my eyes really opened recently. After 40 years of deep entrenchment in the adoption community; 40 years of adoption being the central focus of my life... I thought there was nothing really new or surprising. I write today to say I WAS WRONG.

I had my eyes opened to a large segment of the adoptee population I have hitherto only seen and heard tiny snippets from here and there and somehow in my mind had not recognized the enormity of this segment of the adoptee population: The Happy Adoptee!

Somehow, with one click of my mouse I found myself in a FB Adoption Reunion Stories group where it is commonplace and very much acceptable to use the term BIO and talk about “my bios” who, like stray dogs, had been found…given a pat on the head and…whatever. Some were allowed to remain for differing periods of time. When I suggested it was a hurtful word, I was accused of bashing them and their opinions.

For the first time I had real insight into the mindset of this population who desperately cling to their blindfolds and earplugs to ward off any aspect of adoption they judge as negative. Fingers firmly implanted in ears its lalala all the time! Sunshine and rainbows.

The adoptees I encountered needed to demean their “bios” in order to maintain their good adoptee status and not shatter the myths and lies they were told about “those people” and why they were placed. When you live in a house of cards built on a foundation of lies, stereotypes and misperceptions… one slight breath of fresh – true air - could destroy your whole world. The fear of shattering the illusion is enormous because it threatens their very identities and fragile egos; who they are. If I am not the me I have always known, who then am I? If all my life is a lie and not reality, what is real? Therefore, “they” and the life the adoptee might have had, must remain at arm’s length. Other. Separated by cold dispassionate language. Never a warm fuzzy term of endearment that is reserved for the protectors who rescued me from abandonment.

This of course is the happy female adoptee. The angry male adoptee is another manifestation of the same fears.

And unlike the closted gay alone in his shame, they form groups and feed off one another's right to steadfastly stay ensconced in their bliss.
I made the grave mistake of trying to explain that the phrase “adoption sucks” is both a personal reality for some adoptees as well as a commentary on the INDUSTRY and adoption PRACTICES which have nothing to do with, and does not negate the fact that any particular adoption – theirs or any other - or perhaps even that most adoptions are happy and loving.

I tried to tell them that things like denied access to their original birth certificate SUCK; that the corruption, coercion and exploitation of adoption including kidnapping and child trafficking SUCKS.

I was dismissed as a raving lunatic who was “bashing” them and their opinions, an unwelcome guest crashing their happy little party.

WHAT TO DO?

If we as activists are to get anywhere and move this movement forward we need to look at our role models and begin the educational process within. We need to all watch the stirring movie MILK and see how one man, Harvey Milk, stirred up the content and “accepting of the status quo” gay community of San Francisco and sowed the seeds of the gay rights movement by reaching his people and getting them angry and motivated enough to come out and speak out for their rights.  

In the 1970s, second wave feminism began with Consciousness Raising Groups designed to help complacent, happy housewives see their plight as oppressed women. If you are unaware of the difference in pay scale – that still exists – between the genders, you won’t write or call a legislator or sign a petition to change it. Until you know that there is a problem and what the problem is, you are not about to combat it!
If you don’t know that a man speaking to you as trash is abuse, you stay and take it. When abused women are asked why they stayed as long as she did, the answer is always the same. At first they hoped it would change and then they stayed because the fear of leaving was greater than staying and enduring the abuse. And think about the language used by domestic abusers: “Where will you go?” “No one else will ever love you or want you.”  For the adoptee the fear of hurting their rescuers is great. The fear of rejection and abandonment strikes deep into their foundation, the very life core of their being, and so is  well guarded.

This is where we are at and the challenge that faces us.  Until we awaken those who see no problem with their own lot in life, we will never have a viable and visible movement. We will instead remain as we are now viewed: a handful of malcontents. This is where we’ve been stuck for more than 40 years since Jean Paton first spoke out. A handful of bitter, unhappy, ungrateful adoptees and moms who the media and public can easily dismiss.

Until we get the masses among us to understand the issues of the laws that discriminate against them, we will never get the public to know, understand or care about it either. No one is interested in or needs to help people who see nothing wrong with their lives and are not seeking any help! It would be like “helping” an old lady across the street when she wanted to stay where she was or teaching a pig to fly.

We need to do internal education and consciousness raising.  The good news is that we can simultaneously educate within and without: adoptees and the public. But we need to put focus on education and awareness that there is a problem, before we can seek to change the problem. The average American, including the average adoptee has no clue, and worse still some don’t want to know.

We need a national organization focused on education. But let us not ignore that the 1970s consciousness raising groups were held in living rooms. Our search and support groups – in person and online – have a captive audience who along with search and reunion help need to have their eyes opened to the political issue here. We, who they come to for help, are in a posiiton to help them also see the bigger picture: that denied access is a violation of their civil and human rights as per the fourteenth amendment. They need help in developing some righteous indignation about the injustice, not just resolving their own personal search!
Those of us in search and reunion roles have the golden opportunity to begin that process by using the langauge of civil and human rights injustice when spekaing with those who seek our help. Bloggers who share their personal reunions likewise need to do likewise. Alll of us who are a part of the post adoption community play a role in awakening the sleeping, raising awareness, and stirring some righteous indignation.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Child Snatchers: Doing God’s Work?

Review of The Child Catchers: Rescue, Trafficking and the New Gospel of Adoption by Kathryn Joyce.  NY: PBS Public Affairs, 2013. Review by Mirah Riben.
Kathryn Joyce is a hard-hitting, award-winning investigative journalist. She became interested in adoption through her in-depth probe of the Christian Quiverfull movement[1] Christian women bearing as many babies as humanly possible, many of whom now feel called or “commanded” by God and their pastors to add to their broods by adoption, some of which are akin to an unlicensed group homes often including children with special needs.
While Joyce was getting interested with the evangelic push for adoption, in May 2007, Evangelical Christians organizations such as Focus on the Family and pastors from across the nation were holding a three-day summit in Colorado to promote adoption. Among those present at this event was Tom Atwood, president of the National Council for Adoption, the largest lobbying organization of the adoption agency industry, with major funding coming from The Church of Latter Day Saints, as was reported in Adoption and the Role of TheReligious Right (Countercurrent Nov. 4, 2007).
With no personal stake in adoption, Joyce (and Erin Siegal, author of Finding Fernanda and E.J. Graff) offer purely objective professionalism to the passionately polarizing positions and different points of view about adoption practices. On one side are adoptive and hopeful adoptive parents and the practitioners who earn their livelihoods meeting their demands, and now these churches and the agencies and programs they sponsor. On the other side is UNICEF which is mandated to uphold local laws, international treaties, and reduce corruption and exploitation, as well as NGOs such as SOS for Children, Against Child Trafficking (ACT), with no financial or personal incentive other than the best interest of the world’s children.
Oddly enough, both sides actually have the same goal: to provide care for the worlds’ children in need. But the former believe this objective to mean “the end of orphans in the world” “via adoption first, second, and last”[2] meaning adoption by Christians in America and Europe.  The later believe the priority is family preservation first, domestic adoption second, and international placements last.
Whereas in the war on cancer, prevention and treatment co-exist, in adoption there is much demonization of those who seek prevention by those who seek to continue the flow of children for redistribution out of a misguided desire to help and also by those who have a financial stake in doing so.  As with the pharmaceutical, oil, and gun industries, there are mega-billion dollars at stake in adoption, and powerful lobbyists who work hand-in-hand with the movers and shakers of the evangelical adoption movement.
Some call the push for adoption by churches “from Methodist to charismatic Christian to parachurch groups to homeschoolers” misguided. Instead of seeing dwindling numbers of adoption placements as an indication of a healthy society that does not need to resort to stranger placements of its young, these missionaries and adoption industry practitioner’s with a financial incentive, call it an “adoption crisis” and claim adoption to be “under siege.” They “blame familiar scapegoats like UNICEF” and the Hague Convention calling them  “evil and anti-child.” At a Christian pro-adoption meeting at Saddlebrook Church in 2012, Joyce reports Chuck Johnson as identifying all who prefer to help families in crisis and reduce the tragedies that result in loss and separation of kin and culture as “forces that take great delight in the suffering of children.” This obscene, vitriolic rhetoric is intended to – and succeeds in – riling up the faithful to get out and keep snatching up babies and children for adoption.
Joyce cites instances of churches setting goals or quotas and pro-adoption church leadership ignoring or acting as if they are above the law.  They seem to see themselves as Freedom Fighters like those who committed civil disobedience to free slaves. The difference is that the slaves requesting them to help them escape. These are children that may or may not want to be taken from family or home lands.
In Child Catchers, Joyce provides an impeccably well-researched window into the world of Christian adoption. Joyce shines a light on the well-meaning who fail to accept – and those who serve them fail to care – ­ that they are too often taking children who have families and are unintentionally increasing an already over-burdened demand that in turn proliferates kidnappings and deceptive practices to fill orders. With their hearts filled with love, salvation and desire to aid those in need, they mistakenly believe that “tickets to America for a handful of children are an appropriate fix for an entire culture living in poverty.” Pumped up with religious fervor they are blinded to the fact that the tens of thousands spent to take each child could be put to far better use helping an entire village build a school, dig a well, purchase school books or buy medical supplies.
The book opens with a literally earth shaking event: the 2010 earthquake that devastated Haiti and the rush to adopt it engendered. Joyce focuses immediately on the infamous case of Laura Silsby’s band of bible-thumping pseudo missionaries from Idaho who were arrested trying to leave Haiti with 33 children and charged with kidnapping. Silsby and her Reverse Robinhoods felt justified and self-righteous, about taking from the poor to give to the rich, even building a resort in the Dominican Republic for adopters. A fit beginning to describe the zealousness that drives evangelicals to “save” children physically and spiritually.
In the end, many if not most churches dissociated themselves from Silsby after she was charged with kidnaping.  The adoption industry and adoption advocates put the incident, like all adoption horror stories, in a neat little box labeled anomalies and continue right along, business as usual simply moving from country ad they close adoptions in order to end the corruption. Not unlike claims that women cannot get pregnant from “legitimate” rape, Chuck Johnson at the Saddlebrook Church, argued that claims of fraud had been blown out of proportion, saying: “We have no indication of real, true corruption.”
But, Silsby was not the first nor was she the last to exploit a tragedy to obtain children to meet a demand, albeit in the name of doing good. The tsunami in Indonesia brought out the same baby seekers prior to the earthquake, as did the historic Vietnam Baby Lift operation. These “rescue” missions are reminiscent of an old folk tale about a Boy Scout trying to earn his merit badge: The scout spots an old lady standing at the corner as cars whiz by. He gallantly rushes to her side and assists her safely to the other side of the street. He feels quite proud of himself until she asks that he return her to where she came from and wanted to be. Ah, the roads to hell we pave.
The book is excellent and needed albeit with a title Joyce chose as a mid-ground between the saving and the snatching sides of adoption. “Catching” however suggests and implies something is dropping or falling; being thrown or tossed away.  In some instances adoption is analogous to the image of a fireman catching a child tossed in utter desperation out the window of a burning home.  But more often, it is a child snatching cloaked in pseudo-humanitarianism.  All too many adoptions involve running in and grabbing children from a simmering political or natural disaster firestorm. Instead of pouring water on these fires and attempting to save all the victims, as we would want done for us, children are grabbed leaving the rest behind in the same situation with the addition of a grievous lifelong loss. The age-old “women and children first” is disregarded. In fact, Joyce reports that Haitians were warned not to try to flee in the aftermath of the tragedy and their needs ignored as adoption took center stage in the aftermath mayhem in Haiti.
Tom Benz, an Alabama missionary who also attempted to hustle children surreptitiously out of Haiti on a wink and nod pretext of an English-language educational cultural exchange program all the while recruiting adoptive parents[3] said:, “every child that is adopted gets snatched out of horrible possibilities” [emphasis added]. Indeed, even those doing the snatching know it for what it is. Why not? The King James Version of the bible which  uses the word “pluck” in Job 24:9 has often been translated as states it as: "The wicked snatch a widow's child from her breast, taking the baby as security for a loan.”[4] Or: "Others snatch the orphan from the breast, and against the poor they take the pledge.”[5] Clearly, snatch – or even grab – is a better translation for “pluck” than “catch.” The book title, like the entire process, verbally annihilates the mother from whom the child was clearly “snatched.”

Joyce delineates clearly how the adoption industry enables – nay incites – religious do-gooders by reinventing the word “orphan” to include so-called “paper orphans” and “half-orphans”, i.e. children with a living parent in order to intentionally inflate numbers of orphans in need. Worldwide, 90% of children in orphanages targeted for international adoption have at least one parent as orphanages provide temporary care, food, education. These children often have large extended families and there is no intent for them to be given away permanently.
The only children “languishing” in orphanages, like the children in US foster care who could be adopted, have a disability or are older than those seeking to adopt are prepared to accept. Some are sibling groups. We often hear those who are pro-adoption bemoaning a “shortage of available” children for adoption, and in fact demand far outstrips the number of children that fit the popular criterion for adoption. Thus encouraging well-meaning congregants to add to the demand is counterproductive. Additionally, pushing people to adopt often causes them to take in children they are not equipped to handle and Joyce cites several cases of terminated adoptions which inflicts lifelong on vulnerable children.
The industry uses terms such as “parentless” all in an effort to create visions of children in need, isolated and all alone, as opposed to members of a community who all need assistance. Repeating phrases like “every child deserves a family” obliterates the reality that every child is born into a family – families intentionally kept invisible and silent. Often deceived, not told the truth, or hearing what they want to hear, would-be adopters identify with a photo that becomes of a child who they think of as “theirs” early on. When thwarted by efforts to slow down or halt the process in order to document a child’s orphan status, waiting adopters take their pleas to politicians to help them “reunify” and bring “their” child “home” to unrelated strangers in a strange land.
The media, as Joyce notes, describes children being snatched up in Haiti “as though they had no unique past, no personal history deeper than their evident need” or the tragedy that brought their existing plight to public attention. And yet is this not the plight of every adoptee?  They are as if just waiting in suspended time and space to be plucked from their cabbage patch by those who believe themselves to have been chosen by God to covet them as their own.
American adoption practice in fact deliberately and intentionally erases any and all past connectedness in order to provide the paying client a child with no strings attached who will know, love and be grateful to only their adopters and no other. Adoption destroys all ancestral and genetic ties; obliterates heritage and lineage which pro-adoptioinist Professor Elizabeth Bartholet[6] has called “over-rated” – easy to say when you know yours.  Adoption creates bundles of joy eagerly waiting to be taken like shiny cars in a showroom. Each cleverly devoid of familial attachment (linguistically and often aided by fraudulent documents), not unlike the way we dissociate young enemy soldiers in war, never thinking them of them as someone’s child.
As for adoption meeting the goals of evangelicals, it certainly succeeds in increasing the flock. Not by proselytizing or even conversion but by a process painted as adoption which in many cases verges on or crosses the line into abduction.
Obviously international adoption does nothing to reduce abortions. Domestically, the lives of the unborn could be saved and their mothers helped to raise them. The only reasons to do otherwise are: 1) judging unwed mothers as sinners and thus unfit; 2) to maintain an ample supply of newborns for adoption. Encouraging single mothers to relinquish children for adoption is the antithesis of the teachings of the birth of Christ to a woman who may or may not have been married at the time of conception, depending upon the translation of the word “betrothed” which most take to mean promised or engaged. “Adoption not abortion” slogans turn mothers into incubators, suggest that children who relinquished were unwanted, and hurt those adopted by creating an illusion that those adopted were more likely to have been aborted than any of us, even those born into intact families.
Believing God has preselected a child specifically for someone other than the parents God chose to birth them is preposterous and egotistical and implies God makes mistakes. Like all fundamental religious fanatics, those who use the bible and teaching of Christ to promote adoption are selective in bible quoting. They ignore or somehow misinterpret Matthew 1:27 which asks that we visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction” (or distress) and keep ourselvesunspotted from the world (avoiding false teachers and doctrines).” Some translations suggest that we are obligated to care for orphans. But nowhere, in any translation, does the bible say visit the fatherless and take them, covet them as your own. Viewing adoption as “God’s work” or “God’s plan” ignores the need to address and help eradicate the root causes of social and economic injustice and in fact proliferates the suffering by creating increased demand for adoption which triggers corrupt means of obtaining them.
The bible which begins with who begat whom indicating the importance of bloodlines, focuses on a pivotal adoption story, that of Moses, a text book case of a devoted, loving and capable mother - Jochobed - surrendering only in utter desperation when it was it the only way to save her son’s life. The bible names this woman and makes her struggles very real and poignant for a reason. The baby she sets adrift is not a nameless, unidentifiable, abandoned child floating on a raft needing to be saved. Even the child’s sister plays a role. Moses never forgets his roots but lives to be reunited in a way that was extraordinary for millions of people and forever changed world religious history. He was not converted, erasing the faith of his forefathers.Moses was raised to be familiar with his background as a Hebrew.[7]  But alas, we will not change people’s religious beliefs.
I highly recommend this book. The only thing that concerns me is that beyond the inner circle of the adoption reform community, it will be ignored as being specific to one peculiar niche of adoption. I fear that those considering adoption – and more so the general public – will not read it and even if they do will fail to see how much of the pro-adoption tactics impact all adoption, not just adoption by Christian evangelicals. The failure of the book to not make that crystal clear is for me the biggest loss. Buy the book. Read it. It will be a treasured addition to your adoption library.


[1] Quiverful: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement
 
[2] Rick Warren, pastor of Saddleback, one of the largest churches in America attended by twenty thousand weekly.
 
[3] When Benz plan failed in Haiti, he simply played the same façade in the Ukraine, proving it was never about rescuing children from an earthquake and ignoring the fact that the Ukraine was trying to reduce International adoptions and increase domestic placements for their children in need. This “Christian” man who openly lies about his true intentions not only has adopters paying high fees for adoption, he also has donors coughing up thousands for his temporary excursions in his alleged cultural exchange hoax. All dollars which could instead provide direct aid to impoverished nations.
[6] Joyce accurately identifies Bartholet as “one of the most polemic adoption advocates in the field.” With no claim of doing God’s work she is a zealot who speaks for those whose livelihood is heavily if not solely reliant on adoption.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

The "Not Good Enough" Legacy of Adoption on Mother's Day

At the height of our adolescence when we are struggling with self-awareness many adoptees and mothers who have lost children to adoption are struck a lifelong traumatizing blow.

For the adoptee who has been told they are adopted, adolescence and biology classes bring a new awareness of the flip side of having been chosen. Someone - the most important in our psyche - didn't want me, gave me away, rejected me. The result can be anger, depression, denial, addictions or a need to over-achieve and difficulty forming relationships.



For mothers, it is often around this time, or early 20s, that we are facing losing our children which all too often in the past was accomplished through dehumanizing us as sluts, an embarrassment to our families, and not fit to parent. Undeserving, even selfish to think about it. Today, the messages are subtler and put more of the onus on the mother allowing her to feel more in control by making decisions like to whom she hands her most precious child, so she may even greater regrets and less others to blame later on. Many mothers relinquishing today are also faced with out and out deception and feel betrayed, but that's another issue for another blog post.

We too suffer from all the above named, from anger to addiction, to deep depression, to lives of having to prove ourselves and surely difficulty with relationships.

For myself I see the lifelong scarring these negative messages has done as deep and powerful as the loss itself - a loss we weren't even allowed to grieve! A loss we were made to suffer in silence, acting as if nothing had happened which only worsened it's traumatic effects.

No matter what I accomplish in life, those voices of my not being good enough remain crystal clear. I can over shout them at times, ignore them, but they are always there, albeit on the back burners of my conscious mind.

Our adult lives are built on a foundation of UNWORTHINESS and SHAME because adoption is so surrounded with secrecy and unworthiness are shame are extremely TOXIC, traumatizing messages.  They are insidious and effect every aspect of our lives.

MOTHER'S DAY for me is a constant reminder of my failure as a mother of my firstborn, while for adoptees it holds it's own special painful reminder of the woman who didn't scale the tallest buildings to keep her.

As this dreaded weekend approaches, I wish all my peeps the best it can be. 

My wish for all of us is a toast of forgiveness. Forgive all of those who caused us pain. Forgive all who tear families apart. Hold them responsible for their actions, and keep healthy boundaries, but try to forgive to lighten your load.

And most of all forgive ourselves!!  No sappy cards or gifts. Just be kind to yourself and know that your E-N-O-U-G-H  just the way you are!!!

Affirm yourself. Empower yourself. Take back all that adoption has taken from us, emotionally. Our family tress are irreparably broken, but just as Katrina and Super Storm Sandy victims rebuilt lives, we too can work to rebuild our storm ravaged psyches. For most in New Orleans that did not mean ever coming back home. Their homes have never built rebuilt and never will be. Their pasts and everything they had totally destroyed, annihilated like and adoptees pasts, genealogy, lineage.  It meant starting over. And we must, too.

Know that you are no more responsible for having been given away than any child is responsible for any childhood abuse or neglect. Mothers, know that you did the best you possibly could with what you had at the time in terms of physical and psychological support as well as knowledge of what it all would mean down the line. Forgive yourself for not being a psychic and seeing the future, for, for many of us that would have meant fighting harder.

REJECT THE SHAME and RECLAIM YOURSELF as a wonderful human being.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

The Mother I Wish I Had

About a year and a half ago I moved to a "retirement" over 55 community. One of the treasures I met here is MY 95-YEAR-OLD FRIEND, Betty.


She told me today that she had a bad day the other day: Hard time thinking, which is very odd for this very sharp and active woman. She said she thought if this is the end, not so bad. She got ready for bed and put on her flannel nighty. Then on second thought, she took it off and put on her finest lingerie!

She said if they found her in bed in the morning, she wanted to look good! 

Ya' gotta love this woman!! I am so glad I have made her acquaintance. She is a font of marvelous stories and has a great spirit. A former school teacher and long time political activist, she collects clothing for the needy and went with me to a state assembly vote on gun control! 

My very own personal Betty White!

She is priceless! She stands 4' something, exercises 5 times a week and moves better than women young enough to be her daughters. I wish you could all see the sparkle in her eyes!  Her vision is her only problem and she doesn't let it slow her down. I am glad to drive her anywhere she needs to go, she is such a delight to be with!

She's the mother I wish I had and didn't!

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

OFF TOPIC: Tribute to a Dear Departed Friend

I was 17 or 18, waiting tables at the Cafe Wha and the Why Not on McDougal Street in the Village in 1962-3. Richie Havens was playing these basket houses. After the shows were over, we walked cross town to hang at his crib on Fourth between C and D where he played all night and his "brothers" Dino and Natgoa on the bongos.
"Success is not measured by the position one has reached in life, rather by the obstacles one overcomes while trying to succeed" Booker T. Washington

Richie started out with nothign and reached great heights.
That smoke-filled pad (think Willie Nelson's bus) overflowed with LOVE in its purest form. It radiated from Richie's enormously long hands on his guitar and shined out through his broken-toothed grin. His love for playing and singing was virally contagious!

We lost touch for decades, as friends do. I followed his career from afar in utter awe.

When we met again at a show at the State Theater in New Brunswick, NJ - in the late 80s early 90s? - it was like no time had passed at all. He greeted me with open arms noting that my teenaged son was the spitting image of me at his age!


This post is off my usual topoic of adoption but it is definately about family, because Richie was about the family of man. Back in that lower east side tenement, two little girl babies occasionally toddled about if we hung out into daylight hours.

I saw him again several times over the years after that as he generously performed at fundraisers throughout NJ.  I learned that he was a doting grandpa and living in NJ, albeit without Nan. Nan and I talked. He confirmed that it WAS him on the AmTrack commercials! I KNEW it! No one else could duplicate his voice. 

I am so very sorry that I was unable to be at his viewing in NY on Monday.  I eagerly await word of a memorial concert at Bethel Arts Center. I hope it comes to fruition. I will be there...and so will He. Ashes to ashes, on Yasgurs Farm once again.

He's jammin' with Janis and Jimi!

Rest in Peace. Thank you for leaving so much of yourself for the world. Listen to his music whenever you are doen and will lighten your day!

RussiaToday Apr 29, 2010 on Russian Adoption Freeze

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