When a mother relinquishes her parental rights, she relinquishes ALL rights. If her baby dies minutes after she signs, or years later, she is never notified. If her child develops a genetic disease that might effect her decision to have subsequent children, she is never notified. If the adoption placement fails, she is never notified. She is a persona non grata to her child and he to her.
Recently on Facebook someone asked what her "responsibility" is to try to find and notify the original parents of her deceased adoptive brother. Legally, of course, she has no responsibility. She felt torn knowing it was not her brother's desire to search and her adoptive parents would not be happy at all if the knew she was "interfering" in any way.
I shared my views as a mother of a twice lost child - first lost to adoption then deceased, and on behalf of the many mother I know of deceased children. We want to know! We deserve to know the truth.
At the very least anyone who knows of a deceased adopted should contact the agency and notify them so that could share that information with anyone who might come searching. Also, it is free to list the adoptees info on ISSR.
I suggested that this adoptee, additionally, conduct a search as she would do for herself. Find a search angel, and leave a message with the adoption agency for the parents to contact her, not the aps for more info, such as photos. I told her she could also put up a Facebook memorial page, add his name to TwiceLost.org...etc.
But she worried about her adoptive Mom having a "fit" and was is right, after all they were told the birth mother really didn't want him?
I replied reminding her that she does not know that her brother would not have eventually decided to search, or bene delighted to have been found.
I reminded her that whatever the agency told them may or may not be true, and even if true, people change. An "unwanted" child of a scarred 17-year-old could be a much sought after child of an adult mother - or a father who never even knew of his son's existence.
From the birth parent perspective it's a moral obligation to do everything you can to notify his family. To know this and not share it is immoral IMHO. A mother, or father, could be picturing him graduating, marrying, etc.
Mothers of MIAs will tell you that knowing, even knowing the worst, is better than not knowing. it is cruel to leave them hanging, fantasizing and wondering why their son is not seeking them out. if they don't care, no harm, no foul.
I suggested she consider that he may also have biological siblings who might want to know, and they did not give him away!
I told her she would be doing what is called in Hebrew, a mitzvah....allowing family to mourn their dead, to grieve, to put closure on their limbo loss and not forever be waiting and wondering. And, her a-mother never has to know. Her attitude is cruel and unnecessarily punitive.
I feel very strongly about this moral obligation of all who know of the death of an adoptee, especially adoptive parents. It is horrible that there is no legal notification made to birth family - a wrong that can be righted by individual notification.
Mothers of deceased adopted out children have been comforted by speaking to adoptive family members and especially by obtaining photos etc. They have already endured such horrific loss, why subject them to more, by denying them the truth?
Your comments welcomed/
5 comments:
"But she worried about her adoptive Mom having a "fit" and was is right, after all they were told the birth mother really didn't want him?"
The APs feelings and whether or not they would throw a fit should be the least of everyone's concerns. It is always about them and never about the first parents or the child. And as for the birth mother not wanting him, that may or may not be true. We all know that agencies, attorneys and others involved in adoption will say what they think others want to hear to ensure that the adoption takes place.
I definitely believe that the death notification should take place. Adoption severs the legal ties but it can never sever the biological ties and usually does not sever the emotional ties as well.
Not notifying a mother when and if something has happened to the child she brought into this world (and is the one responsible for making her child's adopters "parents") is cruel, selfish and dehumanizing. Sounds like adoption in a nutshell to me.
I read about a story recently where adopters wanted something from the natural mother in the way of saving their adopted child who was ill, but didn't have the compassion or empathy to let her know how her child. They then had the audacity and cold hearts to sue this woman for slander when she reached out to other mothers of adoption loss for support and encouragement. After her child ended up tragically dying after an accident, they escorted her out of her child's funeral, as is she had no right to be there. People like this sicken me like no other and they have no business coveting another's child.
Not notifying a mother when and if something has happened to the child she brought into this world (and is the one responsible for making her child's adopters "parents") is cruel, selfish and dehumanizing. Sounds like adoption in a nutshell to me.
I read about a story recently where adopters wanted something from the natural mother in the way of saving their adopted child who was ill, but didn't have the compassion or empathy to let her know how her child. They then had the audacity and cold hearts to sue this woman for slander when she reached out to other mothers of adoption loss for support and encouragement. After her child ended up tragically dying after an accident, they escorted her out of her child's funeral, as is she had no right to be there. People like this sicken me like no other and they have no business coveting another's child.
About a year before my daughter's death, I wrote to her adoptive mother saying that it seemed my daughter wasn't interested in continuing a relationship with me and that I would be most appreciative if she could keep me apprised of major life events, like if my daughter married.
A year later when she died, her adoptive mother went out of her way to keep the obit out of the newspapers so I would not show up at the funeral. I found out by sheer accident.
Years later, I posted a memorial page on Facebook for my daughter. many of her HS and college friends had no idea of her passing and were thankful to know. They were eager to talk about her and share photos, all of which was very healing for them and for me.
A brother - one of 3 biological sons of the adopters - wrote to me how upsetting the page was for him and threatened to have FB take it down. He did not ever go through with his threat, or FB didn't.
But I have always been unable to compute adoptive possessiveness and entitlement after death. I can well understand the fears of new aps. the fear that the mother might "change her mind" or try to reverse the adoption. I understand that, I truly do. I understand their fear of their teenage kids turning against them and seeking out their "real" parents - because blood IS thicker than water!
But when a child has died - the most unnatural thing in the world - to not have compassion for the other mother who has also lost yet again is totally incomprehensible to me and yet it happens every day. More often than not. People acting on uptight "properness" that it is not their "place" to reach out, or worse, turning away a mother who finds them - not offering photos, etc.
Wouldn't you want to thank the woman who made your years with your child possible??? Isn't that how aps claim they feel - thankful? How is it thankful to refuse to share photos as has been done with many mothers i know of personally? How is it anything but cruel and selfish?
"Wouldn't you want to thank the woman who made your years with your child possible??? Isn't that how aps claim they feel - thankful? How is it thankful to refuse to share photos as has been done with many mothers i know of personally? How is it anything but cruel and selfish?"
Exactly and it all hits home of what a mistake we made by letting our children go to these cruel, selfish people. My son's adopters have treated me abhorrently and it sickens me every day that I have allowed these people permanently into my life to dehumanize me, for the rest of my life. I would give anything to take it all back...
Post a Comment