P.A.S.T.: Post-Adoption Separation Trauma

P.A.S.T. and uncontrollable anger...

It's real and it cab be toxic. P.A.S.T seems to be prevalent and most OBVIOUS in the form of anger, though of course it can also crete depression and other manifestations.

I have no doubt that it effects others in quite the opposite way and makes some shy and withdrawn, remain in total denial - what me? Adopted? Yeah,but it was for the best and I'm quite happy. Lost a child to adoption? Angry? Of course not.

It makes some perennial victims - doormats, if you will - and has others just believing that they are.

But the most pervasive symptom, or at least the one I witness most often amongst those I come into contact with most often -- adoptees and mothers who lost children to adoption -- who are actively discussing adoption issues...is anger!

It takes several different forms.

There are some blog trollers (whom we've all met!) who go from blog to blog and disagree. No matter what is posted, one in particular, has a very different point of view, and can only express it in the most extreme, contrary and attacking fashion.

If you are for peace, she is for war. If you are against immigration, she is for it. It doesn't seem to matter and follows no pattern of liberalism versus conservatism...her political/religious belief is just contraryism! And she is darn proud of it as well!

Then there are the more scary ones because they catch you off guard. You can know these people for a day or years and things can go along rather smoothly. You have a very civil, kind, respectful dialogue with them for the day or year that you know them and then: POW! BAM! They go BALLISTIC over the most minor thing and cannot control the vile spewing from their mouth and covering you with their UGLY toxic venom....anymore than the little girl in the movie The Exorcist!

And... of course, an apology is no where to be found. In one case recently the perpetrator of this insanity totally denied saying what she said to me, despite it all being in written emails! In another recent case the perpetrator imemdiatwelt became the victim! Neither apologized for their totally INAPPROPRIATE behavior or the very unkind, hurtful things aid to me when they went into their rage.

Now, I have anger too! Oh yes indeed. No doubt about it. I have written about channeling anger constructively in activism. Yet, there have been times when I felt out of control and controlled by my anger. BUT, I have always experienced extreme embarrassment when I have "lost it" in anger. Even when justified and having exploded on one of those real live yet very robotic people on the telephone who repeats the same script over and over instead of answering your question! I blow up, get sarcastic...even slam the phone down. But I feel like and ASS after I do, and if I have done so to anyone I know -- and not just a passing car on the highway - I APOLOGIZE! But, that's me.

I also am self aware enough to know, that while everyone has these moments, and that there is a great deal in our high-speed world to add to our frustration...I know that underneath it all are my adoption issue "triggers."

I know it is an "You know you are separated by adoption when..." moment!

My triggers are:

- feeling pressured, rushed, gotta make a decision right now with no time to think (like some car salesman do to you!)

- needing to "right" and hating to be "wrong" - thus engaging in being arguments way too long and unable to just end it, walk away, hit delete...

- feeling ignored, invisible and unheard (probably why I speak loud and fast - and this one may have it source in my parentage and precede my loss to adoption)

- taking things too personally and getting my feelings hurt

- I identify with underdogs; discrimination and social injustices upset me.

- very innocuous comments like: "I can make you laugh" elicits the thought that no one can MAKE me do anything!

It is cathartic to discuss our triggers, and even to be able to laugh at them. But it is seriously important that we learn to recognize and gain some level of control over the way we react, lest we sabotage all of our relationships with family, friends and lovers as well as our job, career and our whole life!

In the past two weeks, I was exposed to toxic venom by an adoptee and a natural mother. One I had just "met" on the internet but had had a half dozen or so pleasant, respectful emails back and forth as she told me of her reunion. I was supportive and courteous to this stranger. And then: BAM! I made an error and instead of simply pointing it out and asking me to correct it, she went totally psycho on me, spewing four letter words and saying very hurtful things.
The second incident involved a mother I have known as a highly respected colleague for a couple of years.

I understand the root of their anger has nothing to do with me or anything I did or aid, or didn't do or say. I understand and have compassion and forgiveness, though it sure would be nice to get an apology, certainly if there is to be any contnued interactions.

But therein lies the rub. People who are out of control and have not begun any self-introspecton as to the cuase nd ffect of their actons and behavir... people who are often not evcenaware of what tey are saying, also are often one in the same people who are incapable of apologizing because they see an apology as an admission of guilt. It is not!

If you step on someone's toes - ACCIDENTLY - most people in polite society say: "I'm sorry." You are sorry that you ACCIDENTALLY may have hurt the person. You are not admitting that you did it intentionally. there is nothing inherent in an apology that implies that.

Yet another way you know you suffer form P.A.S.T. is if you have an inability to accept, or "own" anything you have done. If you are always on the defense; always feel you are being "blamed" for things you didn't do. Often feel like the victim of others "abuse" when someone is simply expressing their own feelings. And so it goes round and round...

Carole Anderson, may she rest in peace, used to call us "the walking wounded."

We are, but we cannot let it rule our lives and it does not excuse rude behavior! We need to GROW UP and take back control of our lives and our actions.
It may be UNDERSTANDABLE but that doesn't make it acceptable or excusable!

Join the discussion - which has 96 members so far! Share your experiences at: "You know you are separated by adoption when..." Hopefully it will be fun, cathartic and enlightening to those who think adoption is a win-win.

And...if you're having a bd day,week, year or life....having a pity-party or wallowing in it...watch this:

http://www.4marks.com/videos/details.html?video_id=723

Internet MIS-Information

The Internet is a tool. Tools can be used for good or evil -- or just improperly mis-used.

How sad and cruel for those who search the Internet and come across BS like that which follows.

How sad I see no way to comment or to write to the wonders of this venue. if you do, please do and let others know how:

Searching For Adoption Records
By Jason Voxly
You're on this page because you have come to the point in your life when you are curious about who your real parents are. Do they miss me? Do they even think about me any more? These are probably just two of many, many questions that ...

Gotta Love The NCFA-Holes!

Ya' gotta admire their chutzpah and the money they spend on PR. Ya' gotta love the new and amazing ways they invent to bend the English language.

They are now calling open records - as opposed to mutual consent registries - "mandatory" openness!

man⋅da⋅to⋅ry

   /ˈmændəˌtɔri, -ˌtoʊri/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [man-duh-tawr-ee, -tohr-ee]
adjective, noun, plural -ries. –adjective

1.	authoritatively ordered; obligatory; compulsory: It is mandatory that all students take two years of math.

2.	pertaining to, of the nature of, or containing a command.

3.	Law. permitting no option; not to be disregarded or modified: a mandatory clause.

4.	having received a mandate, as a nation.

So... equal access to one's birth certificate, would MANDATE or FORCE people to know one's name or to meet them? Adoptees would be ORDERD to have their mothers over for Thanksgiving dinner and mother who lots children to adoption would be "permitted no option" but to visit their child every Christmas and ground hog's day?? No choices!?? (Wondrr what the epenalty is for NOT looking at your mother's name - since it's "mandao=ry" if the records are opened!).

Gee...and I thought it would just make the equal to non-adopted persons! But I guess it makes us all obligated and mandated to have contact with one another....whether we ant to or not!

What clever HYPE! What a crock!

Here's one of my favorites arguments the NCFA puts forth against the Donaldson Institute's report on open records:

"Because there is no fundamental right to know the identities of others, birthparents or otherwise, adopted persons are not being unlawfully discriminated against if they are denied access to their birthparents’ identities."

Hey, NCFA-holes:

1) there also is no law prohibiting knowing any stranger!

2) it IS discrimination when anyone else CAN know their birthparent's identity EXCEPT those who are adopted, and

3) ever hard of BIRTH creating an "intimate relationship" - the courts have!

“The statutory text of FCA 812 plainly states without qualification that members of the same family include those persons related by consanguinity. While respondent may cease being legally recognized as L.'s parent, she remains L.'s birth mother and the two are related by consanguinity.... A person can have but two biological parents. There is potentially significant emotional and psychological impact upon a child from a biological parent who seeks to continue a relationship with the child after the child has been adopted into another family. In recognition that a biological relationship may have a special significance which can be beneficial or harmful to an adopted child depending upon the circumstances, legislation has been enacted ranging from permitting some form of contact between the biological parent and child to continue post adoption to altogether terminating the biological parent's right to have contact with the child to prevent unwanted intrusion by the child's former biological relatives to promote the stability of the newly adoptive family (see, Matter of Jacob, 86 NY2d 651, 663 - 666)." From K.J. v. K.K.

"Baby" Jessica in the News Again

In a very recent post - December 20 - I mentioned the "Baby" Lenore Scarpeta/DeMartino case that was so pivotal in my post-adoption journey.

Ironically, another major adoption battle headline making battle is back news:

'She has never left my heart' DeBoer hopes to hear from Jessica, now Anna, who will be 18

Tuesday, January 06, 2009
BY SUSAN L. OPPAT
The Ann Arbor News

Jan DeBoer is starting over.
Again.
The adoptive father of the child who became nationally known as Baby Jessica returned home to his Pittsfield Township apartment on Monday morning - the first time since a New Year's Day fire caused an estimated $550,000 in damage to eight apartments, including his.
DeBoer, 55, was in Florida caring for his parents when he learned about the fire. He flew back Monday, worried about what he would find.
His small one-bedroom apartment in the Greenway Park complex off Golfside Road was home to his few belongings - two guitars, his grandparents' Delft vases, his citizenship papers, a couch, a chair and a bed.
It also had his most-prized possession: An original painting of Jessica by a woman who was touched by the DeBoers' story and their battle to keep their adoptive child.
In 1991, DeBoer and his former wife, Roberta, began a lengthy custody battle that gained national attention after they adopted a newborn girl they named Jessica. The birth father didn't sign the adoption papers, and the two couples waged a court battle that reached the U.S. Supreme Court in 1993. Jessica was returned to her birth parents when she was 2-1/2 and was renamed Anna Schmidt.
The DeBoers later adopted a son, Casey, who is now nearly 15. Their marriage didn't survive the stress of losing Jessica, and although they remarried, they divorced again.
And so Jan lost his daughter, his marriage and his home.
He even lost the ability to play his beloved guitars in a Christian rock band after he mangled his thumb in a press at work in Printing Services at the University of Michigan.
After last week's fire, Roberta DeBoer placed the portrait of Jessica in the apartment complex office for safekeeping before Jan arrived Monday. But he was still nervous about what he would find.
The hallway walls were black. Insulation hung from the ceilings. The air was still acrid, four days after the fire.
When DeBoer saw the portrait, he was relieved.
"I look at it every day,'' he said of the painting of the big-eyed, curly-haired toddler. "She has never left my heart, and she never will. She will always be my little girl.''
Anna Schmidt turns 18 on Feb. 8, DeBoer said.
He hopes that milestone could prompt her to call, although he has no reason to expect it. He last saw photos and television news coverage of her about six years ago.
DeBoer said he's getting tired of starting over, but he's also thankful.
"I've got a good job, and people who love me are coming out of the woodwork to help me,'' he said. "There are more important things in life than stuff. I'm lucky Casey wasn't here, and we weren't sleeping.
"And I didn't have to jump off a balcony,'' he said, referring to tenants who were injured escaping the blaze.
Greenway Park is accepting donations of goods and money to help tenants. Donations may be dropped off at the office, 2756 Golfside Drive, south of Washtenaw Avenue.
The cause of the blaze remains under investigation, fire officials said Monday afternoon.
Susan Oppat can be reached at soppat@annarbornews.com or at 734-994-6679.

After all these years, how little has changed: The press still misreports stories of contested adoptions, calling this man the "adoptive father." He was a prospective adopter; recipient of a child not properly relinquished for adoption but who who, together with his wife fought to keep a child from her mother and father who wanted her and loved her.

Why is such a person painted with compassion and sympathy for his loss?

UPDATE: Anna is doing great. She's a high school senior, is actively involved in band (pep, marching, jazz, concert), loves photography, has good grades (3.0+), and has plans to attend college next year. She lives (in a middle class home) with her mother, Cara....step-father Lyal....and sister Chloe....and is very close to all. She has no contact with Dan Schmidt, her natural father, and hasn't had for 2-3 yrs now, for reasons you could probably guess. She also has no memory of the DeBoer's, nor does she ever plan to contact them. She felt it was "creepy" when she saw the recent article that said Jan DeBoer looked at her picture daily. She has led a full and normal life, and doesn't care to be in the public eye.

SilverDove: Work In Progress

Before I wrote Stork Market and got involved with Origins-USA board of directors....I was a peace freak; old hippie...with a funky ole website: SilverDove.org

It was taken down while I concentrated on my publishing site. It’s been a real joy reviving it!

I hope you get half as much from reading the quotes as I have! It really centered me and brought me back to my spirituality and oneness...Gave me a great deal of pace and comfort...nice way to start the new year...

As the subject says: it’s a work in progress. I hope you’ll come back again when I upload the videos.

Without further ado, the site is: http://www.SilverDove.org

A Rose by Any Other Name

As the country prepares for an historic inauguration, I was reading about the slaves who built the white house. Documents have been revealed, recording payments made to the slave owners for the hiring out of their slaves. The slaves were listed as "Slave John", Slave Tom." None had surnames. A surname makes a man a man; it ties him to his lineage, his clan. Slavery of course, systematically destroyed families.

Their is power of ownership and in naming. Expectant mothers often spend inordinate amount of time reading baby name books and deciding upon a "proper" name for their child - one that expresses what the child means to them and also its family heritage.

Names are carefully recorded in religious and legal documents and generally follow one for life.

Surnames, until recently, tied families together. Womens lib however, seeing it as a symbol of patriarchal "ownership" eschewed the practice of assuming one's husbands name upon becoming married and today many women hyphenate or simply continue to use their maiden name. Yet family or surnames remain important in helping one track his lineage or genealogy - a practice that multitudes of people take great pride in. Squeals of delight to discover one's great, great grand dad!

Prior to the 1940's, when an orphan, or the child of an infirmed or widowed mother needed care, a member of the community of parish came forward and The Smith Family raised the Jone's boy. All knew his rightful heritage and no one questioned his family ties, despite whatever affection the boy and his new family might have likely shared. He connection to his family tree remained unbroken despite care given him or the contributions he made those who raised him. Children were assets, but not possessions.

The days of the orphan train encouraged adoption as way to obtain indentured servants. Still their name was of little consequences - no more than the slave's.

Not until the tables turned and children became more scarce and having one or more, a sign of affluence and were desired as prizes for their own bragging rights: my son is smarter or a better ball player than yours - did naming a ward become important. Children have became possession and thus need to be labeled like one might adhere sticker onto a possession so as to assure its return if lost.

In adoption today the name a mother gives her child is often discarded and naming "rights" ate part and parcel of the transfer of ownership of the child to his or her new parents.

The idea of the child being an individual with any rights - even to his own name or ethnicity) in domestic adoption) - is barely considered. Though it is now becoming fashionably popular to keep some form of an internationally adopted child's name incorporated into his American name. But not as a "right to know."

An adoptees "right to know" is on par with that of slaves.

Yet the simple test of the importance of a name is to call a young child by a name that's not his and watch him get very upset! Or name is weho we are. Our unique identification....or, is it?

The Times They Are NOT Changing

Many days I feel as if social attitudes around family and adoption have ground to a halt. Stopped dead in their tracks in the 1950s and not progressed one iota.

Oh there are the politically platitudes about gay rights and a win now and then - then a set back. there is the lip service to "birthmothers" rights - i.e. the right to chose parents to take her child (kind alike the "right" to chose your on firing squad) and promise her the moon and sun and also their right to break those promises...

All those niceties aside, when push comes to shove - women who even THINK about surrendering a child to adoption are, in the real world, not unselfish, honorable, sacrificing, saints.

Take for example 22-year-old Casey Anthony indicted for the murder of her missing 3-year-old daughter. Caylee. Circumstantial evidence such as her not reporting the child missing for a month point very suspiciously at the young mother. But also thrown up is the "fact" that she allegedly had thought about surrendering custody of the child. Maybe she did consider this option as single parenting became more difficult than she had imagined. Are we now tried and found guilty based on our thoughts? If so, every parent in the world would be found guilty of having a momentary wish their kid would simply disappear! How many teens have screamed in anger at a parent: "I wish you were dead!" Do we lock them up bade on that?

In our society, the very worst thing a mother can do, is even engage in the possibility of giving her own child away!

This is as true today as it was in the 1960s, shortly after I lost my daughter, when all I heard every day "at the water cooler" and on the subways and streets of NYC was : "Any dog can give birth!" said with clenched teeth and veins of utter DISGUST and repulsion popping about the sheer AUDACITY of one Helen Scarpetta attempted to regain custody of her daughter, "Baby Jessica" who was illegally adopted by the DeMartinos. Not one shred of sympathy was given this mother as the DeMartinos fled the state and never returned her KIDNAPPED child!

Joel Steinberg, the murderer now free, was never charged with kidnapping Lisa or Mitchell and Dr Sarosi who negotiated the "deals" of both children was given a slap on the wrist for what was called "illegal adoption" and was in fact kidnapping - except for the fact that the mothers involved were led to believe their child was being adopted and would be well cared for.

Dredging up all this ugly past is not just Casey and Caylee Anthony.

It is also reading blogs against the Indian Child Welfare Act (IWCA) - and basically against the sanctity of the family, and those who support and sympathize with the couple de jour who has to return an illegally adopted child. This time it's Clint and Heather Larson returning Talon to his mother, father and siblings.

The pity spewed for the 30 days of "bonding" this unrelated person had with this child just totally override nine months of pregnancy! Her longing, desire, hopes and dreams have been dashed! Often I read of people crying over an empty nursery that never even held "their" child that they planned to adopt! And the sympathy - Oh my God, the sympathy. Yet we mothers who lose our kids get zero, zip, none, nada. We made our beds! Never mind much infertility is preventable - especially when childbirth is delayed into ones forties...but they are blameless and pure and we are evil witches.

Never mind that no adoption is final until it's final stuff happens. People wait and plan to have a baby and have a miscarriage. Children who mothers have held and loved die. Deal with it!

But not only do Casey Anthony's alleged thoughts make her a bad mother - they also go to point put that far more single mother should give their babies to far more deserving waiting couples, because "see what happens." Single mothers are killers - based on one case and in total disregard for the numbers of adopters who longed, and desired, and waited and PAID and thn MURDERED the child entrusted to them!

And let's be clear hereabout this discrimination. this is not discrimination across the board for all single mother. Oh no! If you are single an can AFFORD to adopt - or have IVF or a surrogate - then you have rised above all other criteria and then single parentage will not be an undo strain or your child -- because of course, you can AFFORD a nanny!