Adoption stigma, like racism, is alive and well.
For the past 40 years that I have been actively involved in the world of
adoption...the only time we heard about adoption being stigmatized was from
adoptive parents. They felt that others - often family members - looked at
their choice as second best and did not embrace their adopted child as part of
the family as they would have a child born into the family - a child who might
look familiar, share familial traits or coloring of hair, skin and eyes.
But isn't it also because so many adopters now publically share their
adoption "journey's" and how they begin that journey only after years
of trying and failing to have a child of their own? No, not ALL adoptions are
entered into by those who cannot have children of their own, but MOST are. How
is the public to think of adoption as anything but a second best booby prize as
long people share the fact that it is IS a consolation prize for them,
something they "accepted" as their lot in life after much time, money
and emotional agony was spent to avoid it, and many tears were shed.
Adoptive parents also complained that their children have a hard time in school.
Some got teased, while other shad difficulty with specific school tasks such as
family trees and adopters have worked to change that aspect of school curriculum
to "normalize" the status of adoption for their kids. They report negative
comments from strangers asking how much their kid cost - again, as a result of
so many discussing facts like costs publically. They also dislike being out in
public with a child that obviously is a different race and being asked about
the child's "real" or natural family.
Now, adults who were adopted are sharing the pain the endured growing up
adopted. Authors like Jane Jeong Trenka have addressed eloquently the effects
of teasing and taunting they endure especially when raised in lily-white
middle-America.
And now a white adoptee shares her feelings of being stigmatized by the fact
of having been adopted.
Kathy
Bright, for instance, writes:
For example, I go to a new doctor and I'm
handed a two-page form full of medical history questions. Did my mother or
grandmother have a history of breast cancer? Any diabetics in the family? High
blood pressure? Heart conditions? Thyroid?
Well, I don't know because I'm a-d-o-p-t-e-d.
Where's the checkbox that says "Adopted" or "Don't Know" or
"No Family History"? Because I've never seen one. The forms get
updated with HIPAA and every other thing, but that part never changes. Why not?
On a side note, I have gotten over not having a genetic medical history. (OK,
not totally. You get a warranty when you get an appliance, but you can't even
get a medical history with a kid? Really?)
But at least give me a real-world option on
your forms, especially if we're going to talk about modern families and how we
define them. If you can change "mother" and "father" to
"first parent" and "second parent," you can certainly add
"No Family History" or just "Don't Know."
And what about the plain simple fact that adoptees are treated unequal
LEGALLY in most states? Is not inequality the ultimate indication of stigma? As
was the case when I grew up, with segregated schools, drinking fountains, etc.
that kept Blacks in a separate legal class of their own, so too do current laws
that deny adopted persons the same right to their own birth certificates segregate
out and discriminate against a portion of the population based on nothing more
than a transfer of their custodial rights - a decision had no choice in!
When an adopted woman named Jenessa took to Facebook with a photographic
plea for help in locating her family or origins,
the
story went viral. While she received support, some also felt the need to
share their desire to keep this woman imprisoned and disallowed the same rights
all other - not adopted - take for granted: the rights to geology, the right to
know who you look like and where you get your talents and quirks from...the
right as someone recently said to know when your mother began and ended menses...and
the right to ask why you were placed for adoption.
She was met with all the stereotypical rhetoric including that she should be
GRATEFUL and that it's a "slap in the face" of her adoptive parents
for her, as an adult, to have a natural, human curiosity.
Yes, adoption stigma is alive and well, especially toward parents who
relinquish - or even consider it.
This comment is typical of many I receive to blog posts at here at
FamilyPreservation.blogspot.com:
"My name is Fabi. Im a mother of two
beautiful daughters. Just like cara, i was in a horrible situation, a horrible
relationship, and didn't have a job. I was pressured into adopting, aborting,
ect. No matter how much pressure was put on me i still said f&@@ the world
im keeping my baby, i was only 18. Compared to a 28 year old...she made a
mistake you dont have a receipt god doesn't have lay away. Cara shouldnt have
given her up in the first place. Now she made innocent people pay more her
mistake."
Eliminate ALL Stigma?
While we work toward eradicating stigmas that hurts those who
have been adopted or have lost a child to adoption, and work towards equality
for adoptees…is our goal to eliminate all stigmas surrounding adoption?
NO. First we need to examine the fact that not
all adoptions are equal. Some are altruistic – or truly attempt to be. Most are a second-best choice. Far too many adoptions are not in the child’s best interest but
rather to meet a demand and thus far too many involve exploitation and
coercion. We certainly want all those kinds of adoption to continue to be
stigmatized.
In fact, we as a society need to increase the stigma on unnecessary
adoptions such as those that export babies from the US or involve openly paying
bribes, or those in which adopters turn a blind eye to obvious abuses, inconsistencies,
lies and unethical practices. We need in fact to increase the stigma on practices such as pre-birth
matching that puts pressure and feelings of obligation on mothers and false expectations
on would-be adopters.
We need to stigmatize the practice of relinquishing parents
relying on those vying for their child to pay their expenses and provide them with
an attorney. We need to stigmatize moving expectant mother out-of-state,
isolating them and telling them to lie about the father of the child, denying
him his rights.
In other words, stigmatize all that is wrong with adoption. Stigmatize
the hell out of adopters who abuse or abandon children they have sought out and
been entrusted with. And stigmatize like witches those who hang on to and fight mothers and
fathers who are able to parent their own child, or take any child knowing he or
she has family that want him, or keep children who are known to have been
kidnapped, as the Monahans are doing. Stigmatize all that is EVIL in
adoption!
And let women considering relinquishment read what will be
thought and said about them after the fact!
The public WILL stigmatize you for acting against nature and giving away
your own flesh and blood no how well thought out and open your adoption. So
think well before casting yourself in the lifelong role of pariah, and asking your
child to suffer the sting as well.
Adoption IS second best and it IS unnatural and it should be
avoided whenever possible.
Stigmatize adoption, not adoptees or their natural parents.
