As mention in my previous post about the movie Juno, it is about impermanence of relationships...and yet it is more than that.
I wondered over and over why the young character in the movie went ahead with her plan to allow the first couple she interviewed adopt her son, even after learning that the husband decided he wasn't ready to be a father - or even a husband. She allows a newly divorcing mother to parent her child alone. Why, I wondered. Because she was obviously richer? Would this woman be able to maintain that lifestyle without her husband? Was a nice house all that mattered?
My daughter enlightened me by stating her belief that she did it because she herself - Juno - had been raised in a "broken" or single parent home, being abandoned by her mother. My daughter guessed that the character felt it had been OK for her, so why not.
That got me thinking about the intergenerational familial disconnect represented in the film - and in particular the lack of mother daughter bond.
The 19987 book "The Red Tent" by Anita Diamant is a fiction based on biblical times told in the voice of Jacob's daughter Dinah (who only received a glimpse of recognition in the Book of Genesis). The red tent is the place where women gathered during their cycles of birthing, menses, and even illness. It has been described as "a biblical sorority of mothers and wives." Dinah's mother and Jacob's three other wives initiate her into the religious and sexual practices of the tribe.
How far we have come from a sisterhood of women offering compassion and support, wiping one another's brow during labor and birth, and passing on womanly and maternal secrets and advise. Not only have many of us in middle and upper-class white society lost relationships with grandparents who are sent off to nursing homes, but even mother-daughter bonds are virtually non-existent as portrayed in this film. At best, we learn childbirth in classes and "the womanly art of breastfeeding" from totally non-related women in lactation classes or at a La Leche League meeting.
In the film, a sixteen year old - who is considered unquestionably by those around her and her one internalized messages to be "ill-equipped" and unable to be a parent, is however, equpipped and able to make life and death decisions for and about herself and her child with no input from any parental figure. Instead she announces to them what she has decided and they simply go along for the ride, after she alone ruled out terminating the pregnancy and decided on adoption. There is not one discussion or thought about the loss of a grandchild by either set of parents (though it is unclear whether the paternal grandfather exists in any way in the life of the baby's father or not).
There is utter and total disconnect. A teenager is allowed to make a life-changing decision with zero input from anyone. She decide son adoption, chooses the new parent s (who turn out to be a parent), decides against an open adoption...all without one word explained to her about her rights or options what to expect in the future. The baby's father is non-committal throughout. Her one confidant - a friend her age - likewise offers nothing but agreement to idea of abortion or adoption. Neither is discussed by anyone at anytime in terms of aftermath. She chooses a closed adoption - believing incorrectly it was how Moses' adoption was carried out -- and choses not to see the baby at birth. All of this because she is under the impression thta it help her "put it behind her and go on with her life." And though thse words are never stated aloud, it is the clear implication of the film.
Juno, the movie, may not be a Greek or Roman myth but it it is classic Adoption Mythology 101, and act one in a life-long tragedy.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Juno is Not Just a City in Alaska
As we learn during the powerful movie, Juno was named for the wife - and older sister - of Zeus. Juno is the Roman version of the Greek Goddess Hera. Hera was born of Cronus and Rhea, and was abruptly swallowed after birth due to a prophecy that one of Cronus's children would take over his throne. She was goddess of marriage, presides over the right arrangements of marriage and is the archetype of the union in the marriage bed, but she is not notable as a mother.
Myths about the namesake of the main character of the four times Oscar nominated and very popular film include that Zeus and/or Hera herself were disgusted with her son, Hephaestus' ugliness and threw him from Mount Olympus.
Juno is modern day Greek tragedy about a teen abandoned by her mother who -- without any input from family, the baby's father, his family, a social worker or counselor -- hands her newborn son to a woman she finds in a Penny Saver, even after the woman's husband leaves her after seeing himself through Juno's eyes and wanting to return to his "rocker" days instead of being a jingle-writing yuppie Dad.
The characters often spout mouthfuls of truth, but ignore their own words, such as Juno's father raising concern that she doesn't get "ripped off by nuts" and sadly assuring her that she'll have another baby when the time is right - trying to keep the hope alive for himself as much as for her.
While not Greek or Roman, Juno is so filled with hackneyed adoption myths it's almost satirical at times. Juno's step mother, who is pining for her to leave so she can have dogs, suggests that adoption is a "blessing from Jesus" and someone says Juno might be "canonized for her selflessness."
And the ultimate quintessential cliche "pretend that this has never happened" is also uttered. This, perhaps that relates to the ironic fact that mythical Hera was also worshipped as a virgin who renewed her virginity annually, in rites that were not to be spoken of.
The most ironic scene involves an argument that erupts with the ultra sound technician who upon learning that Juno is planning to loose her child to adoption says: "Thank goodness for that." Juno suddenly speculates that the adoptive parents could abuse or mistreat her child while her step mother shouts angrily: "maybe Juno could do better."
In this FOX version, Juno and her boyfriend go off into the sunset together "as if it never happened" allowing the curtain to come down long before the reality of what she has done sinks in and likely destroys the relationship she believes to be the "the one." But then, impermanence in relationships is a theme from start to finish.
Myths about the namesake of the main character of the four times Oscar nominated and very popular film include that Zeus and/or Hera herself were disgusted with her son, Hephaestus' ugliness and threw him from Mount Olympus.
Juno is modern day Greek tragedy about a teen abandoned by her mother who -- without any input from family, the baby's father, his family, a social worker or counselor -- hands her newborn son to a woman she finds in a Penny Saver, even after the woman's husband leaves her after seeing himself through Juno's eyes and wanting to return to his "rocker" days instead of being a jingle-writing yuppie Dad.
The characters often spout mouthfuls of truth, but ignore their own words, such as Juno's father raising concern that she doesn't get "ripped off by nuts" and sadly assuring her that she'll have another baby when the time is right - trying to keep the hope alive for himself as much as for her.
While not Greek or Roman, Juno is so filled with hackneyed adoption myths it's almost satirical at times. Juno's step mother, who is pining for her to leave so she can have dogs, suggests that adoption is a "blessing from Jesus" and someone says Juno might be "canonized for her selflessness."
And the ultimate quintessential cliche "pretend that this has never happened" is also uttered. This, perhaps that relates to the ironic fact that mythical Hera was also worshipped as a virgin who renewed her virginity annually, in rites that were not to be spoken of.
The most ironic scene involves an argument that erupts with the ultra sound technician who upon learning that Juno is planning to loose her child to adoption says: "Thank goodness for that." Juno suddenly speculates that the adoptive parents could abuse or mistreat her child while her step mother shouts angrily: "maybe Juno could do better."
In this FOX version, Juno and her boyfriend go off into the sunset together "as if it never happened" allowing the curtain to come down long before the reality of what she has done sinks in and likely destroys the relationship she believes to be the "the one." But then, impermanence in relationships is a theme from start to finish.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Personal News
On my daughter Alicia's 40th birthday this past July, I received a wonderful gift.
A friend of hers from H.S. found the MySpace page I created in memory of my daughter and contacted me. Marlene sent photos and shared with me tales of a dear friend whom she liked and cared about. Any shred of evidence that she existed...any memory of her is so cherished, as I have far too few of my own.
Now, a week after my birthday I received a belated gift: a friend of Alicia's from college found me the same way and is sharing her remembrances.
Her college friend, Sandra, has shared happy accounts of laughter shared about "jerks" they dated...as well as Alicia's darker times when she withdrew in depression. Each email is a tiny piece of the puzzle. I am learning about Alicia like the blind men learned about the elephant: each describing the unique part that presented itself to them, but none comprehending the whole.
Each friend in turn helps me track down more friends...each of whom loved my precious daughter, who some recall having a loving family and others tell me had a troubled relationship with her adoptive mother. All pieces of the puzzle and part of the elephant.
Alicia was an artist. I have never seen any of her artwork, but I am acquiring glimpses, brush strokes, colors and they vary and go through stages like the work of all artists.
I am most grateful and appreciative of these gifts. What words are there? How does one describe bringing a ghost a life? Is learning -- not of one ancestors but of a decedent -- "genealogy"? It is for me the repair of a limb broken from my family tree, perhaps then it is...human horticulture.
Alicia speaks to me through these friends. Each story shared with me brings a living leaf to my tree and I am joyful.
A friend of hers from H.S. found the MySpace page I created in memory of my daughter and contacted me. Marlene sent photos and shared with me tales of a dear friend whom she liked and cared about. Any shred of evidence that she existed...any memory of her is so cherished, as I have far too few of my own.
Now, a week after my birthday I received a belated gift: a friend of Alicia's from college found me the same way and is sharing her remembrances.
Her college friend, Sandra, has shared happy accounts of laughter shared about "jerks" they dated...as well as Alicia's darker times when she withdrew in depression. Each email is a tiny piece of the puzzle. I am learning about Alicia like the blind men learned about the elephant: each describing the unique part that presented itself to them, but none comprehending the whole.Each friend in turn helps me track down more friends...each of whom loved my precious daughter, who some recall having a loving family and others tell me had a troubled relationship with her adoptive mother. All pieces of the puzzle and part of the elephant.
Alicia was an artist. I have never seen any of her artwork, but I am acquiring glimpses, brush strokes, colors and they vary and go through stages like the work of all artists.
I am most grateful and appreciative of these gifts. What words are there? How does one describe bringing a ghost a life? Is learning -- not of one ancestors but of a decedent -- "genealogy"? It is for me the repair of a limb broken from my family tree, perhaps then it is...human horticulture.
Alicia speaks to me through these friends. Each story shared with me brings a living leaf to my tree and I am joyful.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Blood Ties
Anyone who questions the importance of blood ties and paternity ought to take a day off, stay home and watch daytime TV.
No, not the soaps. Watch Divorce Court, and other Judge shows, or the Maurey Povich Show. There is no end to the steady stream of couples coming on the show to get DNA testing to verify paternity of chidlren.
Two general themes are this:
I. Men who do not beleive a child born to their girlfreind or wife during their marriage or relationship is theirs. Most often their reason for doubting paternity more than anything else (such as suspicions of infidelty) is their concern that the baby doesn't look like them.
II. Women who want to prove - or find out - who is the father of their child. In these cases, many of the women admit not being sure. Others say they are 100% positive but need to prove it.
Interesting, is:
No, not the soaps. Watch Divorce Court, and other Judge shows, or the Maurey Povich Show. There is no end to the steady stream of couples coming on the show to get DNA testing to verify paternity of chidlren.
Two general themes are this:
I. Men who do not beleive a child born to their girlfreind or wife during their marriage or relationship is theirs. Most often their reason for doubting paternity more than anything else (such as suspicions of infidelty) is their concern that the baby doesn't look like them.
II. Women who want to prove - or find out - who is the father of their child. In these cases, many of the women admit not being sure. Others say they are 100% positive but need to prove it.
Interesting, is:
- The ignorance that a baby may not look like his father, especially immediately after birth.
- Strong denial of the POSSIBILITY of paternity despite admitting to having had unprotected sex with the baby's mother.
- The vast majority of the young men, if they are already acting the role of father to the child or chidlren, say that they will continue in that role even if proven not be the biological father.
- The infidelity and lack of trust seems irrelevant to thse couple. The only conern is biological connection. Many men based their decision to remain in the relationship with the mother on that one fact alone - even those who want to continue to have a relationship with the child.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Incredibly Hysterical!!
DIGEST OF HB1113 (Updated January 9, 2008 4:48 pm - DI 69)
Birth certificate fraud. Increases from a Class A misdemeanor to a Class D felony the penalty for: (1) making a false or fraudulent statement when applying for a birth certificate or when applying for permission to inspect birth records; (2) altering, counterfeiting, or mutilating a certified copy of a birth certificate; or (3) using an altered, counterfeit, or mutilated copy of a birth certificate.
------------------
I for one sure hope this passes! Won't it be fun to sue the state for committing fraud and violating its own statute?
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Redefining Kinship?
Can words just be redefined to suit special interest groups?
More importantly, is nothing scared?
The AAC 29th Annual Conference, March 26-29, 2008 in Portland, is entitled--
Adoption in the Global Community: Redefining Kinship in the 21st Century
After reading this, I went to my trusty online dictionary to see if there was wiggle room in the word "kinship" which has always meant blood ties to me. This is what I found:
I. Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
kin·ship /ˈkɪnʃɪp/
–noun
1. the state or fact of being of kin; family relationship.
2. relationship by nature, qualities, etc.; affinity.
II. American Heritage Dictionary
kin·ship (kĭn'shĭp')
n.
1. Connection by blood, marriage, or adoption; family relationship.
2. Relationship by nature or character; affinity.
II. American Heritage New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy, Third Edition
kinship
A relation between two or more persons that is based on common ancestry (descent) or marriage (affinity).
Nothing ambiguous at all...until the very last selection...one out of four:
IV. American Heritage Stedman's Medical Dictionary
kin·ship (knshp)
n.
Connection by blood, marriage, or adoption; family relationship.
And so, I ask once again...in the world of newspeak is nothing scared?
We have already changed the meaning of "mother" twisting inside out and to call the one in who's womb someone grows a surrogate when the word surrogate means substitute, as in one who would raise the child of another. We call expectant mothers "birthmothers' [gag!] and prospective adopters "Moms-to-be" [ugh1].
What next? Will we "redefine" blood? Heritage? Origins?
More importantly, is nothing scared?
The AAC 29th Annual Conference, March 26-29, 2008 in Portland, is entitled--
Adoption in the Global Community: Redefining Kinship in the 21st Century
After reading this, I went to my trusty online dictionary to see if there was wiggle room in the word "kinship" which has always meant blood ties to me. This is what I found:
I. Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
kin·ship /ˈkɪnʃɪp/
–noun
1. the state or fact of being of kin; family relationship.
2. relationship by nature, qualities, etc.; affinity.
II. American Heritage Dictionary
kin·ship (kĭn'shĭp')
n.
1. Connection by blood, marriage, or adoption; family relationship.
2. Relationship by nature or character; affinity.
II. American Heritage New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy, Third Edition
kinship
A relation between two or more persons that is based on common ancestry (descent) or marriage (affinity).
Nothing ambiguous at all...until the very last selection...one out of four:
IV. American Heritage Stedman's Medical Dictionary
kin·ship (knshp)
n.
Connection by blood, marriage, or adoption; family relationship.
And so, I ask once again...in the world of newspeak is nothing scared?
We have already changed the meaning of "mother" twisting inside out and to call the one in who's womb someone grows a surrogate when the word surrogate means substitute, as in one who would raise the child of another. We call expectant mothers "birthmothers' [gag!] and prospective adopters "Moms-to-be" [ugh1].
What next? Will we "redefine" blood? Heritage? Origins?
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Surrender Survey
For Immediate Release Jan. 16, 2008
PLEASE SPREAD VIA EMAIL LISTS AND BLOGS!!
The Surrender Survey http://www.questionpro.com/akira/TakeSurvey?id=844922 is for parents who has lost a child to adoption. The survey takes approximately 15 minutes to complete. Your name and other identifying information is optional and if given will remain confidential and be used only to verify information.
PURPOSE: The purpose of this survey is to apprise the long term effects and attitudes of mothers (and fathers) who have lost children to adoption, particularly in terms of any “promises” or expectations of confidentiality. Accurate data regarding attitudes, perceptions, beliefs and practices affecting parents in these situations is vital in formulating upcoming legislation in areas of family preservation, foster care and adoption. We hope this survey will be the most comprehensive study of parents who surrendered parental rights or whose rights were terminated resulting in their children being either adopted or remaining in foster care. Your cooperation – regardless of any previous such surveys you may or may not have participated in – is highly appreciated.
This surveys replaces the “BirthParent Project” which, though it had 600 respondents, was found to contain some technical difficulties upon analysis of the results. Further, this survey will be advertised in newspapers in order to solicit responses from parents who lost children in the “public”, in order to reduce the limitations of relying on a select audience.
Please take the survey ONCE for EACH child you have either relinquished or have had your rights terminated for.
Our goal is to have 600 OR MORE parents take this survey before December 1, 2008. This survey is limited to American adoption practices therefore you need to reside in the U.S. If you take this survey and know of any other parents who have either relinquished or had their rights terminated and can take this survey; PLEASE spread the word.
Please go to the link below and take the survey and thank you in advance for your cooperation:
http://www.questionpro.com/akira/TakeSurvey?id=844922
PLEASE SPREAD VIA EMAIL LISTS AND BLOGS!!
The Surrender Survey http://www.questionpro.com/akira/TakeSurvey?id=844922 is for parents who has lost a child to adoption. The survey takes approximately 15 minutes to complete. Your name and other identifying information is optional and if given will remain confidential and be used only to verify information.
PURPOSE: The purpose of this survey is to apprise the long term effects and attitudes of mothers (and fathers) who have lost children to adoption, particularly in terms of any “promises” or expectations of confidentiality. Accurate data regarding attitudes, perceptions, beliefs and practices affecting parents in these situations is vital in formulating upcoming legislation in areas of family preservation, foster care and adoption. We hope this survey will be the most comprehensive study of parents who surrendered parental rights or whose rights were terminated resulting in their children being either adopted or remaining in foster care. Your cooperation – regardless of any previous such surveys you may or may not have participated in – is highly appreciated.
This surveys replaces the “BirthParent Project” which, though it had 600 respondents, was found to contain some technical difficulties upon analysis of the results. Further, this survey will be advertised in newspapers in order to solicit responses from parents who lost children in the “public”, in order to reduce the limitations of relying on a select audience.
Please take the survey ONCE for EACH child you have either relinquished or have had your rights terminated for.
Our goal is to have 600 OR MORE parents take this survey before December 1, 2008. This survey is limited to American adoption practices therefore you need to reside in the U.S. If you take this survey and know of any other parents who have either relinquished or had their rights terminated and can take this survey; PLEASE spread the word.
Please go to the link below and take the survey and thank you in advance for your cooperation:
http://www.questionpro.com/akira/TakeSurvey?id=844922
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