When a mother relinquishes her parental rights, she relinquishes ALL rights. If her baby dies minutes after she signs, or years later, she is never notified. If her child develops a genetic disease that might effect her decision to have subsequent children, she is never notified. If the adoption placement fails, she is never notified. She is a persona non grata to her child and he to her.
Recently on Facebook someone asked what her "responsibility" is to try to find and notify the original parents of her deceased adoptive brother. Legally, of course, she has no responsibility. She felt torn knowing it was not her brother's desire to search and her adoptive parents would not be happy at all if the knew she was "interfering" in any way.
I shared my views as a mother of a twice lost child - first lost to adoption then deceased, and on behalf of the many mother I know of deceased children. We want to know! We deserve to know the truth.
At the very least anyone who knows of a deceased adopted should contact the agency and notify them so that could share that information with anyone who might come searching. Also, it is free to list the adoptees info on ISSR.
I suggested that this adoptee, additionally, conduct a search as she would do for herself. Find a search angel, and leave a message with the adoption agency for the parents to contact her, not the aps for more info, such as photos. I told her she could also put up a Facebook memorial page, add his name to TwiceLost.org...etc.
But she worried about her adoptive Mom having a "fit" and was is right, after all they were told the birth mother really didn't want him?
I replied reminding her that she does not know that her brother would not have eventually decided to search, or bene delighted to have been found.
I reminded her that whatever the agency told them may or may not be true, and even if true, people change. An "unwanted" child of a scarred 17-year-old could be a much sought after child of an adult mother - or a father who never even knew of his son's existence.
From the birth parent perspective it's a moral obligation to do everything you can to notify his family. To know this and not share it is immoral IMHO. A mother, or father, could be picturing him graduating, marrying, etc.
Mothers of MIAs will tell you that knowing, even knowing the worst, is better than not knowing. it is cruel to leave them hanging, fantasizing and wondering why their son is not seeking them out. if they don't care, no harm, no foul.
I suggested she consider that he may also have biological siblings who might want to know, and they did not give him away!
I told her she would be doing what is called in Hebrew, a mitzvah....allowing family to mourn their dead, to grieve, to put closure on their limbo loss and not forever be waiting and wondering. And, her a-mother never has to know. Her attitude is cruel and unnecessarily punitive.
I feel very strongly about this moral obligation of all who know of the death of an adoptee, especially adoptive parents. It is horrible that there is no legal notification made to birth family - a wrong that can be righted by individual notification.
Mothers of deceased adopted out children have been comforted by speaking to adoptive family members and especially by obtaining photos etc. They have already endured such horrific loss, why subject them to more, by denying them the truth?
Your comments welcomed/