Living in the tri-state (NY) area, television news programming is filled with 9/11 memorial services. Loved ones remember and reflect. Local towns throughout the east coast have memorial programs to memorialize the anniversary, commemorate the devastating losses.
Family members of those who lost their lives that day, solemnly - some tearfully - speak of how they keep their mothers, fathers, son, daughters and spouses alive in their hearts. Some are children who never met or were too young remember their parents who perished. Heartbreaking.
"Never forget" is the battle cry of the world's Jewish population who lost so many during The Holocaust. They too memorialize their loved ones in monuments, museums, documentaries, history books... to see to it that no one ever forgets, lest the horror be repeated.
No one dares to dishonor the loss these survivers by labeling them angry, yet I would imagine some, if asked would decribe that along with grief and sadness they experience a great deal of RAGE at what occurred.
No.... I am NOT comparing the loss adoption inflicts on adopted persons and their natural families to death or to horriffic acts of senseless mass violence - or to acts of war or terorism.
I personally have experienced both losses - adoption and the death of my child. I can thus attest to the fact they are not equal or to be compared.
Nor, do I in any way wish to lessen or detract from the magnitude of death of a loved one. I just wonder why it's OK to diminish our losses and to label us perjoritavely when we express our grief over our loss.
No one would DARE call 9/11 mourners, Holocaut survivors or ANYONE grieivng the death of a loved one "disgruntled" or BITTER! Can you imagine the outcries?
Why then is it acceptable to so demean our losses?
The answer is simple: Because unnlike these deaths, our losses created joy for others and those others want to perpetuate more losses to make others happy.
It's like promoting more fatal auto accidents in order to have ample organs desperately needed for transplant.
"Adoption Loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful" - The Reverend Keith C. Griffith
8 comments:
I think the reason that most people who have not suffered adoption loss cannot make the connection between the loss of 9/11 and the Holocaust is because there is nothing good about the terrorist act or mass extermination of people based on their religion.
Whereas, most people see adoption as being a win-win. It gives the 'unwanted' child a family and a (supposedly) 'better' life. And to many people it is a far more preferable option than abortion.
I don't really see it as being analgous to having more fatal car accidents to procure more organs for donation. But then again I really don't like these comparisons to adoption loss with 9/11 or the Holocaust anyway. Mothers and babies during the BSE were hardly going to be put to death. Yes, it caused untold amounts of pain but the purpose (as misguided as it was) of my being relinquished was to give me a 'better' life. It was hardly to send me or my mother to a gas chamber.
Robin,
I clearly states, IN BOLD:
"I am NOT comparing the loss adoption inflicts on adopted persons and their natural families to death or to horriffic acts of senseless mass violence - or to acts of war or terorism.
"I personally have experienced both losses - adoption and the death of my child. I can thus attest to the fact they are not equal or to be compared.
"Nor, do I in any way wish to lessen or detract from the magnitude of death of a loved one. I just wonder why it's OK to diminish our losses and to label us perjoritavely when we express our grief over our loss."
0urs is a loss that others profit from!
Robin,
I have compared the loss of my mother to cancer and the loss of my granddaughter to adoption. My mother passed on November 6, 2001, just weeks after 9/11. I lost my granddaughter in March 2010. Since I've suffered both losses, I believe I have the right to say which one was more painful, and it was most definitely the loss of my granddaughter to adoption. NO ONE allows us to grieve other than the people who have been where we are. The rest of the world expects us to get on with our lives and be thankful someone stepped up to help us. We are declared angry and bitter and various other nasty names. No one would dare to do this to someone who lost their loved one to death. Unless you've experienced the loss of adoption, you have no room to judge adoptees, first parents or first families and their grief. There is nothing good about adoption EXCEPT for the adoptive parents. The rest of us loose. Also, how dare you compare adoption vs abortion. It's just one more slap in the face for first mothers. It's one more way adopters make themselves into "saviors" and justify their "right" to someone else's child. My daughter didn't chose abortion because it wasn't right for her. She is the one who saved her child. My granddaughters adoptive parents were blessed by the decision my daughter made long before adoption was even introduced as an option.
Kellie wrote: "Unless you've experienced the loss of adoption, you have no room to judge adoptees, first parents or first families and their grief."
I guess you have not read any of my previous comments. I have certainly experienced the loss of adoption. I was given up in a totally unnecessary adoption as an infant simply because I was born out-of-wedlock when that was a huge social taboo. My mother never wanted to give me up and we both suffered enormously from our unnecessary and forced separation. As for the abortion and adoption issue, I wasn't saying I believed that but I believe there are people who do think choosing adoption rather than having an abortion somehow makes adoption a very positive thing.
Mirah,
I apologize if I misread part of this post. Although I do sometimes wonder why I feel you attack my comments when you are quite aware from my comments on your blog and those on other blogs that I am very much on your side.
Robin,
I didn't feel attacked, i felt quite surprised - knowing your usual point of view and mine are fairly similar. It seemed obvious you missed a big point i made.
I knew this would be a sticky topic because so many have knee-jerk reactions to any mention of the Holocaust. But my point is simply that when someone losses a loved one to death - grief is recognized, EXPECTED and HONORED! We have social ractices within various religions and cukltures to show our condolences, but we who loose so much in adoption are just supposed to go home and act as if nothing happened after handing over a child of your blood and body and never look back? Adoptees are supposed to be told "You were not born to me" but I love you so forget those others who you may look like and likely inherit talents and personality traits from. And be GRATEFUL cause, look what i gave you that you might have had otherwise! isn't a new car better than the truth? After all, the truth is likely ugly....
Robin,
I apologize that I misunderstood. We certainly don't need to be attacking each other when we get plenty of that from other people. As you can tell, this is a sensitive subject for me. We've lost not only our granddaughter but a large part of my family whom we loved and We thought loved us. I've blogged about the difference between the losses myself. I know it's a sensitive subject, but it's the one comparison I have to show the depth of our grief without other people trying to discount it. Again, I apologize for the misunderstanding. Thanks for the post, Mirah, I do enjoy reading your blog.
No problem, Kellie. I know it's easy to feel like a bunch of raw nerves when it comes to adoption. I am sincerely sorry that you lost your granddaugher.
I saw your comment over at Cassi's blog, Adoption Truth. I think we are on the same side :)
If only the emotion behind tge AU apology reachd U$ shoes! I would welcome the day when I said "Ilost my daughter to adoption" someone replied: I'm sorry for your loss."
I remember when I was newly divorced, many had trouble know what to say. Some asked: "Is that good or bad news?" THAT should be asked of anyone who reveals that they are adopted.
Post a Comment