It's Good to be HEARD!

It is always heartwarming to know that our words are heard and appreciated. WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE...if only one person at a time!

I received the following email today from an Jennifer Hemsley, who you may remember I had awarded Family Preservation "Hero of the Year" for 2008. Jennifer was at the same NYC adoption conference as I last week. Her email to me - below - could not have come at a better time then when I was felling so totally burnt out by all the negativity.

An online blog comment (at Origins-USA.org/blog) had jumped to conclusions and was critical of my asking that conference attendees be aware of mothers who lost adoption and out desire to self-identify. So it was especially heartfelkt to receive this email from Jennifer:

Mirah,


It was so good to meet you at the NYC conference.


I'm glad we touched base. Thank you for your support..... I'm not too good at public speaking (but can "do a good email"). Your smile and hand squeeze really meant a lot to me after I left that very unfriendly microphone.


I wanted to express to you that I truly understand the bias against first mothers in the adoption vernacular. Once your eyes are open to it, it is quite shocking at the dismissive attitude towards first families and women in general. I find this particularly true when discussing first families in developing nations (not so ironically "countries of origin"). These women are not breeding machines for adopting parents needs. I now see this as a human rights/women's rights issue. I will continue to speak out for those that cannot as best as I can.


I am networking with others who have similar agendas as mine, and I am pleased to find them around the world, addressing similar trafficking issues in other countries. Although my "heart" and focus right now is in Guatemala, I am deeply concerned about Vietnam, Nepal and Ethiopia.


I have been in touch with ... journalist who is doing an expose on the women of Guatemala. I discussed at length the DNA fraud that is still going on. There is more in the pipeline..... so I'd like to stay in touch. Thank you for that contact and at the same time respecting my privacy by passing the message via PEAR.


Best to you,
Jennifer

Burn Out

A follow up to the previous post...

Sadly, the adoption reform and family preservation movements are the most back stabbing I have ever been involved in and I have done grassroots volunteerism all of my adult life. I was marginally involved in civil rights in the 50's and 60's, the anti-war movement...and remain a peace activist to this day.

It's night and day. Peace activists are the antithesis of the angry people in adoption who take their anger out on one another.

Last night I heard a very angry poet. His name is Remi Kanazi. He is a Palestinian American. If you read his poems you'll lack the full force of his anger! He is performance poet and he is powered by righteous indignation, especially since the recent Gaza bombings.

There were some in the church last night who did not fully agree with his message or the tone of his presentation. But even those people were all polite and he, respectful of them in turn.

No where else do I witness the vicious attacks against fellow workers that in the paid workplace would be considered creating a hostile work environment, and in any other part of a civilized society would be considered rude. Manners just disappear.

Yes, we've suffered losses that result in anger. But, my God, people have lost their entire families in war get along better than we do.

It wears one down, instead of feeling supported by "co-workers"..."sisters in solidarity" as we should be.

I have work to do. I seek to end unwarranted family separations, exploitation, corruption. I do everything I can and I do it fairly well. My books have been well received which pleases me because this is important work.

Because of the radical nature of my writing, I had expected (anticipated?) hostility from those who want adoption to continue for their profit. I never expected - nor did I ever experience subsequent to the publication of my first book - jalousies and contempt from those who seemingly share my point of view.

Am I saying I have never been critical? Far from it! When I disagree I share my opinions loud and clear and in a direct fashion - allowing for an open debate based on ISSUES - not personal attacks!

The Internet brings out the worst in everyone. It never ceases to amaze me comparing the adoption reform movement pre and post Internet how much more cohesive a NETWORK we were before being linked technologically.

My work is important and I have a goal that I cannot accomplish while being drained by in-fighting, nastiness, etc. I am felling on the verge of another long hiatus from it all...

It is this burn-out - along with the massive drop-out rate, and lack of finances - that causes our movement to stagnate and get nowhere, accomplish paltry few goals.

Sad. As I have also written the internet is a tool. It can be used for good or for evil. It seems to have allowed everyone their own platform and done more to divide than to help us conquer together.

As a final observation....those who commented on my last blog post trolled here on their own. I sent no announcement. I was then, and am now, merely "journalling" my own feelings. But the sharks came and attacked....those who have nothing constructive to do but bite the asses of those who are trying their best to work for mothers and families. Sad, sad, sad...

P.A.S.T.: Post-Adoption Separation Trauma

P.A.S.T. and uncontrollable anger...

It's real and it cab be toxic. P.A.S.T seems to be prevalent and most OBVIOUS in the form of anger, though of course it can also crete depression and other manifestations.

I have no doubt that it effects others in quite the opposite way and makes some shy and withdrawn, remain in total denial - what me? Adopted? Yeah,but it was for the best and I'm quite happy. Lost a child to adoption? Angry? Of course not.

It makes some perennial victims - doormats, if you will - and has others just believing that they are.

But the most pervasive symptom, or at least the one I witness most often amongst those I come into contact with most often -- adoptees and mothers who lost children to adoption -- who are actively discussing adoption issues...is anger!

It takes several different forms.

There are some blog trollers (whom we've all met!) who go from blog to blog and disagree. No matter what is posted, one in particular, has a very different point of view, and can only express it in the most extreme, contrary and attacking fashion.

If you are for peace, she is for war. If you are against immigration, she is for it. It doesn't seem to matter and follows no pattern of liberalism versus conservatism...her political/religious belief is just contraryism! And she is darn proud of it as well!

Then there are the more scary ones because they catch you off guard. You can know these people for a day or years and things can go along rather smoothly. You have a very civil, kind, respectful dialogue with them for the day or year that you know them and then: POW! BAM! They go BALLISTIC over the most minor thing and cannot control the vile spewing from their mouth and covering you with their UGLY toxic venom....anymore than the little girl in the movie The Exorcist!

And... of course, an apology is no where to be found. In one case recently the perpetrator of this insanity totally denied saying what she said to me, despite it all being in written emails! In another recent case the perpetrator imemdiatwelt became the victim! Neither apologized for their totally INAPPROPRIATE behavior or the very unkind, hurtful things aid to me when they went into their rage.

Now, I have anger too! Oh yes indeed. No doubt about it. I have written about channeling anger constructively in activism. Yet, there have been times when I felt out of control and controlled by my anger. BUT, I have always experienced extreme embarrassment when I have "lost it" in anger. Even when justified and having exploded on one of those real live yet very robotic people on the telephone who repeats the same script over and over instead of answering your question! I blow up, get sarcastic...even slam the phone down. But I feel like and ASS after I do, and if I have done so to anyone I know -- and not just a passing car on the highway - I APOLOGIZE! But, that's me.

I also am self aware enough to know, that while everyone has these moments, and that there is a great deal in our high-speed world to add to our frustration...I know that underneath it all are my adoption issue "triggers."

I know it is an "You know you are separated by adoption when..." moment!

My triggers are:

- feeling pressured, rushed, gotta make a decision right now with no time to think (like some car salesman do to you!)

- needing to "right" and hating to be "wrong" - thus engaging in being arguments way too long and unable to just end it, walk away, hit delete...

- feeling ignored, invisible and unheard (probably why I speak loud and fast - and this one may have it source in my parentage and precede my loss to adoption)

- taking things too personally and getting my feelings hurt

- I identify with underdogs; discrimination and social injustices upset me.

- very innocuous comments like: "I can make you laugh" elicits the thought that no one can MAKE me do anything!

It is cathartic to discuss our triggers, and even to be able to laugh at them. But it is seriously important that we learn to recognize and gain some level of control over the way we react, lest we sabotage all of our relationships with family, friends and lovers as well as our job, career and our whole life!

In the past two weeks, I was exposed to toxic venom by an adoptee and a natural mother. One I had just "met" on the internet but had had a half dozen or so pleasant, respectful emails back and forth as she told me of her reunion. I was supportive and courteous to this stranger. And then: BAM! I made an error and instead of simply pointing it out and asking me to correct it, she went totally psycho on me, spewing four letter words and saying very hurtful things.
The second incident involved a mother I have known as a highly respected colleague for a couple of years.

I understand the root of their anger has nothing to do with me or anything I did or aid, or didn't do or say. I understand and have compassion and forgiveness, though it sure would be nice to get an apology, certainly if there is to be any contnued interactions.

But therein lies the rub. People who are out of control and have not begun any self-introspecton as to the cuase nd ffect of their actons and behavir... people who are often not evcenaware of what tey are saying, also are often one in the same people who are incapable of apologizing because they see an apology as an admission of guilt. It is not!

If you step on someone's toes - ACCIDENTLY - most people in polite society say: "I'm sorry." You are sorry that you ACCIDENTALLY may have hurt the person. You are not admitting that you did it intentionally. there is nothing inherent in an apology that implies that.

Yet another way you know you suffer form P.A.S.T. is if you have an inability to accept, or "own" anything you have done. If you are always on the defense; always feel you are being "blamed" for things you didn't do. Often feel like the victim of others "abuse" when someone is simply expressing their own feelings. And so it goes round and round...

Carole Anderson, may she rest in peace, used to call us "the walking wounded."

We are, but we cannot let it rule our lives and it does not excuse rude behavior! We need to GROW UP and take back control of our lives and our actions.
It may be UNDERSTANDABLE but that doesn't make it acceptable or excusable!

Join the discussion - which has 96 members so far! Share your experiences at: "You know you are separated by adoption when..." Hopefully it will be fun, cathartic and enlightening to those who think adoption is a win-win.

And...if you're having a bd day,week, year or life....having a pity-party or wallowing in it...watch this:

http://www.4marks.com/videos/details.html?video_id=723

Internet MIS-Information

The Internet is a tool. Tools can be used for good or evil -- or just improperly mis-used.

How sad and cruel for those who search the Internet and come across BS like that which follows.

How sad I see no way to comment or to write to the wonders of this venue. if you do, please do and let others know how:

Searching For Adoption Records
By Jason Voxly
You're on this page because you have come to the point in your life when you are curious about who your real parents are. Do they miss me? Do they even think about me any more? These are probably just two of many, many questions that ...

Gotta Love The NCFA-Holes!

Ya' gotta admire their chutzpah and the money they spend on PR. Ya' gotta love the new and amazing ways they invent to bend the English language.

They are now calling open records - as opposed to mutual consent registries - "mandatory" openness!

man⋅da⋅to⋅ry

   /ˈmændəˌtɔri, -ˌtoʊri/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [man-duh-tawr-ee, -tohr-ee]
adjective, noun, plural -ries. –adjective

1.	authoritatively ordered; obligatory; compulsory: It is mandatory that all students take two years of math.

2.	pertaining to, of the nature of, or containing a command.

3.	Law. permitting no option; not to be disregarded or modified: a mandatory clause.

4.	having received a mandate, as a nation.

So... equal access to one's birth certificate, would MANDATE or FORCE people to know one's name or to meet them? Adoptees would be ORDERD to have their mothers over for Thanksgiving dinner and mother who lots children to adoption would be "permitted no option" but to visit their child every Christmas and ground hog's day?? No choices!?? (Wondrr what the epenalty is for NOT looking at your mother's name - since it's "mandao=ry" if the records are opened!).

Gee...and I thought it would just make the equal to non-adopted persons! But I guess it makes us all obligated and mandated to have contact with one another....whether we ant to or not!

What clever HYPE! What a crock!

Here's one of my favorites arguments the NCFA puts forth against the Donaldson Institute's report on open records:

"Because there is no fundamental right to know the identities of others, birthparents or otherwise, adopted persons are not being unlawfully discriminated against if they are denied access to their birthparents’ identities."

Hey, NCFA-holes:

1) there also is no law prohibiting knowing any stranger!

2) it IS discrimination when anyone else CAN know their birthparent's identity EXCEPT those who are adopted, and

3) ever hard of BIRTH creating an "intimate relationship" - the courts have!

“The statutory text of FCA 812 plainly states without qualification that members of the same family include those persons related by consanguinity. While respondent may cease being legally recognized as L.'s parent, she remains L.'s birth mother and the two are related by consanguinity.... A person can have but two biological parents. There is potentially significant emotional and psychological impact upon a child from a biological parent who seeks to continue a relationship with the child after the child has been adopted into another family. In recognition that a biological relationship may have a special significance which can be beneficial or harmful to an adopted child depending upon the circumstances, legislation has been enacted ranging from permitting some form of contact between the biological parent and child to continue post adoption to altogether terminating the biological parent's right to have contact with the child to prevent unwanted intrusion by the child's former biological relatives to promote the stability of the newly adoptive family (see, Matter of Jacob, 86 NY2d 651, 663 - 666)." From K.J. v. K.K.

"Baby" Jessica in the News Again

In a very recent post - December 20 - I mentioned the "Baby" Lenore Scarpeta/DeMartino case that was so pivotal in my post-adoption journey.

Ironically, another major adoption battle headline making battle is back news:

'She has never left my heart' DeBoer hopes to hear from Jessica, now Anna, who will be 18

Tuesday, January 06, 2009
BY SUSAN L. OPPAT
The Ann Arbor News

Jan DeBoer is starting over.
Again.
The adoptive father of the child who became nationally known as Baby Jessica returned home to his Pittsfield Township apartment on Monday morning - the first time since a New Year's Day fire caused an estimated $550,000 in damage to eight apartments, including his.
DeBoer, 55, was in Florida caring for his parents when he learned about the fire. He flew back Monday, worried about what he would find.
His small one-bedroom apartment in the Greenway Park complex off Golfside Road was home to his few belongings - two guitars, his grandparents' Delft vases, his citizenship papers, a couch, a chair and a bed.
It also had his most-prized possession: An original painting of Jessica by a woman who was touched by the DeBoers' story and their battle to keep their adoptive child.
In 1991, DeBoer and his former wife, Roberta, began a lengthy custody battle that gained national attention after they adopted a newborn girl they named Jessica. The birth father didn't sign the adoption papers, and the two couples waged a court battle that reached the U.S. Supreme Court in 1993. Jessica was returned to her birth parents when she was 2-1/2 and was renamed Anna Schmidt.
The DeBoers later adopted a son, Casey, who is now nearly 15. Their marriage didn't survive the stress of losing Jessica, and although they remarried, they divorced again.
And so Jan lost his daughter, his marriage and his home.
He even lost the ability to play his beloved guitars in a Christian rock band after he mangled his thumb in a press at work in Printing Services at the University of Michigan.
After last week's fire, Roberta DeBoer placed the portrait of Jessica in the apartment complex office for safekeeping before Jan arrived Monday. But he was still nervous about what he would find.
The hallway walls were black. Insulation hung from the ceilings. The air was still acrid, four days after the fire.
When DeBoer saw the portrait, he was relieved.
"I look at it every day,'' he said of the painting of the big-eyed, curly-haired toddler. "She has never left my heart, and she never will. She will always be my little girl.''
Anna Schmidt turns 18 on Feb. 8, DeBoer said.
He hopes that milestone could prompt her to call, although he has no reason to expect it. He last saw photos and television news coverage of her about six years ago.
DeBoer said he's getting tired of starting over, but he's also thankful.
"I've got a good job, and people who love me are coming out of the woodwork to help me,'' he said. "There are more important things in life than stuff. I'm lucky Casey wasn't here, and we weren't sleeping.
"And I didn't have to jump off a balcony,'' he said, referring to tenants who were injured escaping the blaze.
Greenway Park is accepting donations of goods and money to help tenants. Donations may be dropped off at the office, 2756 Golfside Drive, south of Washtenaw Avenue.
The cause of the blaze remains under investigation, fire officials said Monday afternoon.
Susan Oppat can be reached at soppat@annarbornews.com or at 734-994-6679.

After all these years, how little has changed: The press still misreports stories of contested adoptions, calling this man the "adoptive father." He was a prospective adopter; recipient of a child not properly relinquished for adoption but who who, together with his wife fought to keep a child from her mother and father who wanted her and loved her.

Why is such a person painted with compassion and sympathy for his loss?

UPDATE: Anna is doing great. She's a high school senior, is actively involved in band (pep, marching, jazz, concert), loves photography, has good grades (3.0+), and has plans to attend college next year. She lives (in a middle class home) with her mother, Cara....step-father Lyal....and sister Chloe....and is very close to all. She has no contact with Dan Schmidt, her natural father, and hasn't had for 2-3 yrs now, for reasons you could probably guess. She also has no memory of the DeBoer's, nor does she ever plan to contact them. She felt it was "creepy" when she saw the recent article that said Jan DeBoer looked at her picture daily. She has led a full and normal life, and doesn't care to be in the public eye.

SilverDove: Work In Progress

Before I wrote Stork Market and got involved with Origins-USA board of directors....I was a peace freak; old hippie...with a funky ole website: SilverDove.org

It was taken down while I concentrated on my publishing site. It’s been a real joy reviving it!

I hope you get half as much from reading the quotes as I have! It really centered me and brought me back to my spirituality and oneness...Gave me a great deal of pace and comfort...nice way to start the new year...

As the subject says: it’s a work in progress. I hope you’ll come back again when I upload the videos.

Without further ado, the site is: http://www.SilverDove.org